from failure to L-O-V-E.

Wow. Tomorrow, I start my junior year of college. When did that happen?? Wasn’t my 16th birthday like...yesterday? Where has all of the time gone?

In moments like these, I start to wonder what I’m doing with my life. And to be honest, most of the time I consider myself a failure. I haven’t done half of the things that I’ve wanted to do by this time: I’m still single, I’ve never been clubbing (‘tis true), I’ve never gone over 100 mph, and I really don’t think I’ve ever led anyone to the Lord. Them words here spell out ‘failure’, in the truest sense of the word. I’ve missed several opportunities; I’ve wasted time; I haven’t cared. My only thought now is...is it too late?

I can’t live by my own expectations. Clearly, I fail at my own plans. All I can do is wake up every morning and decide to trust God. What else is there? I’m so small and He is soooo BIG. And He loves me...little ol’ me. He is constantly reminding me that no matter what I do, He won’t love me any more or any less. He can’t! He just loves me! And you know what baffles me about His love? He doesn’t expect anything in return. Think about it. In I John 4:19, it says “We love because He FIRST loved us...” and Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus chose me before He knew of my love. It’s crazy!

I didn’t intend this post to be about love, but clearly it has changed courses from ‘imma failure’ to ‘Jesus loves me’. Why? Well, frankly, because God doesn’t see my failure, He sees my potential. He sees everything in my life that is sinful and hidden, and says...”I can work with that. Trust Me.” 

God has been showing me lately how much He hates it when I cast judgment on myself, when I rag on myself for what I have/haven’t done. Judgment doesn’t build me up or make me a better person...no, it just cuts me down and makes me wanna give up. And that’s not what He wants for me. He encourages me daily through simple things, maybe through the crisp sunlight or maybe through one of my friends. God wants me to place my insecurities in Him...in Security Itself. If He is my foundation, why do I doubt? Why do I worry?

In closing, I guess what I’m rambling about is to not look at what you consider failure, but instead look to Christ. Ask Him to show you what He’s doing in your life and the ways that He is using you even now. And lastly, let Him love on you...it’s what He does best :) 

the watery, slightly alkaline and saline secretion.

...also known as, tears. When you think about it this way, tears seem more important, or even more profound, than ‘salt water’. I always wonder what would happen if tears were sweet, instead of salty. Or like, you know how people say that there are ‘tears of joy’? Why can’t the joyful tears be sweet and all of the other ones be salty?...I guess that joyful tears would be very sticky...like cotton candy. And I would hate to have cotton candy stuck on my face. Gross. I think I’ll just stick to salt water.

Sweet, salty, sour, tasteless, strawberry, or whatever flavor your’s might be...tears have always been somewhat of a threat to me. It’s something that I don’t really understand about myself because I love relationships, I love being close to people and reaching a ‘deeper level’...but even my closest friends haven’t seen my tears. I won’t let them. I do everything in my power to keep myself from showing that level of vulnerability, and I’m really not sure why I do it. Like most people, if not everyone, I’ve been hurt in the past, but I really don’t think that it has something to do with this. 

But just because I don’t let others see me cry doesn’t mean that I don’t. I do! I cry all the time! Certain movies make me cry...and not because of some super romantic scene, but rather a scene where the person is overcoming impossible obstacles, like being able to forgive the person who hurt them the most or learning how to cope with new challenges. I find the urge to cry during sermons that are speaking directly to me, and especially the sermons that echo my own heart for people, for restoration, for healing. I want to cry when I hear stories of the terrible struggles and pain that people have been through, but can then stand and proclaim God’s goodness and salvation. Those are the things that get me. If people could see how much I cried, they would probably consider me emotional, which I can assure, I am...but I’m not controlled by my emotions. 

Today, it kinda hit me that maybe God made me sensitivity for a reason, in fact, I know He did. God’s given me a lot of compassion for others and a desire to see them find freedom in Christ Jesus. Lately, I’ve been praying/crying for the girls on my campus that are broken and wounded. They have my heart. And I love the heart that God has given me, but I hate the crying part. And you know...it’s okay if others don’t see me cry...as long as I have not taken it so far that I am living in disobedience to God’s direct Word. And I know I have. I can think of many examples when I kept my mouth shut when God wanted me to speak to certain individuals. I can comfort others just fine, as long as it’s on the surface. I don’t like to pry into people’s lives...you won’t find me asking the real questions or addressing the real problem. I don’t cry with people.

...until today. 

For the past few years, God has been taking me on a journey to discover who I am in Him and who He has called me to be. It’s been a long process and through it, I’ve become more real with others about where I am in life, what I’m feeling, my struggles. God keeps reminding me how far I’ve come and encouraging me to keep trusting Him. One thing that I’ve noticed about God is how gently He deals with the matters of my heart, one thing at a time. Recently, He’s been showing me one more thing. A big thing. God basically showed me that my unwillingness to embrace that form of vulnerability (crying with/around other humans) was actually a mask. I have never wanted people to see me when I myself am broken, so I’ve silenced it. I’ve always wanted to be the person that was put together and had such wisdom and insight, but God is slowly shattering my deceptive disguise and revealing His perfect peace, His gentle touch, intimacy on a level that I have never before experienced. Simplicity. And it’s beautiful. 

Today, I started to ask God to take away the whole ‘emotional’ thing, but I had to stop midprayer. God doesn’t desire to make me feel uncomfortable or to become an emotional wreck, but to see freedom take full reign in my life. This is good for me! This is good for others. Maybe girls need to see someone cry for them, someone who believes so strongly for their healing, someone who isn’t afraid of being seen at their most vulnerable point. 

“Cry for Me.”

Instead, I prayed for the boldness to cry whenever and wherever for whatever God would put on my heart to cry for. Something new is happening in my life, and I’m just here, trusting God every step of the way. 

“Allow Me to show others what I see in you.”

~God

dumb and instantaneous.

“Your past doesn’t have to be your future.” What a beautiful thought. This idea inspires one to dream of something better, something joyful. It makes one close their eyes and wish for a painless life without regret, disappointment, and heartache.  It gives hope and lets one feel like they don’t have to be stuck; they can move on. Life doesn’t have to be the same. It sounds too good to be true…and it is.

“Your past doesn’t have to be your future…BUT it WILL be if you don’t do something with your present.”

Too many people expect their life to change instantaneously without having to do anything about it. Think about it this way: You’re really hungry, but do you have to stay hungry? No…just go to the kitchen and make yourself a lil pb&j…you were hungry, you currently aren’t hungry, and you won’t be hungry for at least a couple of hours. Congratulations, you just changed your future. Let’s look at this a second time, but let’s say that this time you didn’t do anything about the hunger. ever. Will you be hungry in the future? Well, yeah…unless you died, which you will because the body requires food, in which case your future was WORSE than your past because you didn’t do something with your present.

Ok, ok…I know that the analogy was on a short scale and it was dumb…but so are people. Everyone’s looking for the quick fix, the magic wand to transform their life from the pauper to the prince. Instantaneous. Right now. Everyone wants a fairytale. But healing is a process. Healing…though God may choose to bring healing instantaneously…I’m not saying that I’m limiting God…but healing usually doesn’t happen in the twitch of an eye.

Christianity…oh Lord, don’t even get me started…has just become another fix, a “spiritual high”. I hate it when people are told that all of their problems will go away if they’ll just turn their life over to Christ. Bull! First of all, praying “The Sinner’s Prayer” doesn’t instantly change your life. You don’t open your eyes feeling like you own the world. I didn’t feel nuthin’. My life wasn’t different; I was still me. Second, Jesus isn’t a genie, there to grant your every wish and make life easier on you. If anything, life got harder when I surrendered to Christ, BUT I now have the strength and power of Christ behind me every step of the way, so that I can overcome! I am victorious! Yeah, I still got problems; I still sin; I still get tempted; I am still me. But as I continue to feed on the Word of God, and I spend time in prayer and worship, I am drawn closer to God, and the closer I get, the more offensive my own sin becomes to me, and my desire to partake in sin decreases.

Sin. I really hate sin. I especially hate it when I sin. Sometimes, I start passing judgment on myself and it gets so bad that all I can hear is my own voice, taunting me. Other times, I’m so broken that all I can do is fall back into God’s forgiveness. Either way, God brings me through. Every time. Do I learn from it? Not always, but even so, God is still there, bringing me through. It’s a process. But the process doesn’t start itself. It’s take a conscientious decision. It’s a choice. But you've got to start somewhere.

You want to change your future? Change your present.

God is my future, but more importantly, He's my present. I stopped playing the games. I stopped the charade. I'm just me. And I know that if it weren't for God's grace, I would not be where I am today. But I took the first step...and God met me. Take the step. One step. It's not too late.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” ~Revelations 21:4

This is my future. What’s yours?

undeleted.

I wrote my first song when I was 4 years old. I still remember it. I sang it everywhere. It was very simple, and to be honest, I’m not sure why I wrote it. I doesn’t really make sense. The lyrics were...

“I walk through the path, and He comes in

I walk through the path, and He comes in

Oh, I walk through the path, and He comes in

He is my Lord”

That was it! I don’t know where this came from...maybe it was supposed to be something like Pilgrim's Progress...but I was 4...I hadn’t read it yet. It doesn’t make sense...for one, you walk ON a path, not through it. And yes, even at that age, I had learned the power and significance of the “Oh”. But I guess that song started it all. I’ve been writing ever since, but I like to believe that my stuff is a bit more meaningful now. 

Tonight, I went through 7 of the songs that I’ve written, some that were just lyrics and chords on paper and others that I actually recorded. I came across this one song that reminded me of the one I wrote when I was 4. It was embarrassingly basic; I mean, there are some songs that are sooo good because of the simplicity, but this was definitely not one of those songs. The lyrics are...

“I’m waiting for You

I’m waiting for You

Come fill my life, be the air that I breathe

Consume my heart, be my heartbeat

I’m Yours and I’m waiting for You”

That was it. The entire song. And I recorded 2 and a half minutes of just this! Over and over and over again. I scoffed at myself. Steph, what IS this? You can do better than this. What were you thinking?  As I was moving the cursor over the ‘delete’ button, I heard a voice ask me...”Do you remember when you wrote this song?” I couldn’t remember off the top of my head, so I pulled out my song journal and found the entry...October 2006. My first thought was that the date explained why the song was so basic...I was 15 years old. But then I heard the voice again, “Do you remember what you were going through when you wrote this song?” Bam. My heart stopped, well ok, if it didn’t stop, then something else happened...the earth stopped revolving...the air got incredibly thin...I don’t know, but my heart grew heavy. I knew what this was about. In September, I received some news that would change my life forever, for better and for worse. I was dying...jk I wasn’t dying, but I felt like dying after I received the news that my church was closing. To some, this might not sound like a big deal, but this was my home church. I’d never known another church. My grandpa started the church and when I was 12, my parents were set in as senior pastors. This church was my life, my school, my friends. My whole world was falling apart in front of me...and there was nothing I could do.

The 3 months following were the worst 3 months of my entire life: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I felt dead. My faith was dead. I blamed my parents and slowly lost all respect for them...I could probably even honestly say that I grew to the point where I hated them. And this news was still a secret...I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I felt. I just had to bear it all...alone. I withdrew from everyone...especially God. I started doubting Him, seriously doubting Him. And if that wasn’t enough, I started finding ways to live in deliberate disobedience. I fell so deep in sin that it took 4 years to find complete healing. That was my ultimate low. 

I have never felt so alone as I did during that time. And yet, somewhere in the midst of all this, I found a place of brokenness before God and was able to form one last cry of desperation...this song. And rediscovering this tonight brought me so much peace and joy. God often reminds me of what I’ve been through, that way I can shout His praises even louder than before. God is faithful :)

So for now, the song stays on my computer...maybe I’ll even take a stab at recording it again, you know, fixing it up a little. This was such a good lesson for me, in fact, a good lesson for all. Don’t take your past too lightly. God has forgiven you, forgive yourself, and remember what God has done for you. 

“There is no pit too deep that God’s love is not deeper still.” 

~Betsie ten Boom...said on her death bed at a concentration camp in Germany in 1944. Betsie, her sister Corrie, and her whole family were forced into concentration camps for hiding Jews.

Sometimes, it’s not about how well you’re able to write, or how well you speak...it’s the background story that brings real meaning to your words.

pursued and rescued.

Tonight, I flipped open my Bible for the second time in several weeks. As much as I would love to say that I am completely consistent in my pursuit for a deeper relationship with my Creator, I can’t. I don’t read my Bible nearly as often as I need to, and my thirst for God simply gets overlooked. My sole purpose for fasting movies this summer was to reawaken that passion, that hunger, for God, and I regret to report that, though I’ve been faithful in my fast, I have found other things in which to devote my time. It’s not like these things are sinful or shameful, in fact, some of them have been of great benefit to me. However, they have taken precedence over what should be my highest priority...and that’s not okay. 

Tonight, I found comfort. When I flipped open my Bible, the page landed on II Samuel 22, which is David’s Song of Praise after he and his warriors fought a battle against the Philistines and won. I find that I am always challenged by David and his faith in the mighty power and grace of God. The chapter starts off with David praising God for Who He is and for what He has done. Challenge #1 David never forgot to give credit to whom credit is do. 

Verses 2-4

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold, my high tower, my savior, the one who saves me from violence. I will call on the LORD, who is worthy of praise, for he saves me from my enemies.”

David continues with a poetic description of his recent struggle and raw commentary on the depth of his despair. Challenge #2 David openly shared what he was facing: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Verses 5-6

“The waves of death surrounded me; the floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death itself stared me in the face.” 

The next part of the chapter is what hit me tonight. David paints a vivid picture of God’s “Saving Private Ryan” mission to rescue David. Why did God intervene? Why did He rescue David? Challenge #3 David was never too proud to cry out for help.

Verses 7-17, 20

“But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I called to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears. Then the earth quaked and trembled; the foundations of the heaven shook; they quaked because of his anger. Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him. He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet. Mounted on a mighty angel, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind. He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dense rain clouds. A great brightness shone before him, and bolts of lightning blazed forth. The LORD thundered from heaven; the Most High gave a mighty shout. He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies; his lightning flashed, and they were confused. Then at the command of the LORD, at the blast of his breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen, and the foundations of the earth were laid bare. He reached down from heaven and rescued me...he rescued me because he delights in me.”

I love how this passage goes into this high action display of God’s power with the lightning and earthshaking and storms and enemy scattering...to end with a simple, peaceful, heartwarming finale...”He reached down from heaven and rescued me.” The same God Who created the foundations of the universe, Who spoke life into existence, Who’s Son defeated death and the grave, Who’s voice the winds and seas obey...the same God is relentlessly pursuing YOU, rescuing you from the deepest, darkest, most shameful place you’ve ever been imprisoned! Even when you stop the pursuit, God keeps going. God will never let go of you! And no matter what you’ve done or said or thought about, this same God delights in you! 

Romans 8: 38-39

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demon’s can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

You are never too far, too lost, too bruised, too buried to be rescued. 

“Oh, how He loves us.

How He loves.”

unreserved.

I hate silence. I would rather put on a movie and not pay attention to it or turn up some random music than sit in a silent room. When I go to bed, I blast my air conditioner or kick on the fan to provide some nice, consistent background noise. And “moments of silence”? Yeah, those are just creepy. I’m not afraid of silence, it just isn’t comfortable. And I hate it.

Yet...how many times am I content to remain silent for someone else? How many times am I okay with watching as a friend’s life is being drained by the path they’ve walked because I don’t have the guts to say something? How many hurting girls will I turn away because I don’t want to face my own brokenness? God, if only You could somehow use this mess that I’ve created.

God’s been telling me lately that I need to become unreserved in my faith and in my lifestyle. Unreserved - without reservation. What’s holding me back? So many times, I’ve longed to find my voice and make my beliefs known, make truth known, but I’m silenced by the threat of not being considered “politically correct.” I guess I’m just hiding in my own condemnation and fear. 

My mom was one of those high school Christians that you didn’t mess with. Whenever anyone cursed around her, she shut them down, until they all learned to keep their mouths shut. She was feared, respected.

Paul is one of my favorite people in the Bible. He has quite the story: murderer of Christians changed to encourager of Christians. Regardless of his past, he became a great man of God. He was a man of authority and encouragement. However, he was also a man of confrontation, being totally unreserved in his speech. He spoke the truth and said things that made people uncomfortable and convicted. His goal was to be correct in the eyes of God, not politics. Sin appalled him and he refused to be silent about it. He was a man of passion, and because of his passion for his people, he lost his life.

I want to be like Paul. I want to be so passionate about people that I could say that “I would be willing to be forever cursed - cut off from Christ - if that would save them.” (Romans 9:3) I want his boldness and his endurance. I want his faith. 

The only problem is...I don’t know how to get there.

God, give me direction. I want to be unreserved to Your will. 

so...here's to growth.

I’ve always been considered mature for my age, what that really means I haven’t a clue. But people have told me this ever since I was a young thing. Clearly these people haven’t seen me recently: 20 years old and I walk out of my room at 2am with my hair disheveled, carrying a box that once held a vacuum cleaner, and pull out a Nerf N-Strike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 Dart Blaster and attack my unsuspecting prey. Yeah, that’s maturity right there. Yessir. But these dear folks say I’m mature, so obviously, it’s true. But when you think about it, what is maturity? How is it measured? How can one really say that they’re mature? Is there a system? Is there a specific level that’s considered one’s optimum maturity? I could really care less. In fact, I don’t care how mature I am now or how mature I eventually will be...what I’m concerned about is growth. 

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Growth and maturity are synonymous.” Maybe so, but not to me, and this is my blog, so we’ll stick with what I think. Growth, as it pertains to humans, is the optional outcome based on one’s reaction to opportunity. Growth is always a choice; it’s always your choice. You can’t always choose your surroundings or your circumstances, but you have a choice as to how you are going to react to said circumstances. 

Another thing: growth isn’t easy. Ever. The process of growth is rather uncomfortable. I have never known growth to spring from a routine. It comes from change. The times in my life where I’ve grown are usually situations that are tough and painful, like when my church of 16 years closed or when my grandma passed away. There’s also growth in changes that are just different, like when I left for college. In both of those situations and in many more like them, I had decisions to make, and they weren’t easy, but they were right. 

I long for growth. Spiritual growth. I want to always be growing. My dad once told me that “if you’re not moving forward (growth), you’re slowly sliding backwards (shrinkage)”. It’s so true! It’s so easy to fall into compromise, and sometimes, you aren’t even aware of it. It’s like that Casting Crowns song “Slow Fade” (if you haven’t heard it, shame on you...jk go listen to it now!). I don’t want to live a life of compromise. I want to grow! I want to grow fast! 

And what a better time for growth than this summer?! I can’t begin to express how excited I am! I’m gonna do something drastic, something daring, something I’ve never attempted before: I’m going to fast movies and TV for 12 consecutive weeks. Why? Because too much of my time is being wasted on such nonsense. I’m going to spend my time more wisely: exploring God’s Word, reading books, writing books and songs, praying, increasing my guitar skills, and doing something artistic. Will it be hard? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Philippians 4:13 “I can go ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yeah, it’s a sacrifice, but it’s also a season of growth! 

How do you grow faster? I don’t know, but I think it’s through openness to God. God can use an open person. God brings opportunity to those who are obedient. And as I said before, growth comes from opportunity. And through this fast, I’m going to become closer and more open to God. This is the summer for change. I can feel it. And I’m excited :)

So, here’s to growth!

the creativity card.

So, I love pretty much anything involving color and design. For the longest time, I wanted to be an architect, but here I am...planning on getting a degree in accounting. It’s amazing to me how my interests cover a vast amount of topics, such as photography, archery, and top spinning. In pursuit towards art and color, I took a few art classes, allowing my creativity to be expanded. But the more I learned, the more I realized that creativity is a vital part of life, not something that’s merely meant for those who call themselves “artistic”. 

This past school year has been amazing! I’ve grown so much in my relationships, mostly in my relationship with God. Being a wing chaplain has challenged me in ways that I wasn’t really expecting, but gladly embraced nonetheless. Devos, a weekly prayer/fellowship/devotional, have been a really cool part of what I do. I feel like we’ve done everything from beer pong (with root beer) to worship to being women of encouragement. We’ve talked about beauty, self-esteem, and how our identity is found in Christ alone. We talked about dreams and the God Who is faithful to bring about even the smallest and simplest dream. We shared about the heart of the Father, Who is jealous for us and Whose love is unquenchable. We’ve finger-painted, laughed, cried, hugged, prayed, watched movies, snuggled, ate. But mostly, we’ve grown...grown into women of faithfulness and purity, grown in freedom. It’s so beautiful :)

I’m already thinking about next year and how I get to do this all over again. And that thought really kinda freaked me out. I suddenly felt like I had used my last card and that I don’t have anything left to offer. I’m out of creativity. And that was a really depressing and lonely feeling...especially when I’m not even sure if what I did this year did that much good, you know?

But then I had this entirely amazing experience. I can’t even really describe what happened, but in short, everything is good now. I felt God ask me if the creativity I had used was mine or His. It’s His, of course, to which He responded “And you’re saying that I, Who created everything that ever was and ever has been, is suddenly out of creativity?” Talk about a shocker of a question...I almost slapped myself for even thinking such a thing! But isn’t it true though? We go through life and somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten about Who it is that gives us life in the first place. 

God has my back, even when I forget that He is the One Who is holding my world in His hands. It’s all about trust...and thankfulness. Thank you, God, for reminding me that this isn’t supposed to be my burden and that I should leave the way to speak and the way to influence in Your hands. Thank you for the creativity that You are giving to me right now. Help me to use it to bring us closer to You and that You will be glorified. I love You. 

God, You inspire me :)

the truth about me...

You never know what is waiting for you when you step onto an elevator. Sometimes, the people you’re riding with are real creepy and stare at you the whole time. Other times, it’s pretty chill, laid back, mostly quiet, and maybe ask “do you think it’ll rain today?” right before you reach your destination. No matter the situation, you can always count on one thing...it will always smell funky. 

Everyday holds a new elevator experience. Today was no different. Before boarding the elevator, one of my friends stepped out; her mother was with her, which provided the content for the elevator conversation. We boarded, and with pushing the buttons marked 5 and 6 on the wall, we embarked on our journey. One of the girls on board said something about how much the girl and mom looked alike. She proceeded to tell us how much she enjoyed seeing child and parent together, pointing out the similarities in looks and actions. Then the doors opened on the 5th floor and we separated, each going our own ways, conversation ceased, but the topic continued to plague me for some time. 

Flashback: I was 10 years old. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night. She was holding a phone and saying “Honey, I found him! He’s on the phone! Here!” I was still groggy and half-asleep, but I took the phone. That was the only time I’ve ever spoken to my birthfather. 

And I don’t remember any of the conversation. I don’t remember the sound of his voice. The only picture I had of him was when he was 18 years old, a senior in high school, but that picture was lost when we moved, and I don’t remember the details. It’s hard, living the life of an adoptee. Because we had an open adoption, I have more information than most, especially about my birthmother, and I’m ever so grateful for what I have. But at the same time, it brings even more questions to the surface. 

Sometimes I just sit and wonder what my father is like. What color are his eyes? Do I look anything like him? Do I have his mannerisms? Do we have the same personalities? Do we like any of the same things (sports, subjects, food)? Those questions run through my head all the time, but that’s fine, because these are the mild questions, unanswerable?...true, but mild. The one question that all adopted children have to face is the most difficult, the most painful: 

Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? 

I won’t pretend that these questions didn’t make me question my own value. No, I’ve had to deal with rejection, with the thoughts that I’m unloveable. I’ve struggled over these questions for years. The truth in all of this was that my birthmother gave me up because she loved me and she wanted me to have a better life than what she could offer. It was a sacrifice, not a rejection. Being older, I understand that now and I owe my life to her. But those questions are still there.

I wanna know my birthfather. I think about him all the time. For a while, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but lately...I can’t deny that there is a burning void in my life, like a part of me is missing. I want people to see us and make comments about how I look like him. Will I be able to live a successful life without knowing him? Yes, but I still want to know him. I will find him. Someday :)

Every time I think about this, I realize again how faithful God is. You can see God’s hand on my life in just how trippy my whole story is. God truly is my Father. I talk to Him about it all the time, about why me and not some other random person. And His response is always the same: “Because I wanted you.” God amazes me. I love how He takes my deepest and darkest, most tormenting question, and turns it into a lovestory. 

I want people to see us and point out how much I look like Him. I want people to see my Father in me. 

Matthew 7:16 “You will know them by their fruit...”

I could tell so much more about my history and about how I’ve dealt with things, but I wanted to keep this somewhat short. I guess you’ll just have to wait for my book ;)

the struggle for surrender.

Why is it that every time I go home everyone has to ask me the exact same question? Care to guess what question? You got it! “So...do you have a boyfriend?” Seriously, without fail, my entire family asks me this question. No! Ok? No. My 14 year old little brother is so tired of my answer that he is always suggesting that he should come to my school and find me one because “Steph, you’re 20...you need a boyfriend.” Why is this so high on everyone’s list?

It’s always been my desire to get married. Always. Even when I was real young I started thinking about boys. I guess you could say that I was “boy crazy”. But all of the guys that I liked back then turned out to be real jerks: one became a druggie, another was arrested, and the others just turned away from God. I know how to pick em...let me tell you. (joke)

When I was 13, I started praying for my future husband. I wrote down a list of all of the things that I wanted in a husband...and the list was like 3 pages long, even at 13 years old. I considered that list my “mail-order” for a husband and read it to God several times.  Though my list has changed some through the years, my dream of getting married never did. It’s always been understood, in my mind, that I’m going to meet the man that God has for me and I’m going to get married. Period. I had decided.

The other day, God was talking to me about surrender and that there was one area of my life that I hadn’t given to Him. I was perplexed. Surely, I had given all that I am to Him. And then He told me that I needed to surrender my longing for marriage. I felt that His request was just absurd and, to be honest, I blew Him off for a couple of days. To clarify, I’ve never really had a problem with surrendering; sure, it’s a process, but it’s been easy to give up things for God, like some of my dreams and even my career path of choice, but this? 

A few days later, He brought it up again. I knew that I needed to give it to Him, but the thought of possibly not getting married tore me apart. I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to find the words. Finally, God asked me “Am I not enough for you? Is My love not enough?” I was heartbroken. What could I do? If I answered no, then I was saying that God’s love, that is so encompassing and overwhelming that I can’t even grasp it’s worth, wasn’t good enough for me. On the other hand, if I answered yes, I was giving up one of my most foundational and intimate desires. Through my tears, I surrendered. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. I was sitting on the floor, crying, and I felt God’s peace enter the room. And I just felt God smile and say to me “I’m proud of you, daughter. I know that was hard, but you needed to trust Me. I have your list. I know what you want, but I also know who you need. I’ve heard your prayers; those words were not wasted. I have him. Continue to trust Me and I will draw his heart to yours. Just wait. He’s on the way.” 

Surrender. You can almost hear the struggle by the way it sounds. Surrender. But through surrender comes victory, much like through the darkness comes the dawn. Surrender is hard and you can’t always see the outcome. It’s not painless. But the peace and freedom that floods your being afterward is enough. 

Surrender was my battle, but freedom is my victory.