undeleted.

I wrote my first song when I was 4 years old. I still remember it. I sang it everywhere. It was very simple, and to be honest, I’m not sure why I wrote it. I doesn’t really make sense. The lyrics were...

“I walk through the path, and He comes in

I walk through the path, and He comes in

Oh, I walk through the path, and He comes in

He is my Lord”

That was it! I don’t know where this came from...maybe it was supposed to be something like Pilgrim's Progress...but I was 4...I hadn’t read it yet. It doesn’t make sense...for one, you walk ON a path, not through it. And yes, even at that age, I had learned the power and significance of the “Oh”. But I guess that song started it all. I’ve been writing ever since, but I like to believe that my stuff is a bit more meaningful now. 

Tonight, I went through 7 of the songs that I’ve written, some that were just lyrics and chords on paper and others that I actually recorded. I came across this one song that reminded me of the one I wrote when I was 4. It was embarrassingly basic; I mean, there are some songs that are sooo good because of the simplicity, but this was definitely not one of those songs. The lyrics are...

“I’m waiting for You

I’m waiting for You

Come fill my life, be the air that I breathe

Consume my heart, be my heartbeat

I’m Yours and I’m waiting for You”

That was it. The entire song. And I recorded 2 and a half minutes of just this! Over and over and over again. I scoffed at myself. Steph, what IS this? You can do better than this. What were you thinking?  As I was moving the cursor over the ‘delete’ button, I heard a voice ask me...”Do you remember when you wrote this song?” I couldn’t remember off the top of my head, so I pulled out my song journal and found the entry...October 2006. My first thought was that the date explained why the song was so basic...I was 15 years old. But then I heard the voice again, “Do you remember what you were going through when you wrote this song?” Bam. My heart stopped, well ok, if it didn’t stop, then something else happened...the earth stopped revolving...the air got incredibly thin...I don’t know, but my heart grew heavy. I knew what this was about. In September, I received some news that would change my life forever, for better and for worse. I was dying...jk I wasn’t dying, but I felt like dying after I received the news that my church was closing. To some, this might not sound like a big deal, but this was my home church. I’d never known another church. My grandpa started the church and when I was 12, my parents were set in as senior pastors. This church was my life, my school, my friends. My whole world was falling apart in front of me...and there was nothing I could do.

The 3 months following were the worst 3 months of my entire life: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I felt dead. My faith was dead. I blamed my parents and slowly lost all respect for them...I could probably even honestly say that I grew to the point where I hated them. And this news was still a secret...I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. I just had to bear it all...alone. I withdrew from everyone...especially God. I started doubting Him, seriously doubting Him. And if that wasn’t enough, I started finding ways to live in deliberate disobedience. I fell so deep in sin that it took 4 years to find complete healing. That was my ultimate low. 

I have never felt so alone as I did during that time. And yet, somewhere in the midst of all this, I found a place of brokenness before God and was able to form one last cry of desperation...this song. And rediscovering this tonight brought me so much peace and joy. God often reminds me of what I’ve been through, that way I can shout His praises even louder than before. God is faithful :)

So for now, the song stays on my computer...maybe I’ll even take a stab at recording it again, you know, fixing it up a little. This was such a good lesson for me, in fact, a good lesson for all. Don’t take your past too lightly. God has forgiven you, forgive yourself, and remember what God has done for you. 

“There is no pit too deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” 

~Betsie ten Boom...said on her death bed at a concentration camp in Germany in 1944. Betsie, her sister Corrie, and her whole family were forced into concentration camps for hiding Jews.

Sometimes, it’s not about how well you’re able to write, or how well you speak...it’s the background story that brings real meaning to your words.