make up your mind, little one...not your face.

Today, I had the privilege of taking my little sister to her basketball tournament that was 1 1/2 hours away. It wasn’t a bad day if you don’t mind being stuck in an echo-y dark gym, surrounded by hyper 6th graders and cheering moms that are overly involved in a game in which the sum of the total points is less than 30. And to think that I have the joy of experiencing all of this again tomorrow as my sister’s team plays for 3rd place. All joking aside, my sister is quite good...takes after me :)

Something that I saw at these games made me sick. A vast majority of these little girls were wearing tons of make up. First of all, it’s a basketball game, and I’ve never understood why people cake on the make up if they’re just going to sweat it all off anyway. Secondly, they’re 6th graders!!! Why are these little precious girls, these 11 and 12 year old girls, wearing make up?? They don’t even have pimples yet!

These innocent little girls are growing up in a much harsher society than I did. “If you don’t look a certain way, you’re not pretty. If you don’t act a certain way, you’re not accepted. If you can’t do anything for me, you’re not worth my time.” Basically, if you don’t measure up to someone else’s definition of perfection, you are an outcast. 

Now, maybe this was the same mindset that people had when I was young, but I certainly can’t recall. I don’t remember feeling like I had to be fake to win friends. I didn’t start wearing make up until I was at least 15 years old; I never thought I needed it. Even now, at 21, I still don’t wear that much make up. I’m not saying that I’m flawless, because everyone knows that I’m not. I’m fat and I still get pimples. I still struggle with insecurities. In fact, everyday, when I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and say “Stephanie, you are beautiful.” Most days I have to say it over and over before I start believing it. 

The point is that these 11 year old gems should still believe that they are princesses and dream of fairytales, not be concerned with their physical appearance. If this is starting at 11, what happens at 13 when make up no longer makes the cut? 15? 

2 things are coming to my mind right now. 1) I’m so thankful that I had parents that complimented me and took time to hold me and tell me how valuable I am. I’m so blessed that I had a father that took time for me and dared me to dream. Where would I be today if I hadn’t had that affirmation at home? And 2) I’m so thankful that I have a Father in Heaven Who smiles when He looks at me. I’m so blessed that I have a personal relationship with the Creator of the universe, the very same Creator that designed every sunset, every single snowflake, and ME. Where would I be if my identity wasn’t found in Christ? 

Moms, dads, big brothers, big sisters: take your little sister/brother into your arms and tell them how beautiful/handsome they are, that they are flawless the way they are, affirm and encourage them. They are dealing with so much pressure to look and act a certain way. Society is influencing little girls and shaping their thoughts as to what beauty is and it’s YOUR job to tell your little person what TRUE beauty is and from where, or Who, it comes. And above all, tell them that their identity is found in Christ and in Christ alone. 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.”

~Psalm 139:13-14

We can’t overlook the little people anymore. 

if the door isn't supposed to open...why is there a doorknob?

You know, it’s so easy for me to write about God’s goodness when I’m in the middle of it. And talking about trusting God is great when life is easy, but when it’s hard, I suddenly lose my words. It becomes difficult, but sometimes, you just need to talk about it, even if it doesn't sound right.

Today, I got a letter in the mail from one of the corporations with which I interviewed for a summer accounting internship. Needless to say, I didn’t get the position and I’m not a happy camper. This is the 3rd intern position from which I have been denied access. I am not upset or hurt, just plain angry. I can’t understand why I’m not getting anything. I have a strong resume, lots of work experience, a well developed work ethic, and I have worked my butt off for my GPA. I am not a cocky or conceited person, but, due to God’s blessings and my upbringing, it’s easy to see that I am well qualified. 

God, what’s the deal? 

Something like this happened my freshman year in college. I saw college as the “land of opportunity”, which it is, but God-given opportunities have a specific time, place, and reason. College had many of the things that my heart has desired for so long: worship missions, music groups, and lots of leadership positions. I tried out/auditioned/applied for everything...and I didn’t get placed in any of them. I was heartbroken. Why would God flash so many opportunities in front of my face just to let them vanish when I blinked? I couldn’t understand what God was doing. At the same time, God gave me a picture, but of course, I had no idea what it meant. 

This was the picture: I was at a party or reception of some kind. A very classy reception. All the guys were wearing tuxedoes and the girls were wearing formal gowns. I was standing all by myself near a table at the back of the room. My dad (which wasn’t really my dad, but in the picture, he was) was off talking with some handsome young man. They both started walking over to me and once my father was standing to my left, and said “Here, let me introduce you to my daughter.” and he gently ushered the young man to stand directly in front of me. End of picture.

I thought that this picture meant that I was getting a boyfriend, but I was wrong. It wasn’t until March that the meaning became apparent and I will never forget the feeling that came over me. I had just finished having an evening out with my parents. My dad dropped my mom off at the hotel and then took me back to the dorm. I was sitting in my dad’s car in lower lot, crying, talking about all that was going on in my life and I randomly told my dad about the picture. As soon as I finished telling him, it clicked. 

God is faithful. I love that sometimes He recalls to my mind something that He’s done or said earlier in my life. 

God was telling me that I needed to wait until He introduced me to what He wants me to do, and it’s still true for today. He knows my heart and the dreams that He’s given me, but more importantly, He knows His plans for my life; they all will come together in His time. Is He telling me to sit still and do nothing? Of course not. God is bring it to me, but I still have to go to the party. I’m on the look out, watching for what God is going to do, listening for the invitation, searching for the opportunity that holds the introduction.  

This isn’t over. 

So, God, here I am again, without direction, without plans. Even though I don’t see what’s up ahead and I don’t know where You’re leading me, I choose to trust You. My life is in Your hands. Give me patience and peace in the midst of uncertainty. Prepare me for the introduction. 

don't stop believin'.

“I am an accounting major.” I still feel strange when these words flow from my mouth. Who would have thought? I sure didn’t. I can tell you one thing for certain, being an accountant definitely wasn’t on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. 

For this very reason, I still find myself questioning if this is the right direction for my life. I really struggle with this sometimes. Why wasn’t theology the right degree for me? Or writing/english? Or architecture? Or music and worship? These questions roll around in my head almost daily. “Have a made the right choice?” “God, is this really what you want me to do with my life?” 

These questions used to make me feel like I was faithless, a prisoner to uncertainty. But as I’m growing in my relationship with God and learning more of Who He is, I realize that He welcomes these questions with open arms. God would much rather have me ask Him daily if I was following His will for my life than if I just started walking aimlessly. Here’s some things that God has been helping me understand.

#1: Know your current location. How can you possibly know where you’re going if you don’t even know where you’re starting? Your current location should be founded in the will of God. Hide in God’s will! I’ve noticed that in my own life, I look for God’s will as it pertains to my own plans. This is so dangerous, because my search is bias to my desires, not God’s. Instead, I need to LOSE myself in His will, allowing God full and total control. God is limitless, so why do we constantly try to put Him in a box? God’s plans for your life are much higher than your own, so why try to put a limit on what God is able to do with/in/through your life?

#2: Follow the GPS. We don’t always know which direction God is drawing us, in fact, I’d go so far to say that this is true of most journeys. We don’t know the final destination, but the good news is, God does. This is where trusting Him comes in, which is much easier said than done. Every morning when I wake up, I have to start off the day with this reminder: “God, today I trust You.” Trust is taken a day at a time. You can’t rush trust; it takes time to develop. And who wants to develop that level of trust in you more than God Himself? Talk to Him about it. Tell Him you struggle, He already knows it anyway. But you know? God is faithful. God will give you direction in your journey. 

I close with this: you are not alone. We’re all out there, trying to make sense of the passions that God has given us. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to seek council. It’s okay to miss a couple o’ turns and make some legal U-turns because God’s grace is unrestrained, His love, uninhibited. God created your journey, so let Him be your guide.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

~Be comforted: God’s plans for your life are much higher than your own~

let love be my message.

Today, I watched “The Adjustment Bureau” with some amazing girls on my floor and I absolutely loved it! What an interesting twist on love and God’s plan for our lives. 

However, this blog isn’t about the movie, but about something that I mentioned during the movie, though my outburst occurred because of a scene in the movie. After Matt Damon and Emily Blunt’s first kiss in the men’s bathroom, Damon and his friend were discussing it and Damon says that he didn’t kiss her, she definitely kissed him. And that’s when I yelled out at the screen “You definitely kissed her...you went the 90%!” and then later I said something about the 90-10 always working. And for those of you who aren’t picking up on the reference, it’s from “Hitch”.

Which is my point exactly! Everything that we know about love comes from media. Everything that we expect love to be is fashioned through screenplays and stereos. And I am no different. I talk with several girls about love, boys, and relationships, and in most cases, I can think of a movie scene, plot, or line that almost perfectly aligns with their situation. Having been single my entire life, expect for that one week in VBS when I was 5, I rely on information that others pass onto me...but what if my information is incorrect? 

Love isn’t just a movie script or song lyric. Love is not a pattern that you can just follow for every situation; love isn’t an equation that you just plug in the numbers and get the right outcome. Love is complex and, in most cases, irrational. Love isn’t sex. Sure, it’s called ‘making love’, but sex is not, in itself, LOVE, it’s an ACT of love, and I’m tired of the world telling me that if I’m not sleeping with him, then I don’t love him. BS! BS! BS! And the thought of the young ladies who have been bought with this slogan just shreds my heart into pieces. How will these ladies ever be able to receive Christ’s love if this is what they believe ‘love’ to be?

The truth is that we all just long to be loved. Jesus said that the 2 greatest commandments are to love the Lord with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. Love. (Matthew 22:37-39) We wanna be loved! We desire love so badly, that we’re willing to do just about anything to get it. It’s a hunger that everyone feels, though our appetites are different. Every person recognizes love in a different way. If you ask 10 people what they think love is in one sentence, I guarantee that you’ll get 10 completely different sentences. Ask me and I’ll tell you that I think love is knowing that you will never ever be alone. Even though I’m not in a romantic relationship, I don’t feel alone. I am perfectly content and satisfied in the love of Christ and I always will be. A man won’t define me or my love, only God does. My identity is in Christ and that is the message that I want to share with every girl that I meet. God, You are enough for me. 

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.  ~Mother Teresa

 We are not of this world...so let’s not be caught up in it :)

Love God, Love People. 

so, there's this guy...

We were 5 years old. We were at VBS at a local church. This boy and his posse of 2 hombres were sitting in the row behind me...and out of nowhere started poking me in the butt! Now, my father had previously instructed me that if a boy were to ever touch me in an inappropriate place, that I was to slap them across the face as hard as I could. Before you imagine what could possibly be the most hilarious “little kid romance” story ever...stop...I didn’t slap him. But I was really upset and told them to stop, but they wouldn’t, so I told the teacher, she told their parents, and the poking ceased. At the end of the day, the ringleader, who’s name was Matt, I later discovered, came up to me and said “Hi, I’m sorry for what I did, but I only did it because I liked you. Here’s my picture and $2. Will you be my girlfriend?”

For the rest of that week, Matt and I did everything together...prayed, ran around outside, did arts & crafts, etc. He even ate a bug for me. He was my first boyfriend. And for those of you that are wondering...yes...I STILL have his picture :)

[SKIP TO AFTER SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL...BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING WORTH REPORTING...BECAUSE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED...EVER.]

So, I met this guy my freshmen year in college and I was immediately attracted to him, not necessarily because of the way he looked, though he wasn’t too shabby, but because of the way he carried himself and treated others. He is one of those guys that everyone knows and if you asked anyone about him they always applauded his character. I liked him, I really did, but if anyone asked me about it, I would have denied that. He was just really chill and cool and I totally felt comfortable being myself around him. My sophomore year I decided that I didn’t want to like him anymore, and I’m not really sure why either. Key phrase here is “didn’t WANT to like him...” for I knew that I did. I couldn’t help but like him. I started praying that God would help me to stop liking him. I begged God to take away the attraction that I felt towards him. (haha I feel like I’m making myself sound retarded...)

Now, it’s junior year...and I realized something. I don’t really want to lose that attraction for him...because I’m not attracted to HIM, pre-say, but to certain qualities that he possesses. I WANT to be attracted to those qualities. God made me to desire those qualities, and I don’t need to pray for God to diminish them. I need to thank God for those qualities and praise Him for giving me a heart that desires those qualities. What I need to do is allow Him to bury me in His presence. What better place to be then in His presence? And what am I afraid of? If I’ve given my heart to God, then He won’t let me give it away easily. 

Guard my heart, God.

My advice to you? Ha!...I have no advice. I make it up as I go along, taking each new day as it comes, savoring each morsel of wisdom God decides to give me in the moment. I guess my advice would be to #1 be yourself...because you’re beautiful! Don’t ever sacrifice who you are for some dude. If he can’t accept you for who you are, he don’t deserve you, and he will have to deal with God, because you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God inscribed HIMSELF on your life! “Let me assure you...it’s not me, it’s you.” #2 Don’t take yourself too seriously. C’mon, person reading this! Learn to laugh! We ALL do stupid things...EVERYONE has tripped up the stairs at some point in they lives...just throw yo head back and partake in a nice, long, hearty chuckle. Have fun! And #3 “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteous, and everything else will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) That’s His promise to us! Be faithful to God for He IS faithful to you. Even when it seems that life is so messed up and your emotions are on a roller coaster and you can’t find which way is up...God has a plan and He knows how to make sense of it all. Keep trusting Him.

So, this is me...almost 21...and I’m still trying to figure out this whole “being a girl” thing. 

you’re not alone :)

from failure to L-O-V-E.

Wow. Tomorrow, I start my junior year of college. When did that happen?? Wasn’t my 16th birthday like...yesterday? Where has all of the time gone?

In moments like these, I start to wonder what I’m doing with my life. And to be honest, most of the time I consider myself a failure. I haven’t done half of the things that I’ve wanted to do by this time: I’m still single, I’ve never been clubbing (‘tis true), I’ve never gone over 100 mph, and I really don’t think I’ve ever led anyone to the Lord. Them words here spell out ‘failure’, in the truest sense of the word. I’ve missed several opportunities; I’ve wasted time; I haven’t cared. My only thought now is...is it too late?

I can’t live by my own expectations. Clearly, I fail at my own plans. All I can do is wake up every morning and decide to trust God. What else is there? I’m so small and He is soooo BIG. And He loves me...little ol’ me. He is constantly reminding me that no matter what I do, He won’t love me any more or any less. He can’t! He just loves me! And you know what baffles me about His love? He doesn’t expect anything in return. Think about it. In I John 4:19, it says “We love because He FIRST loved us...” and Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus chose me before He knew of my love. It’s crazy!

I didn’t intend this post to be about love, but clearly it has changed courses from ‘imma failure’ to ‘Jesus loves me’. Why? Well, frankly, because God doesn’t see my failure, He sees my potential. He sees everything in my life that is sinful and hidden, and says...”I can work with that. Trust Me.” 

God has been showing me lately how much He hates it when I cast judgment on myself, when I rag on myself for what I have/haven’t done. Judgment doesn’t build me up or make me a better person...no, it just cuts me down and makes me wanna give up. And that’s not what He wants for me. He encourages me daily through simple things, maybe through the crisp sunlight or maybe through one of my friends. God wants me to place my insecurities in Him...in Security Itself. If He is my foundation, why do I doubt? Why do I worry?

In closing, I guess what I’m rambling about is to not look at what you consider failure, but instead look to Christ. Ask Him to show you what He’s doing in your life and the ways that He is using you even now. And lastly, let Him love on you...it’s what He does best :) 

the watery, slightly alkaline and saline secretion.

...also known as, tears. When you think about it this way, tears seem more important, or even more profound, than ‘salt water’. I always wonder what would happen if tears were sweet, instead of salty. Or like, you know how people say that there are ‘tears of joy’? Why can’t the joyful tears be sweet and all of the other ones be salty?...I guess that joyful tears would be very sticky...like cotton candy. And I would hate to have cotton candy stuck on my face. Gross. I think I’ll just stick to salt water.

Sweet, salty, sour, tasteless, strawberry, or whatever flavor your’s might be...tears have always been somewhat of a threat to me. It’s something that I don’t really understand about myself because I love relationships, I love being close to people and reaching a ‘deeper level’...but even my closest friends haven’t seen my tears. I won’t let them. I do everything in my power to keep myself from showing that level of vulnerability, and I’m really not sure why I do it. Like most people, if not everyone, I’ve been hurt in the past, but I really don’t think that it has something to do with this. 

But just because I don’t let others see me cry doesn’t mean that I don’t. I do! I cry all the time! Certain movies make me cry...and not because of some super romantic scene, but rather a scene where the person is overcoming impossible obstacles, like being able to forgive the person who hurt them the most or learning how to cope with new challenges. I find the urge to cry during sermons that are speaking directly to me, and especially the sermons that echo my own heart for people, for restoration, for healing. I want to cry when I hear stories of the terrible struggles and pain that people have been through, but can then stand and proclaim God’s goodness and salvation. Those are the things that get me. If people could see how much I cried, they would probably consider me emotional, which I can assure, I am...but I’m not controlled by my emotions. 

Today, it kinda hit me that maybe God made me sensitivity for a reason, in fact, I know He did. God’s given me a lot of compassion for others and a desire to see them find freedom in Christ Jesus. Lately, I’ve been praying/crying for the girls on my campus that are broken and wounded. They have my heart. And I love the heart that God has given me, but I hate the crying part. And you know...it’s okay if others don’t see me cry...as long as I have not taken it so far that I am living in disobedience to God’s direct Word. And I know I have. I can think of many examples when I kept my mouth shut when God wanted me to speak to certain individuals. I can comfort others just fine, as long as it’s on the surface. I don’t like to pry into people’s lives...you won’t find me asking the real questions or addressing the real problem. I don’t cry with people.

...until today. 

For the past few years, God has been taking me on a journey to discover who I am in Him and who He has called me to be. It’s been a long process and through it, I’ve become more real with others about where I am in life, what I’m feeling, my struggles. God keeps reminding me how far I’ve come and encouraging me to keep trusting Him. One thing that I’ve noticed about God is how gently He deals with the matters of my heart, one thing at a time. Recently, He’s been showing me one more thing. A big thing. God basically showed me that my unwillingness to embrace that form of vulnerability (crying with/around other humans) was actually a mask. I have never wanted people to see me when I myself am broken, so I’ve silenced it. I’ve always wanted to be the person that was put together and had such wisdom and insight, but God is slowly shattering my deceptive disguise and revealing His perfect peace, His gentle touch, intimacy on a level that I have never before experienced. Simplicity. And it’s beautiful. 

Today, I started to ask God to take away the whole ‘emotional’ thing, but I had to stop midprayer. God doesn’t desire to make me feel uncomfortable or to become an emotional wreck, but to see freedom take full reign in my life. This is good for me! This is good for others. Maybe girls need to see someone cry for them, someone who believes so strongly for their healing, someone who isn’t afraid of being seen at their most vulnerable point. 

“Cry for Me.”

Instead, I prayed for the boldness to cry whenever and wherever for whatever God would put on my heart to cry for. Something new is happening in my life, and I’m just here, trusting God every step of the way. 

“Allow Me to show others what I see in you.”

~God

dumb and instantaneous.

“Your past doesn’t have to be your future.” What a beautiful thought. This idea inspires one to dream of something better, something joyful. It makes one close their eyes and wish for a painless life without regret, disappointment, and heartache.  It gives hope and lets one feel like they don’t have to be stuck; they can move on. Life doesn’t have to be the same. It sounds too good to be true…and it is.

“Your past doesn’t have to be your future…BUT it WILL be if you don’t do something with your present.”

Too many people expect their life to change instantaneously without having to do anything about it. Think about it this way: You’re really hungry, but do you have to stay hungry? No…just go to the kitchen and make yourself a lil pb&j…you were hungry, you currently aren’t hungry, and you won’t be hungry for at least a couple of hours. Congratulations, you just changed your future. Let’s look at this a second time, but let’s say that this time you didn’t do anything about the hunger. ever. Will you be hungry in the future? Well, yeah…unless you died, which you will because the body requires food, in which case your future was WORSE than your past because you didn’t do something with your present.

Ok, ok…I know that the analogy was on a short scale and it was dumb…but so are people. Everyone’s looking for the quick fix, the magic wand to transform their life from the pauper to the prince. Instantaneous. Right now. Everyone wants a fairytale. But healing is a process. Healing…though God may choose to bring healing instantaneously…I’m not saying that I’m limiting God…but healing usually doesn’t happen in the twitch of an eye.

Christianity…oh Lord, don’t even get me started…has just become another fix, a “spiritual high”. I hate it when people are told that all of their problems will go away if they’ll just turn their life over to Christ. Bull! First of all, praying “The Sinner’s Prayer” doesn’t instantly change your life. You don’t open your eyes feeling like you own the world. I didn’t feel nuthin’. My life wasn’t different; I was still me. Second, Jesus isn’t a genie, there to grant your every wish and make life easier on you. If anything, life got harder when I surrendered to Christ, BUT I now have the strength and power of Christ behind me every step of the way, so that I can overcome! I am victorious! Yeah, I still got problems; I still sin; I still get tempted; I am still me. But as I continue to feed on the Word of God, and I spend time in prayer and worship, I am drawn closer to God, and the closer I get, the more offensive my own sin becomes to me, and my desire to partake in sin decreases.

Sin. I really hate sin. I especially hate it when I sin. Sometimes, I start passing judgment on myself and it gets so bad that all I can hear is my own voice, taunting me. Other times, I’m so broken that all I can do is fall back into God’s forgiveness. Either way, God brings me through. Every time. Do I learn from it? Not always, but even so, God is still there, bringing me through. It’s a process. But the process doesn’t start itself. It’s take a conscientious decision. It’s a choice. But you've got to start somewhere.

You want to change your future? Change your present.

God is my future, but more importantly, He's my present. I stopped playing the games. I stopped the charade. I'm just me. And I know that if it weren't for God's grace, I would not be where I am today. But I took the first step...and God met me. Take the step. One step. It's not too late.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” ~Revelations 21:4

This is my future. What’s yours?

undeleted.

I wrote my first song when I was 4 years old. I still remember it. I sang it everywhere. It was very simple, and to be honest, I’m not sure why I wrote it. I doesn’t really make sense. The lyrics were...

“I walk through the path, and He comes in

I walk through the path, and He comes in

Oh, I walk through the path, and He comes in

He is my Lord”

That was it! I don’t know where this came from...maybe it was supposed to be something like Pilgrim's Progress...but I was 4...I hadn’t read it yet. It doesn’t make sense...for one, you walk ON a path, not through it. And yes, even at that age, I had learned the power and significance of the “Oh”. But I guess that song started it all. I’ve been writing ever since, but I like to believe that my stuff is a bit more meaningful now. 

Tonight, I went through 7 of the songs that I’ve written, some that were just lyrics and chords on paper and others that I actually recorded. I came across this one song that reminded me of the one I wrote when I was 4. It was embarrassingly basic; I mean, there are some songs that are sooo good because of the simplicity, but this was definitely not one of those songs. The lyrics are...

“I’m waiting for You

I’m waiting for You

Come fill my life, be the air that I breathe

Consume my heart, be my heartbeat

I’m Yours and I’m waiting for You”

That was it. The entire song. And I recorded 2 and a half minutes of just this! Over and over and over again. I scoffed at myself. Steph, what IS this? You can do better than this. What were you thinking?  As I was moving the cursor over the ‘delete’ button, I heard a voice ask me...”Do you remember when you wrote this song?” I couldn’t remember off the top of my head, so I pulled out my song journal and found the entry...October 2006. My first thought was that the date explained why the song was so basic...I was 15 years old. But then I heard the voice again, “Do you remember what you were going through when you wrote this song?” Bam. My heart stopped, well ok, if it didn’t stop, then something else happened...the earth stopped revolving...the air got incredibly thin...I don’t know, but my heart grew heavy. I knew what this was about. In September, I received some news that would change my life forever, for better and for worse. I was dying...jk I wasn’t dying, but I felt like dying after I received the news that my church was closing. To some, this might not sound like a big deal, but this was my home church. I’d never known another church. My grandpa started the church and when I was 12, my parents were set in as senior pastors. This church was my life, my school, my friends. My whole world was falling apart in front of me...and there was nothing I could do.

The 3 months following were the worst 3 months of my entire life: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I felt dead. My faith was dead. I blamed my parents and slowly lost all respect for them...I could probably even honestly say that I grew to the point where I hated them. And this news was still a secret...I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. I just had to bear it all...alone. I withdrew from everyone...especially God. I started doubting Him, seriously doubting Him. And if that wasn’t enough, I started finding ways to live in deliberate disobedience. I fell so deep in sin that it took 4 years to find complete healing. That was my ultimate low. 

I have never felt so alone as I did during that time. And yet, somewhere in the midst of all this, I found a place of brokenness before God and was able to form one last cry of desperation...this song. And rediscovering this tonight brought me so much peace and joy. God often reminds me of what I’ve been through, that way I can shout His praises even louder than before. God is faithful :)

So for now, the song stays on my computer...maybe I’ll even take a stab at recording it again, you know, fixing it up a little. This was such a good lesson for me, in fact, a good lesson for all. Don’t take your past too lightly. God has forgiven you, forgive yourself, and remember what God has done for you. 

“There is no pit too deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” 

~Betsie ten Boom...said on her death bed at a concentration camp in Germany in 1944. Betsie, her sister Corrie, and her whole family were forced into concentration camps for hiding Jews.

Sometimes, it’s not about how well you’re able to write, or how well you speak...it’s the background story that brings real meaning to your words.

pursued and rescued.

Tonight, I flipped open my Bible for the second time in several weeks. As much as I would love to say that I am completely consistent in my pursuit for a deeper relationship with my Creator, I can’t. I don’t read my Bible nearly as often as I need to, and my thirst for God simply gets overlooked. My sole purpose for fasting movies this summer was to reawaken that passion, that hunger, for God, and I regret to report that, though I’ve been faithful in my fast, I have found other things in which to devote my time. It’s not like these things are sinful or shameful, in fact, some of them have been of great benefit to me. However, they have taken precedence over what should be my highest priority...and that’s not okay. 

Tonight, I found comfort. When I flipped open my Bible, the page landed on II Samuel 22, which is David’s Song of Praise after he and his warriors fought a battle against the Philistines and won. I find that I am always challenged by David and his faith in the mighty power and grace of God. The chapter starts off with David praising God for Who He is and for what He has done. Challenge #1 David never forgot to give credit to whom credit is do. 

Verses 2-4

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold, my high tower, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. I will call on the LORD, who is worthy of praise, for he saves me from my enemies.”

David continues with a poetic description of his recent struggle and raw commentary on the depth of his despair. Challenge #2 David openly shared what he was facing: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Verses 5-6

“The waves of death surrounded me; the floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death itself stared me in the face.” 

The next part of the chapter is what hit me tonight. David paints a vivid picture of God’s “Saving Private Ryan” mission to rescue David. Why did God intervene? Why did He rescue David? Challenge #3 David was never too proud to cry out for help.

Verses 7-17, 20

“But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I called to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears. Then the earth quaked and trembled; the foundations of the heaven shook; they quaked because of his anger. Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him. He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet. Mounted on a mighty angel, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind. He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dense rain clouds. A great brightness shone before him, and bolts of lightning blazed forth. The LORD thundered from heaven; the Most High gave a mighty shout. He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies; his lightning flashed, and they were confused. Then at the command of the LORD, at the blast of his breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen, and the foundations of the earth were laid bare. He reached down from heaven and rescued me...he rescued me because he delights in me.”

I love how this passage goes into this high action display of God’s power with the lightning and earthshaking and storms and enemy scattering...to end with a simple, peaceful, heartwarming finale...”He reached down from heaven and rescued me.” The same God Who created the foundations of the universe, Who spoke life into existence, Who’s Son defeated death and the grave, Who’s voice the winds and seas obey...the same God is relentlessly pursuing YOU, rescuing you from the deepest, darkest, most shameful place you’ve ever been imprisoned! Even when you stop the pursuit, God keeps going. God will never let go of you! And no matter what you’ve done or said or thought about, this same God delights in you! 

Romans 8: 38-39

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demon’s can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

You are never too far, too lost, too bruised, too buried to be rescued. 

“Oh, how He loves us.

How He loves.”

unreserved.

I hate silence. I would rather put on a movie and not pay attention to it or turn up some random music than sit in a silent room. When I go to bed, I blast my air conditioner or kick on the fan to provide some nice, consistent background noise. And “moments of silence”? Yeah, those are just creepy. I’m not afraid of silence, it just isn’t comfortable. And I hate it.

Yet...how many times am I content to remain silent for someone else? How many times am I okay with watching as a friend’s life is being drained by the path they’ve walked because I don’t have the guts to say something? How many hurting girls will I turn away because I don’t want to face my own brokenness? God, if only You could somehow use this mess that I’ve created.

God’s been telling me lately that I need to become unreserved in my faith and in my lifestyle. Unreserved - without reservation. What’s holding me back? So many times, I’ve longed to find my voice and make my beliefs known, make truth known, but I’m silenced by the threat of not being considered “politically correct.” I guess I’m just hiding in my own condemnation and fear. 

My mom was one of those high school Christians that you didn’t mess with. Whenever anyone cursed around her, she shut them down, until they all learned to keep their mouths shut. She was feared, respected.

Paul is one of my favorite people in the Bible. He has quite the story: murderer of Christians changed to encourager of Christians. Regardless of his past, he became a great man of God. He was a man of authority and encouragement. However, he was also a man of confrontation, being totally unreserved in his speech. He spoke the truth and said things that made people uncomfortable and convicted. His goal was to be correct in the eyes of God, not politics. Sin appalled him and he refused to be silent about it. He was a man of passion, and because of his passion for his people, he lost his life.

I want to be like Paul. I want to be so passionate about people that I could say that “I would be willing to be forever cursed - cut off from Christ - if that would save them.” (Romans 9:3) I want his boldness and his endurance. I want his faith. 

The only problem is...I don’t know how to get there.

God, give me direction. I want to be unreserved to Your will. 

so...here's to growth.

I’ve always been considered mature for my age, what that really means I haven’t a clue. But people have told me this ever since I was a young thing. Clearly these people haven’t seen me recently: 20 years old and I walk out of my room at 2am with my hair disheveled, carrying a box that once held a vacuum cleaner, and pull out a Nerf N-Strike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 Dart Blaster and attack my unsuspecting prey. Yeah, that’s maturity right there. Yessir. But these dear folks say I’m mature, so obviously, it’s true. But when you think about it, what is maturity? How is it measured? How can one really say that they’re mature? Is there a system? Is there a specific level that’s considered one’s optimum maturity? I could really care less. In fact, I don’t care how mature I am now or how mature I eventually will be...what I’m concerned about is growth. 

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Growth and maturity are synonymous.” Maybe so, but not to me, and this is my blog, so we’ll stick with what I think. Growth, as it pertains to humans, is the optional outcome based on one’s reaction to opportunity. Growth is always a choice; it’s always your choice. You can’t always choose your surroundings or your circumstances, but you have a choice as to how you are going to react to said circumstances. 

Another thing: growth isn’t easy. Ever. The process of growth is rather uncomfortable. I have never known growth to spring from a routine. It comes from change. The times in my life where I’ve grown are usually situations that are tough and painful, like when my church of 16 years closed or when my grandma passed away. There’s also growth in changes that are just different, like when I left for college. In both of those situations and in many more like them, I had decisions to make, and they weren’t easy, but they were right. 

I long for growth. Spiritual growth. I want to always be growing. My dad once told me that “if you’re not moving forward (growth), you’re slowly sliding backwards (shrinkage)”. It’s so true! It’s so easy to fall into compromise, and sometimes, you aren’t even aware of it. It’s like that Casting Crowns song “Slow Fade” (if you haven’t heard it, shame on you...jk go listen to it now!). I don’t want to live a life of compromise. I want to grow! I want to grow fast! 

And what a better time for growth than this summer?! I can’t begin to express how excited I am! I’m gonna do something drastic, something daring, something I’ve never attempted before: I’m going to fast movies and TV for 12 consecutive weeks. Why? Because too much of my time is being wasted on such nonsense. I’m going to spend my time more wisely: exploring God’s Word, reading books, writing books and songs, praying, increasing my guitar skills, and doing something artistic. Will it be hard? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Philippians 4:13 “I can go ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yeah, it’s a sacrifice, but it’s also a season of growth! 

How do you grow faster? I don’t know, but I think it’s through openness to God. God can use an open person. God brings opportunity to those who are obedient. And as I said before, growth comes from opportunity. And through this fast, I’m going to become closer and more open to God. This is the summer for change. I can feel it. And I’m excited :)

So, here’s to growth!

the creativity card.

So, I love pretty much anything involving color and design. For the longest time, I wanted to be an architect, but here I am...planning on getting a degree in accounting. It’s amazing to me how my interests cover a vast amount of topics, such as photography, archery, and top spinning. In pursuit towards art and color, I took a few art classes, allowing my creativity to be expanded. But the more I learned, the more I realized that creativity is a vital part of life, not something that’s merely meant for those who call themselves “artistic”. 

This past school year has been amazing! I’ve grown so much in my relationships, mostly in my relationship with God. Being a wing chaplain has challenged me in ways that I wasn’t really expecting, but gladly embraced nonetheless. Devos, a weekly prayer/fellowship/devotional, have been a really cool part of what I do. I feel like we’ve done everything from beer pong (with root beer) to worship to being women of encouragement. We’ve talked about beauty, self-esteem, and how our identity is found in Christ alone. We talked about dreams and the God Who is faithful to bring about even the smallest and simplest dream. We shared about the heart of the Father, Who is jealous for us and Whose love is unquenchable. We’ve finger-painted, laughed, cried, hugged, prayed, watched movies, snuggled, ate. But mostly, we’ve grown...grown into women of faithfulness and purity, grown in freedom. It’s so beautiful :)

I’m already thinking about next year and how I get to do this all over again. And that thought really kinda freaked me out. I suddenly felt like I had used my last card and that I don’t have anything left to offer. I’m out of creativity. And that was a really depressing and lonely feeling...especially when I’m not even sure if what I did this year did that much good, you know?

But then I had this entirely amazing experience. I can’t even really describe what happened, but in short, everything is good now. I felt God ask me if the creativity I had used was mine or His. It’s His, of course, to which He responded “And you’re saying that I, Who created everything that ever was and ever has been, is suddenly out of creativity?” Talk about a shocker of a question...I almost slapped myself for even thinking such a thing! But isn’t it true though? We go through life and somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten about Who it is that gives us life in the first place. 

God has my back, even when I forget that He is the One Who is holding my world in His hands. It’s all about trust...and thankfulness. Thank you, God, for reminding me that this isn’t supposed to be my burden and that I should leave the way to speak and the way to influence in Your hands. Thank you for the creativity that You are giving to me right now. Help me to use it to bring us closer to You and that You will be glorified. I love You. 

God, You inspire me :)

the truth about me...

You never know what is waiting for you when you step onto an elevator. Sometimes, the people you’re riding with are real creepy and stare at you the whole time. Other times, it’s pretty chill, laid back, mostly quiet, and maybe ask “do you think it’ll rain today?” right before you reach your destination. No matter the situation, you can always count on one thing...it will always smell funky. 

Everyday holds a new elevator experience. Today was no different. Before boarding the elevator, one of my friends stepped out; her mother was with her, which provided the content for the elevator conversation. We boarded, and with pushing the buttons marked 5 and 6 on the wall, we embarked on our journey. One of the girls on board said something about how much the girl and mom looked alike. She proceeded to tell us how much she enjoyed seeing child and parent together, pointing out the similarities in looks and actions. Then the doors opened on the 5th floor and we separated, each going our own ways, conversation ceased, but the topic continued to plague me for some time. 

Flashback: I was 10 years old. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night. She was holding a phone and saying “Honey, I found him! He’s on the phone! Here!” I was still groggy and half-asleep, but I took the phone. That was the only time I’ve ever spoken to my birthfather. 

And I don’t remember any of the conversation. I don’t remember the sound of his voice. The only picture I had of him was when he was 18 years old, a senior in high school, but that picture was lost when we moved, and I don’t remember the details. It’s hard, living the life of an adoptee. Because we had an open adoption, I have more information than most, especially about my birthmother, and I’m ever so grateful for what I have. But at the same time, it brings even more questions to the surface. 

Sometimes I just sit and wonder what my father is like. What color are his eyes? Do I look anything like him? Do I have his mannerisms? Do we have the same personalities? Do we like any of the same things (sports, subjects, food)? Those questions run through my head all the time, but that’s fine, because these are the mild questions, unanswerable?...true, but mild. The one question that all adopted children have to face is the most difficult, the most painful: 

Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? 

I won’t pretend that these questions didn’t make me question my own value. No, I’ve had to deal with rejection, with the thoughts that I’m unloveable. I’ve struggled over these questions for years. The truth in all of this was that my birthmother gave me up because she loved me and she wanted me to have a better life than what she could offer. It was a sacrifice, not a rejection. Being older, I understand that now and I owe my life to her. But those questions are still there.

I wanna know my birthfather. I think about him all the time. For a while, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but lately...I can’t deny that there is a burning void in my life, like a part of me is missing. I want people to see us and make comments about how I look like him. Will I be able to live a successful life without knowing him? Yes, but I still want to know him. I will find him. Someday :)

Every time I think about this, I realize again how faithful God is. You can see God’s hand on my life in just how trippy my whole story is. God truly is my Father. I talk to Him about it all the time, about why me and not some other random person. And His response is always the same: “Because I wanted you.” God amazes me. I love how He takes my deepest and darkest, most tormenting question, and turns it into a lovestory. 

I want people to see us and point out how much I look like Him. I want people to see my Father in me. 

Matthew 7:16 “You will know them by their fruit...”

I could tell so much more about my history and about how I’ve dealt with things, but I wanted to keep this somewhat short. I guess you’ll just have to wait for my book ;)

the struggle for surrender.

Why is it that every time I go home everyone has to ask me the exact same question? Care to guess what question? You got it! “So...do you have a boyfriend?” Seriously, without fail, my entire family asks me this question. No! Ok? No. My 14 year old little brother is so tired of my answer that he is always suggesting that he should come to my school and find me one because “Steph, you’re 20...you need a boyfriend.” Why is this so high on everyone’s list?

It’s always been my desire to get married. Always. Even when I was real young I started thinking about boys. I guess you could say that I was “boy crazy”. But all of the guys that I liked back then turned out to be real jerks: one became a druggie, another was arrested, and the others just turned away from God. I know how to pick em...let me tell you. (joke)

When I was 13, I started praying for my future husband. I wrote down a list of all of the things that I wanted in a husband...and the list was like 3 pages long, even at 13 years old. I considered that list my “mail-order” for a husband and read it to God several times.  Though my list has changed some through the years, my dream of getting married never did. It’s always been understood, in my mind, that I’m going to meet the man that God has for me and I’m going to get married. Period. I had decided.

The other day, God was talking to me about surrender and that there was one area of my life that I hadn’t given to Him. I was perplexed. Surely, I had given all that I am to Him. And then He told me that I needed to surrender my longing for marriage. I felt that His request was just absurd and, to be honest, I blew Him off for a couple of days. To clarify, I’ve never really had a problem with surrendering; sure, it’s a process, but it’s been easy to give up things for God, like some of my dreams and even my career path of choice, but this? 

A few days later, He brought it up again. I knew that I needed to give it to Him, but the thought of possibly not getting married tore me apart. I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to find the words. Finally, God asked me “Am I not enough for you? Is My love not enough?” I was heartbroken. What could I do? If I answered no, then I was saying that God’s love, that is so encompassing and overwhelming that I can’t even grasp it’s worth, wasn’t good enough for me. On the other hand, if I answered yes, I was giving up one of my most foundational and intimate desires. Through my tears, I surrendered. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. I was sitting on the floor, crying, and I felt God’s peace enter the room. And I just felt God smile and say to me “I’m proud of you, daughter. I know that was hard, but you needed to trust Me. I have your list. I know what you want, but I also know who you need. I’ve heard your prayers; those words were not wasted. I have him. Continue to trust Me and I will draw his heart to yours. Just wait. He’s on the way.” 

Surrender. You can almost hear the struggle by the way it sounds. Surrender. But through surrender comes victory, much like through the darkness comes the dawn. Surrender is hard and you can’t always see the outcome. It’s not painless. But the peace and freedom that floods your being afterward is enough. 

Surrender was my battle, but freedom is my victory. 

the limitation's the limit.

Commercials. I hate them. Sometimes I get those little jingles stuck in my head for days. I hate the Neosporin Band-aid commercial “When you fall always squeeze...then stick!” I hate it for 2 reasons: 1) the song is terrible and I find myself singing it while doing the dishes and 2) the puppeteering is absolutely awful and I can say that because I am a puppeteer and I know of what I speak. But I guess I can’t really hate on it because the advertisement is clearly effective. 

I’ve never really considered billboards very effective, mostly because I’m the one driving and I never see them because I’m watching the road, ensuring the safety of society at large...like any competent passerby, hence, it’s ineffectiveness. However, I had an experience with one just the other day that has continued to plague my mind. The billboard was simple and all it said was...

“‘What would you attempt for Me if you knew you could not fail?’ -God”

Wow. I have no idea what this “advertisement” was actually for, but I was totally taken aback by this. But once the contemplation process started, I was challenged. I hate failure. I shy away from things that have the potential to make me be even slightly unsuccessful. I mean, I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, and I’m not going to run with something that’s strongest requirement is my biggest weakness. Let’s be realistic...that’s just not gonna happen. 

I guess you could say that I let my perceptions of my own limitations be my limitation. I let my weaknesses govern what I’m willing and able to do. But I serve an infallible God. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.” This is a great verse and I always use it to bring immediate encouragement to my life or to others...but what if I actually started living this lifestyle? 

And then I started thinking about how my dreams would differ if I truly believed that I could not fail. Would I dare to dream the impossible? What have I already labeled as ‘impossible’? By limiting myself I am limiting God, which seems absurd, but it entirely true. God wants to work through me, but only through what I allow Him to. God is such a gentleman, and He will only take and use what I give to Him. So, if I set limits on myself, I set limits on what He is able to accomplish through me. And that’s a serious no-no, but one that I make over and over. 

Don’t let your perceptions of your limitations limit what God can do in you and through you. Abandon yourself to Him. Toss away your limits. Your God is limitless. Do you think He made you to be limited? To be kept in a box? Quit being your own hinderance. Keep dreaming, because the One who gives you dreams is the One Who will give you all that you need to see it become your reality.