"it's not time."

I’m a senior. In college. what?

In exactly 6 short months from tomorrow (ha), I’ll be walking across the platform in front of my classmates, closest friends, and family. What a crazy thought. Can you imagine? Me: a college graduate. wow. 

It’s funny (but not really) how different my life is at this point from what I had always imagined. I never thought I would live in Gabrielle my senior year. I never dreamed of getting a degree in accounting, or anything related to business. I thought I would have gone on a missions trip by now. I thought I would be engaged by now, or dating someone seriously, at the very least. ha...that hasn’t happened. I’ve been single for...well, let’s see....uh...yeah, goin’ on 22 years now. Yep.

Through some of the books that I’ve been reading for my senior paper class, I’ve been forced to ask myself what I want out of life. Of course, I’ve always had dreams, but this is the time when those distant fantasies could possibly be within reach. Though some of my passions or dreams have changed over the years, there are three that have continued to grow with intensity: getting married, worship, and missions or some type of ministry. 

Side note: All three of these passions are interconnected. My desire is to do worship and missions with my husband. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a husband and wife that lead worship together.  

For years now, actually since I was 10 and told my parents that I wanted to be a missionary, when anyone mentions anything about missions, I get really excited and my spirit begins to churn. I have always wanted to be apart of missions and take the Gospel where it’s never been. In chapel a few weeks back, there was a lot of talk about missions and I got really really excited. I had been praying about going on a mission trip with my school this summer. I remember just sitting there thinking that maybe this was the year that I would be released to go. And that’s when I heard God speak to me.

“It’s not time.” 

Dang. I feel like these words are the 3 worst words to ever hear. Sometimes, a “no” from God is much easier to swallow than a “not yet”. It’s like a 3 year old little kid and Christmas. You know those awful aunts who send the Christmas present weeks or months in advance and the tag says “Don’t open until Christmas.” A 3 year old doesn’t have a concept of time. 2 weeks feels like 14 years and 2 weeks. In my mind, it would almost be better to not have a gift at all. 

I’m that 3 year old. And it’s so hard. Especially since I’m almost out of school and I want so badly to know what God has for me. I feel like I have 1/7th of a map and I’m expected to figure out where I’m going. I feel lost. But just the other day, right when I was struggling with making decisions, God spoke to me something so simple. “I have found you.” My immediate reaction was well duh, but it sunk much deeper. Now matter how lost I feel, God has never lost me. He has never misplaced a single thing in my life. He hasn’t lost my purpose. And it went even further...maybe it’s not my job to figure out where my life is going. Maybe my job is to trust Him and patiently wait for His timing.

Proverbs 16:9 “We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”

So, I just wanted to take a moment to encourage you. None of us have life planned out. None of us have the whole map. You’re not alone. You aren’t lost. God has found you! Trust Him with the “not yet”. Keep holding onto Him and seeking Him above everything else and know that He has never let go of you. Trust Him. His timing is perfect...and so are His gifts. Part of the adventure is the excitement and anticipation of what the gift holds inside. 

Keep waiting for Him...because Christmas is right around the corner :)