Why is it that every time I go home everyone has to ask me the exact same question? Care to guess what question? You got it! “So...do you have a boyfriend?” Seriously, without fail, my entire family asks me this question. No! Ok? No. My 14 year old little brother is so tired of my answer that he is always suggesting that he should come to my school and find me one because “Steph, you’re 20...you need a boyfriend.” Why is this so high on everyone’s list?
It’s always been my desire to get married. Always. Even when I was real young I started thinking about boys. I guess you could say that I was “boy crazy”. But all of the guys that I liked back then turned out to be real jerks: one became a druggie, another was arrested, and the others just turned away from God. I know how to pick em...let me tell you. (joke)
When I was 13, I started praying for my future husband. I wrote down a list of all of the things that I wanted in a husband...and the list was like 3 pages long, even at 13 years old. I considered that list my “mail-order” for a husband and read it to God several times. Though my list has changed some through the years, my dream of getting married never did. It’s always been understood, in my mind, that I’m going to meet the man that God has for me and I’m going to get married. Period. I had decided.
The other day, God was talking to me about surrender and that there was one area of my life that I hadn’t given to Him. I was perplexed. Surely, I had given all that I am to Him. And then He told me that I needed to surrender my longing for marriage. I felt that His request was just absurd and, to be honest, I blew Him off for a couple of days. To clarify, I’ve never really had a problem with surrendering; sure, it’s a process, but it’s been easy to give up things for God, like some of my dreams and even my career path of choice, but this?
A few days later, He brought it up again. I knew that I needed to give it to Him, but the thought of possibly not getting married tore me apart. I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to find the words. Finally, God asked me “Am I not enough for you? Is My love not enough?” I was heartbroken. What could I do? If I answered no, then I was saying that God’s love, that is so encompassing and overwhelming that I can’t even grasp it’s worth, wasn’t good enough for me. On the other hand, if I answered yes, I was giving up one of my most foundational and intimate desires. Through my tears, I surrendered. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. I was sitting on the floor, crying, and I felt God’s peace enter the room. And I just felt God smile and say to me “I’m proud of you, daughter. I know that was hard, but you needed to trust Me. I have your list. I know what you want, but I also know who you need. I’ve heard your prayers; those words were not wasted. I have him. Continue to trust Me and I will draw his heart to yours. Just wait. He’s on the way.”
Surrender. You can almost hear the struggle by the way it sounds. Surrender. But through surrender comes victory, much like through the darkness comes the dawn. Surrender is hard and you can’t always see the outcome. It’s not painless. But the peace and freedom that floods your being afterward is enough.
Surrender was my battle, but freedom is my victory.
No comments:
Post a Comment