unreserved.

I hate silence. I would rather put on a movie and not pay attention to it or turn up some random music than sit in a silent room. When I go to bed, I blast my air conditioner or kick on the fan to provide some nice, consistent background noise. And “moments of silence”? Yeah, those are just creepy. I’m not afraid of silence, it just isn’t comfortable. And I hate it.

Yet...how many times am I content to remain silent for someone else? How many times am I okay with watching as a friend’s life is being drained by the path they’ve walked because I don’t have the guts to say something? How many hurting girls will I turn away because I don’t want to face my own brokenness? God, if only You could somehow use this mess that I’ve created.

God’s been telling me lately that I need to become unreserved in my faith and in my lifestyle. Unreserved - without reservation. What’s holding me back? So many times, I’ve longed to find my voice and make my beliefs known, make truth known, but I’m silenced by the threat of not being considered “politically correct.” I guess I’m just hiding in my own condemnation and fear. 

My mom was one of those high school Christians that you didn’t mess with. Whenever anyone cursed around her, she shut them down, until they all learned to keep their mouths shut. She was feared, respected.

Paul is one of my favorite people in the Bible. He has quite the story: murderer of Christians changed to encourager of Christians. Regardless of his past, he became a great man of God. He was a man of authority and encouragement. However, he was also a man of confrontation, being totally unreserved in his speech. He spoke the truth and said things that made people uncomfortable and convicted. His goal was to be correct in the eyes of God, not politics. Sin appalled him and he refused to be silent about it. He was a man of passion, and because of his passion for his people, he lost his life.

I want to be like Paul. I want to be so passionate about people that I could say that “I would be willing to be forever cursed - cut off from Christ - if that would save them.” (Romans 9:3) I want his boldness and his endurance. I want his faith. 

The only problem is...I don’t know how to get there.

God, give me direction. I want to be unreserved to Your will. 

so...here's to growth.

I’ve always been considered mature for my age, what that really means I haven’t a clue. But people have told me this ever since I was a young thing. Clearly these people haven’t seen me recently: 20 years old and I walk out of my room at 2am with my hair disheveled, carrying a box that once held a vacuum cleaner, and pull out a Nerf N-Strike Raider Rapid Fire CS-35 Dart Blaster and attack my unsuspecting prey. Yeah, that’s maturity right there. Yessir. But these dear folks say I’m mature, so obviously, it’s true. But when you think about it, what is maturity? How is it measured? How can one really say that they’re mature? Is there a system? Is there a specific level that’s considered one’s optimum maturity? I could really care less. In fact, I don’t care how mature I am now or how mature I eventually will be...what I’m concerned about is growth. 

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Growth and maturity are synonymous.” Maybe so, but not to me, and this is my blog, so we’ll stick with what I think. Growth, as it pertains to humans, is the optional outcome based on one’s reaction to opportunity. Growth is always a choice; it’s always your choice. You can’t always choose your surroundings or your circumstances, but you have a choice as to how you are going to react to said circumstances. 

Another thing: growth isn’t easy. Ever. The process of growth is rather uncomfortable. I have never known growth to spring from a routine. It comes from change. The times in my life where I’ve grown are usually situations that are tough and painful, like when my church of 16 years closed or when my grandma passed away. There’s also growth in changes that are just different, like when I left for college. In both of those situations and in many more like them, I had decisions to make, and they weren’t easy, but they were right. 

I long for growth. Spiritual growth. I want to always be growing. My dad once told me that “if you’re not moving forward (growth), you’re slowly sliding backwards (shrinkage)”. It’s so true! It’s so easy to fall into compromise, and sometimes, you aren’t even aware of it. It’s like that Casting Crowns song “Slow Fade” (if you haven’t heard it, shame on you...jk go listen to it now!). I don’t want to live a life of compromise. I want to grow! I want to grow fast! 

And what a better time for growth than this summer?! I can’t begin to express how excited I am! I’m gonna do something drastic, something daring, something I’ve never attempted before: I’m going to fast movies and TV for 12 consecutive weeks. Why? Because too much of my time is being wasted on such nonsense. I’m going to spend my time more wisely: exploring God’s Word, reading books, writing books and songs, praying, increasing my guitar skills, and doing something artistic. Will it be hard? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Philippians 4:13 “I can go ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” Yeah, it’s a sacrifice, but it’s also a season of growth! 

How do you grow faster? I don’t know, but I think it’s through openness to God. God can use an open person. God brings opportunity to those who are obedient. And as I said before, growth comes from opportunity. And through this fast, I’m going to become closer and more open to God. This is the summer for change. I can feel it. And I’m excited :)

So, here’s to growth!

the creativity card.

So, I love pretty much anything involving color and design. For the longest time, I wanted to be an architect, but here I am...planning on getting a degree in accounting. It’s amazing to me how my interests cover a vast amount of topics, such as photography, archery, and top spinning. In pursuit towards art and color, I took a few art classes, allowing my creativity to be expanded. But the more I learned, the more I realized that creativity is a vital part of life, not something that’s merely meant for those who call themselves “artistic”. 

This past school year has been amazing! I’ve grown so much in my relationships, mostly in my relationship with God. Being a wing chaplain has challenged me in ways that I wasn’t really expecting, but gladly embraced nonetheless. Devos, a weekly prayer/fellowship/devotional, have been a really cool part of what I do. I feel like we’ve done everything from beer pong (with root beer) to worship to being women of encouragement. We’ve talked about beauty, self-esteem, and how our identity is found in Christ alone. We talked about dreams and the God Who is faithful to bring about even the smallest and simplest dream. We shared about the heart of the Father, Who is jealous for us and Whose love is unquenchable. We’ve finger-painted, laughed, cried, hugged, prayed, watched movies, snuggled, ate. But mostly, we’ve grown...grown into women of faithfulness and purity, grown in freedom. It’s so beautiful :)

I’m already thinking about next year and how I get to do this all over again. And that thought really kinda freaked me out. I suddenly felt like I had used my last card and that I don’t have anything left to offer. I’m out of creativity. And that was a really depressing and lonely feeling...especially when I’m not even sure if what I did this year did that much good, you know?

But then I had this entirely amazing experience. I can’t even really describe what happened, but in short, everything is good now. I felt God ask me if the creativity I had used was mine or His. It’s His, of course, to which He responded “And you’re saying that I, Who created everything that ever was and ever has been, is suddenly out of creativity?” Talk about a shocker of a question...I almost slapped myself for even thinking such a thing! But isn’t it true though? We go through life and somewhere along the line, we’ve forgotten about Who it is that gives us life in the first place. 

God has my back, even when I forget that He is the One Who is holding my world in His hands. It’s all about trust...and thankfulness. Thank you, God, for reminding me that this isn’t supposed to be my burden and that I should leave the way to speak and the way to influence in Your hands. Thank you for the creativity that You are giving to me right now. Help me to use it to bring us closer to You and that You will be glorified. I love You. 

God, You inspire me :)

the truth about me...

You never know what is waiting for you when you step onto an elevator. Sometimes, the people you’re riding with are real creepy and stare at you the whole time. Other times, it’s pretty chill, laid back, mostly quiet, and maybe ask “do you think it’ll rain today?” right before you reach your destination. No matter the situation, you can always count on one thing...it will always smell funky. 

Everyday holds a new elevator experience. Today was no different. Before boarding the elevator, one of my friends stepped out; her mother was with her, which provided the content for the elevator conversation. We boarded, and with pushing the buttons marked 5 and 6 on the wall, we embarked on our journey. One of the girls on board said something about how much the girl and mom looked alike. She proceeded to tell us how much she enjoyed seeing child and parent together, pointing out the similarities in looks and actions. Then the doors opened on the 5th floor and we separated, each going our own ways, conversation ceased, but the topic continued to plague me for some time. 

Flashback: I was 10 years old. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night. She was holding a phone and saying “Honey, I found him! He’s on the phone! Here!” I was still groggy and half-asleep, but I took the phone. That was the only time I’ve ever spoken to my birthfather. 

And I don’t remember any of the conversation. I don’t remember the sound of his voice. The only picture I had of him was when he was 18 years old, a senior in high school, but that picture was lost when we moved, and I don’t remember the details. It’s hard, living the life of an adoptee. Because we had an open adoption, I have more information than most, especially about my birthmother, and I’m ever so grateful for what I have. But at the same time, it brings even more questions to the surface. 

Sometimes I just sit and wonder what my father is like. What color are his eyes? Do I look anything like him? Do I have his mannerisms? Do we have the same personalities? Do we like any of the same things (sports, subjects, food)? Those questions run through my head all the time, but that’s fine, because these are the mild questions, unanswerable?...true, but mild. The one question that all adopted children have to face is the most difficult, the most painful: 

Why didn’t they want me? What was wrong with me? 

I won’t pretend that these questions didn’t make me question my own value. No, I’ve had to deal with rejection, with the thoughts that I’m unloveable. I’ve struggled over these questions for years. The truth in all of this was that my birthmother gave me up because she loved me and she wanted me to have a better life than what she could offer. It was a sacrifice, not a rejection. Being older, I understand that now and I owe my life to her. But those questions are still there.

I wanna know my birthfather. I think about him all the time. For a while, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but lately...I can’t deny that there is a burning void in my life, like a part of me is missing. I want people to see us and make comments about how I look like him. Will I be able to live a successful life without knowing him? Yes, but I still want to know him. I will find him. Someday :)

Every time I think about this, I realize again how faithful God is. You can see God’s hand on my life in just how trippy my whole story is. God truly is my Father. I talk to Him about it all the time, about why me and not some other random person. And His response is always the same: “Because I wanted you.” God amazes me. I love how He takes my deepest and darkest, most tormenting question, and turns it into a lovestory. 

I want people to see us and point out how much I look like Him. I want people to see my Father in me. 

Matthew 7:16 “You will know them by their fruit...”

I could tell so much more about my history and about how I’ve dealt with things, but I wanted to keep this somewhat short. I guess you’ll just have to wait for my book ;)

the struggle for surrender.

Why is it that every time I go home everyone has to ask me the exact same question? Care to guess what question? You got it! “So...do you have a boyfriend?” Seriously, without fail, my entire family asks me this question. No! Ok? No. My 14 year old little brother is so tired of my answer that he is always suggesting that he should come to my school and find me one because “Steph, you’re 20...you need a boyfriend.” Why is this so high on everyone’s list?

It’s always been my desire to get married. Always. Even when I was real young I started thinking about boys. I guess you could say that I was “boy crazy”. But all of the guys that I liked back then turned out to be real jerks: one became a druggie, another was arrested, and the others just turned away from God. I know how to pick em...let me tell you. (joke)

When I was 13, I started praying for my future husband. I wrote down a list of all of the things that I wanted in a husband...and the list was like 3 pages long, even at 13 years old. I considered that list my “mail-order” for a husband and read it to God several times.  Though my list has changed some through the years, my dream of getting married never did. It’s always been understood, in my mind, that I’m going to meet the man that God has for me and I’m going to get married. Period. I had decided.

The other day, God was talking to me about surrender and that there was one area of my life that I hadn’t given to Him. I was perplexed. Surely, I had given all that I am to Him. And then He told me that I needed to surrender my longing for marriage. I felt that His request was just absurd and, to be honest, I blew Him off for a couple of days. To clarify, I’ve never really had a problem with surrendering; sure, it’s a process, but it’s been easy to give up things for God, like some of my dreams and even my career path of choice, but this? 

A few days later, He brought it up again. I knew that I needed to give it to Him, but the thought of possibly not getting married tore me apart. I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to find the words. Finally, God asked me “Am I not enough for you? Is My love not enough?” I was heartbroken. What could I do? If I answered no, then I was saying that God’s love, that is so encompassing and overwhelming that I can’t even grasp it’s worth, wasn’t good enough for me. On the other hand, if I answered yes, I was giving up one of my most foundational and intimate desires. Through my tears, I surrendered. That was the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to do. I was sitting on the floor, crying, and I felt God’s peace enter the room. And I just felt God smile and say to me “I’m proud of you, daughter. I know that was hard, but you needed to trust Me. I have your list. I know what you want, but I also know who you need. I’ve heard your prayers; those words were not wasted. I have him. Continue to trust Me and I will draw his heart to yours. Just wait. He’s on the way.” 

Surrender. You can almost hear the struggle by the way it sounds. Surrender. But through surrender comes victory, much like through the darkness comes the dawn. Surrender is hard and you can’t always see the outcome. It’s not painless. But the peace and freedom that floods your being afterward is enough. 

Surrender was my battle, but freedom is my victory. 

the limitation's the limit.

Commercials. I hate them. Sometimes I get those little jingles stuck in my head for days. I hate the Neosporin Band-aid commercial “When you fall always squeeze...then stick!” I hate it for 2 reasons: 1) the song is terrible and I find myself singing it while doing the dishes and 2) the puppeteering is absolutely awful and I can say that because I am a puppeteer and I know of what I speak. But I guess I can’t really hate on it because the advertisement is clearly effective. 

I’ve never really considered billboards very effective, mostly because I’m the one driving and I never see them because I’m watching the road, ensuring the safety of society at large...like any competent passerby, hence, it’s ineffectiveness. However, I had an experience with one just the other day that has continued to plague my mind. The billboard was simple and all it said was...

“‘What would you attempt for Me if you knew you could not fail?’ -God”

Wow. I have no idea what this “advertisement” was actually for, but I was totally taken aback by this. But once the contemplation process started, I was challenged. I hate failure. I shy away from things that have the potential to make me be even slightly unsuccessful. I mean, I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses, and I’m not going to run with something that’s strongest requirement is my biggest weakness. Let’s be realistic...that’s just not gonna happen. 

I guess you could say that I let my perceptions of my own limitations be my limitation. I let my weaknesses govern what I’m willing and able to do. But I serve an infallible God. Philippians 4:13 says, “I can do ALL things through Christ Who strengthens me.” This is a great verse and I always use it to bring immediate encouragement to my life or to others...but what if I actually started living this lifestyle? 

And then I started thinking about how my dreams would differ if I truly believed that I could not fail. Would I dare to dream the impossible? What have I already labeled as ‘impossible’? By limiting myself I am limiting God, which seems absurd, but it entirely true. God wants to work through me, but only through what I allow Him to. God is such a gentleman, and He will only take and use what I give to Him. So, if I set limits on myself, I set limits on what He is able to accomplish through me. And that’s a serious no-no, but one that I make over and over. 

Don’t let your perceptions of your limitations limit what God can do in you and through you. Abandon yourself to Him. Toss away your limits. Your God is limitless. Do you think He made you to be limited? To be kept in a box? Quit being your own hinderance. Keep dreaming, because the One who gives you dreams is the One Who will give you all that you need to see it become your reality. 

Represent.

I was 4 years old when I first discovered my mother’s tube of lipstick. It was on the bathroom counter, and being 4, the top of the counter was just about eye level, so it was just within my reach. I grabbed it. It fit perfectly in my hand, like one of those jumbo crayons. I took off the lid and was intrigued by the fierce shade of redish pink that protruded from one end. I had seen my mom use it on her face, so naturally I wanted to see how it would look on my arm. So, I drew a thick redish pink line on my arm. As if that wasn’t enough, I had to test out the lipstick on my leg, again, drawing another thick redish pink line. The real trouble started when I noticed the white wall behind me. Oh, I had so much fun. By the time my mom found me, I had an entire section of the wall covered with random lines and circle, attempted stick figures, if you will. Needless to say, my mom wasn’t happy. And yes, I got a spanking.

You’d think I would have learned my lesson...but here I am...16 years later. A few weeks ago, a thought kept popping into my head. It was a portion of the song “Beautiful Things” by Gungor. I felt like I needed to write it down, in a spot where I would see it often. Hence, the reason why “You make beautiful things” is written on the wall next to my bed in my dorm room. I read it every morning. It surprises me how a simple 4-word sentence could have so much meaning and could speak to me in so many different ways. And others have seen it, too. In fact, most of the people who come into my room notice the small square of white wall that’s marked by pencil scratchings. 

I guess you could say that life is like a big blank canvas...or a wall. When people look at you, they see your wall. You carry it with you. Your wall gives you away; it tells who you really are. Its a true, unbiased reflection of your character. What do people see when they look at you? So many different things affect the wall, some big, some small. But I don’t think we realize how much we’re affected by certain things. It’s so easy to build up a tolerance to things. Some people call it becoming ‘desensitized'. I like to call it a slow compromise.

“Brothers, whatever things are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report; if there be any virtue or praise, think on these things.” ~Philippians 4:8

What are you representing?

Apply this verse into your life. Memorize it. Choose to represent Jesus Christ. He’s the only thing that matters! We get so caught up in trying to represent ourselves that we forget the reason that we’re here. Represent Christ, and He’ll be ALL the representation you’ll ever need.

What’s being written on your wall? 

Ephesians 2:1-10

Have you ever felt inadequate? Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you tried, you could never measure up to current expectations? You could never meet the standard? I know I sure have. It’s a feeling most unsettling. It feels like every move you make is dripping in utter disappointment. And you start to view yourself as a failure. You begin to think “Why would God love me? Can’t He see what I’ve done? It’s hopeless. I’m hopeless.” And you  know what? You’re right. On your own, you can’t do anything. 

But that’s the beauty of grace! It doesn’t matter that we aren’t perfect! God’s grace isn’t dependent upon what we do or what we don’t do. The whole beginning of the 2nd chapter of Ephesians is about us being dead and full of sin, but that while we were still dead, He gave us life! Look at verse 5: “It is only by God’s special favor that you have been saved.” Yes, God knows who you are and who’ve you been. He knows ALL of the things that you’ve done and ever will do. YET HE STILL LOVES YOU!!! His love never changes. 

Paul goes further to say in verses 8-9: “God saved you by his special favor when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast.” Hmmm...See? You can’t do anything. Your salvation isn’t a result of how good you are or how many times you pray or how you helped that old lady across the street. God gives His grace freely, unrestricted.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the routine of Christianity. It’s so easy to get distracted and eventually fall into the mentality of “grace by works.” Think about the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10). Martha was so concerned with the details that she missed out on the relationship with Jesus. Don’t you see? God doesn’t want you to follow a list of things that you “have” do to for Him because it’s not about your good works; He wants to have a relationship with you. He is after your heart. 

Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s masterpiece.” You are valuable! God favors you!! He delights in you! And He wants to pour into your life and satisfy your every desire. Abide in His presence and let Him show you Who He really is! This life is not about us. It’s not about what we can get out of God. It’s about God’s uninhibited grace and extravagant love! It’s only through the grace and love of God that we find our worth. 

"All you need is love...Do Do do-do-do"

Yes. It’s true. I’m a sucker for romance. To clarify, I hate the romance in movies that is so fake and far fetched and has the same plot and the ending that is so routine. In fact, I prefer real-life romance. My grandparents portray this like no other. They have been married for 51 years, but by the way they gaze into each other’s eyes, you’d think that they were seeing each other for the first time. Their story isn’t all that impressive, in fact, it’s very similar to so many cliched movies: college cheerleader falls in love with college football player, they get married, and they live happily ever after. Are they happy? Yes. Was it always happy? No. They’ve had more hardships than I could possibly know or understand. They take it one day at a time, hardship and happiness. But they’re taking it for “ever after”.

Over Christmas break, my grandma started asking me so many questions about school and life and the life-long friends that I’m making. Her favorite question to ask me was “So, do you have a boyfriend?” She asked me that question at least 4 times, and when I said no, for the 4th time, she rephrased it and asked “Are you meeting a lot of nice young men?” and yet again, “Do you have anyone that you are interested in?” My grandma isn’t one to pry into my love life, or lack thereof, so I was kinda taken aback by her questions. I’ve never heard these inquiries come from her mouth. I think that as I am her eldest granddaughter and I have yet to actually “date” someone, she’s getting a little concerned.

I don’t know what it’s like to “fall in love”. For that matter, I don’t know what it’s like to be “in a relationship”. It’s not that I don’t want a relationship, because I really really do. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a relationship so badly. I long for that companionship and commitment. I don’t feel that I need a man to “fulfill” me, as I know who I am through Jesus Christ and all that I am is fulfilled in Him, by Him, and for Him.

My relationship with Jesus Christ is the most important thing to me. It’s the #1 thing in my life. It IS my life. And you know what? I’m satisfied. God’s love is enough for me. Yes, I want to get married. Yes, I want to work with my husband, side-by-side in the purpose for which God has prepared us. And someday, I will meet him. But my relationship with Christ won’t ever change. No relationship will ever compare to ours. Song of Solomon 6:3 “I am my beloveds and he is mine.”

God is protecting my heart. He is holding it unto Himself. He is a jealous God. He is jealous for me. If only I could be as jealous for Him as He is for me. Revelations 2:4 says “yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken the love you had at first.” God, if I have ever forsaken You, forgive me! You are my first Love. No one else can love You like I love You. I won’t love anyone else as much as I love You. I can’t. Hold me. Protect me.

My desire for a relationship grows with each passing day, but at the same time, my love for God grows and my commitment to Him grows stronger, and His love and peace give me the patience to wait and to trust. In everything, God first.

Matthew 6:33 “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.”

No worries, Grandma. I’ll get my “ever after” soon enough :)

One piece at a time

Snow days. My school has had 4 consecutive snow days. The first couple of days were really exciting and the break was much needed. But days 3 and 4? I started getting a little bored. During the 3rd day, I broke out some puzzles, which everyone seemed to enjoy...well...most everyone. You occasionally run into those people who don’t like puzzles. And I completely understand that. Sometimes they are really difficult and yes, even the people that love them can get sick of them. Puzzles are not for the faint of heart. Mark my words.

Why do I love puzzles? I guess its the challenge of it all. Its kinda suspenseful in a way, like you know the goal or the final outcome, but the whole process of getting the picture put together is rather intriguing. And it might get frustrating. I try so many different combinations that give the false appearance of a perfect fit. Some pieces I try 57 times before I find its proper location. And then I lose a puzzle piece and I can’t even finish the puzzle because that one piece has the power to ruin the entire project. Putting together a puzzle isn’t easy. It’s difficult. I mean, if it was easy, where would the challenge be? Where is the intrigue? No, they’re hard and they take time. But the feeling I get when I know that I completed the puzzle, when I see for myself the beautiful masterpiece that was once just a pile of oddly shaped cardboard, for a split second, I feel like I’ve conquered the world.

My life is a puzzle. I have an idea of what the puzzle is supposed to look like, but I don’t have the entire picture. Only God does. I have some of the pieces, but I don’t have all of them. Only God does. And slowly, yet steadily, He gives me pieces of the puzzle, and slowly, and not-so-steadily, the pieces find their place. And slowly, things start to make sense and the picture begins to form.

And you know what? That’s ok. It’s ok not to know the whole picture. People have this idea that you must know everything now so that you can prepare for your future, and that’s great; preparation is good. But how do you know your future? How do you know exactly what you’re going to be doing 13 years from now? James 4:14 declares that you can’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow. You have to trust God. God knows the story. God knows your story. He is the Author of your book and the Painter of the picture on your puzzle.

I don’t know everything there is to know about my purpose, but I know without a doubt that I have a purpose. I have a future. Someday, it will be clear to me. Someday, I’ll be able to look back and make sense of what God was doing and why I went through certain times of testing. Someday, I’ll understand the purpose for which God was preparing me. But that’s all someday. When is that? I don’t know. But right now, all I can do is trust God and take it one piece at a time.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

Puzzles and Life. They’re the same.

The only difference is that God doesn’t lose any of the pieces.