senseless love.

I love boxes. In fact, I love any sort of organizational instrument that helps keep my life appear less cluttered. I have a compartment for everything: responsibilities, my job, friends and relationships, dreams, today, Jesus, etc. I guess I like being able to label where things go by category and how they work. Some are categorized by order of importance or by how much time is involved. Once things are where I want them, I close the lid and place the box on my shelf, until one of the contents is needed.

The more I read my Bible, the more I realize that I don’t know Who God is. I think I do, but when it comes down to it, the cold hard truth is that I have put God in my little box of pre-determined ideas. Like, I want to know God, but only to the extent and context of what I already believe. I know that God is Love, so I slap a label on Him and tuck Him away, never really allowing myself to experience and explore the depths of His un-quenching passion and love for me, simply because I feel content just to know. 

God isn’t meant to be kept in a box, yet He is willing to stay. This is something else that I don’t understand. God is all-powerful; the heavens tremble when He speaks. He is Creator; I am here and have life simply because He spoke. He holds the balance of life and death in the palm of His hand. He could easily speak a flame-thrower into existence and melt down the sides of the box, or maybe just teleport out of it, or use some sort of forcefield. But He doesn’t. He desires my heart so much that He is willing to humble Himself and sit in my box until I’m ready to open it. Who does that?

I asked some friends of mine how they would describe God’s love using only one word. They came up with a whole bunch of great descriptions: ”powerful”, ”fierce”, ”passionate” but the only thing that I can think of is “senseless”. There is no reason why God should love me, why He should pursue me. It doesn’t make sense that He would die for me even before He knew my love. It’s beyond what I am able to comprehend in my logical, natural thought. In fact, it’s totally absurd.

~Ephesians 3:18,19~

“And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to fully understand.”

~Romans 5:8~

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

I’m tired of being content (a.k.a. complacent) with this kind of relationship. I want to have the same kind of senseless love for God that He has for me. 

The lid is off. God, I’m not afraid to love You. I don’t want to just know that You love me, though I am thankful for the knowledge. But I want to experience Your love to the fullest extent that I can handle. Tear down my ideas, my limitations, my pre-conceived notions of Who You are. Reveal Yourself to me. Shatter the box.  

trust issues and directionally challenged-ness

“There are so many times when I feel absolutely...useless. Tonight is one of those nights. You know when you sit around wondering what life might be like if you [insert something awesome here]? Like, what would I be doing if I wasn’t in school right now? Well, I would still be in my hometown, probably working with the youth there. In fact, I would be a “youth pastor” of sorts, leading worship and having some sort of ministry to help young ladies find their identity in Christ. I would have gone to Germany or Switzerland for 6 months with YWAM (Youth With A Mission). I would have witnessed to someone and discipled them. These are the opportunities that I gave up to pursue an eduction. Why am I here? 

I really hate the “What if..?” question. Frankly, I hate the unknown. I like to be in the know. I search until I find answers. But sometimes, the answers aren’t supposed to be found, at least, not right when I want them. And that really frustrates me. I like to have things figured out. I enjoying planning how things are supposed to work. 

Why am I here? I know that I only have bits and pieces of God’s plan for my life, but this has got to be quite the puzzle! 150,000 pieces at least! I feel like nothing makes sense. I have puzzle pieces with a redish tint on them and then I have some with blues and purples and others that are just plain white. What’s going on, God? Where does it all fit? Why do I have such a passion for the brokenhearted? Where does my heart for young women fit in with accounting? When will I have time to write my books and my music? When do I get to move to Africa?

Nothing makes sense, God.” 

I wrote this rant based on a war that was raging inside of me just this past week. At church this morning, the pastor didn’t really have a sermon; in fact, he spoke about his life story and how he got to be where he is today. He talked about how sometimes we can’t see the road ahead of us, we have pieces of information, but not the whole picture. He talked about how he got a business degree from the very school that I attend, and then God gave him a passion to bring healing to broken people and led him to a degree in counseling and other theological studies. He shared about how he questioned God and His direction and wondered why God let him get a business degree when he would be pastoring and counseling. But God has used everything that man has been through, every experience, every passion and gift.

Then, the pastor looked out over the crowd and said “God has you where He wants you. You are where you are so that you can grow and develop the character that He wants you to have. Everything will come together. God will use what you have experienced and will place right where He wants you. Continue to trust God.”

I’ve never been more grateful to hear a message than I was today. I knew that this message was for me. As a current business major, his story brought so much comfort to me. My heart rejoiced and it’s like, for the first time I realized that God knows what He is doing with me. I’ve heard this many many times and I thought I believed it, but today, it hit home. I was reminded that this “plan” that I’m following isn’t even mine to begin with, it’s God’s. Every passion that I have is based out of the passionate heart of the Father, MY Father. Why should I worry that these passions, HIS passions, aren’t gonna line up? It IS possible for everything to fall into place! God is...well, GOD! I almost started crying right there in the middle of the service because of the peace and the joy that overwhelmed me. I do trust God with my life and my future. I gave Him my heart 17 years ago (as of 3 days ago) and He’s held it securely. God is faithful and that is the promise upon which I will continue to stand. 

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” ~Psalm 27:13,14

There was something else that God brought to my attention today, something that I haven’t thought about in years. I was at a conference several years ago and the speaker said something very simple, yet profound. He was talking about serving God wholeheartedly. He said, “Be willing to do anything, but obedient to do everything.” As of January 22nd, 2012, this became my life motto. I don’t ever want to miss God or miss out on something that He has for me. I don’t ever want to step out His will for my life. I want to be so in tune with God that I don’t miss a single whisper of His heart. 

“He Who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” ~Philippians 1:6

I know that I talk about life plans and goals and trusting God a lot, but that’s one of the major things with which I struggle and I need a constant reminder. And I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in this. I haven’t found many people who are willing to open up about the unknown in there lives. There’s a war still raging inside of me. So, I will continue to talk about my trust issues and my directionally challenged-ness. Feel free to comment or subscribe or even unsubscribe, I don’t care what you do. But I can promise you one thing...this is gonna be a bumpy ride. You up for it? :)

prepare for the mission

Being that I am a 21 year old female, raised in a Charismatic Christian home and currently attending a Christian university, the fact that I have never gone on a mission trip might be a surprising discovery. It’s not that I am against foreign missions or have never been interested...missions are at the heart of who I am. I am just awaiting the appropriate time for me to go. I’ve heard it said many times that young people just need to go on a mission trip and become aware of other surroundings and circumstances, living conditions, religions, and brokenness. But in my opinion, don’t go if your heart’s not in it or if your heart’s not where it should be. I’m not gonna go on missions just so I can say I’ve been. I will go, but God hasn’t given me to “go-ahead” yet. I am still in the preparing stage. 

I’ve talked with several people who have been involved with mission trips and heard the extraordinary tales of how God worked and moved. It’s so incredible to hear of the ways that God showed up. In some cases, the team saw lots of spiritual manifestations and many miraculous signs and wonders. Most of them made a difference in the community in which they ministered. Lives were changed. The people received a glimpse of the hope they have so desired. 

Weeks of preparation go into getting ready for a mission trip, and seeing as I have never gone, I am unaware of the actual amount of preparation needed. I know for a fact that hours and hours of prayer are spent each day, faces to the ground, crying out for the deliverance and salvation of the country at hand. Every spare moment is spent basking in God’s presence and seeking revelation. 

But I can’t help but question...why is this kind of preparation only important for mission trips? If we truly are “in the world, not of it” (John 15:19), shouldn’t we be spending every waking moment at the feet of Jesus, ready for service? Why don’t we see the remarkable acts of God in our nation? Why is it surprising to hear that someone saw an angel in Puerto Rico? Or that someone was raised from the dead in Djioubti? Why is that unusual? 

It shouldn’t be unusual, but it is. We don’t see signs and wonders in the same way that we don’t see any of the Gifts operating in todays churches. What’s happened to prophecy? It’s not dead, but we’ve certainly wrapped it in burial clothes. What about healing? Miraculous power? Tongues and it’s interpretation?  

I want to see these things happen here, NOW, at my home, in my church, on my campus, IN MY LIFE. I want to see God move! And better yet, God WANTS to move! He’s longing to do the impossible in YOUR life. He’s waiting for the moment when He can reveal Himself in ways that we’ve never seen. PRAY! Call on the name of the Lord! Spend hours in His presence. Seek His face on behalf of YOUR nation!

Please understand that I am not dissing, or belittling, missions trips. I am continually realizing the rising desperation for prayer for the salvation of other countries. I know that there is a need. I stated earlier that I am longing to go. I’m just asking ”what if...?” I’m asking that you consider the spiritual state of your own country, of the broken people around you. I’m urging you to pray.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and I will heal their land.” II Chronicles 7:14

God, you know my heart. You know that I am willing to go wherever you send me, to the ends of the earth or around the corner. Let your will be done in my life. I am Yours, no matter what. Don’t give up on my nation. Bring her back to You.

make up your mind, little one...not your face.

Today, I had the privilege of taking my little sister to her basketball tournament that was 1 1/2 hours away. It wasn’t a bad day if you don’t mind being stuck in an echo-y dark gym, surrounded by hyper 6th graders and cheering moms that are overly involved in a game in which the sum of the total points is less than 30. And to think that I have the joy of experiencing all of this again tomorrow as my sister’s team plays for 3rd place. All joking aside, my sister is quite good...takes after me :)

Something that I saw at these games made me sick. A vast majority of these little girls were wearing tons of make up. First of all, it’s a basketball game, and I’ve never understood why people cake on the make up if they’re just going to sweat it all off anyway. Secondly, they’re 6th graders!!! Why are these little precious girls, these 11 and 12 year old girls, wearing make up?? They don’t even have pimples yet!

These innocent little girls are growing up in a much harsher society than I did. “If you don’t look a certain way, you’re not pretty. If you don’t act a certain way, you’re not accepted. If you can’t do anything for me, you’re not worth my time.” Basically, if you don’t measure up to someone else’s definition of perfection, you are an outcast. 

Now, maybe this was the same mindset that people had when I was young, but I certainly can’t recall. I don’t remember feeling like I had to be fake to win friends. I didn’t start wearing make up until I was at least 15 years old; I never thought I needed it. Even now, at 21, I still don’t wear that much make up. I’m not saying that I’m flawless, because everyone knows that I’m not. I’m fat and I still get pimples. I still struggle with insecurities. In fact, everyday, when I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror and say “Stephanie, you are beautiful.” Most days I have to say it over and over before I start believing it. 

The point is that these 11 year old gems should still believe that they are princesses and dream of fairytales, not be concerned with their physical appearance. If this is starting at 11, what happens at 13 when make up no longer makes the cut? 15? 

2 things are coming to my mind right now. 1) I’m so thankful that I had parents that complimented me and took time to hold me and tell me how valuable I am. I’m so blessed that I had a father that took time for me and dared me to dream. Where would I be today if I hadn’t had that affirmation at home? And 2) I’m so thankful that I have a Father in Heaven Who smiles when He looks at me. I’m so blessed that I have a personal relationship with the Creator of the universe, the very same Creator that designed every sunset, every single snowflake, and ME. Where would I be if my identity wasn’t found in Christ? 

Moms, dads, big brothers, big sisters: take your little sister/brother into your arms and tell them how beautiful/handsome they are, that they are flawless the way they are, affirm and encourage them. They are dealing with so much pressure to look and act a certain way. Society is influencing little girls and shaping their thoughts as to what beauty is and it’s YOUR job to tell your little person what TRUE beauty is and from where, or Who, it comes. And above all, tell them that their identity is found in Christ and in Christ alone. 

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.”

~Psalm 139:13-14

We can’t overlook the little people anymore. 

if the door isn't supposed to open...why is there a doorknob?

You know, it’s so easy for me to write about God’s goodness when I’m in the middle of it. And talking about trusting God is great when life is easy, but when it’s hard, I suddenly lose my words. It becomes difficult, but sometimes, you just need to talk about it, even if it doesn't sound right.

Today, I got a letter in the mail from one of the corporations with which I interviewed for a summer accounting internship. Needless to say, I didn’t get the position and I’m not a happy camper. This is the 3rd intern position from which I have been denied access. I am not upset or hurt, just plain angry. I can’t understand why I’m not getting anything. I have a strong resume, lots of work experience, a well developed work ethic, and I have worked my butt off for my GPA. I am not a cocky or conceited person, but, due to God’s blessings and my upbringing, it’s easy to see that I am well qualified. 

God, what’s the deal? 

Something like this happened my freshman year in college. I saw college as the “land of opportunity”, which it is, but God-given opportunities have a specific time, place, and reason. College had many of the things that my heart has desired for so long: worship missions, music groups, and lots of leadership positions. I tried out/auditioned/applied for everything...and I didn’t get placed in any of them. I was heartbroken. Why would God flash so many opportunities in front of my face just to let them vanish when I blinked? I couldn’t understand what God was doing. At the same time, God gave me a picture, but of course, I had no idea what it meant. 

This was the picture: I was at a party or reception of some kind. A very classy reception. All the guys were wearing tuxedoes and the girls were wearing formal gowns. I was standing all by myself near a table at the back of the room. My dad (which wasn’t really my dad, but in the picture, he was) was off talking with some handsome young man. They both started walking over to me and once my father was standing to my left, and said “Here, let me introduce you to my daughter.” and he gently ushered the young man to stand directly in front of me. End of picture.

I thought that this picture meant that I was getting a boyfriend, but I was wrong. It wasn’t until March that the meaning became apparent and I will never forget the feeling that came over me. I had just finished having an evening out with my parents. My dad dropped my mom off at the hotel and then took me back to the dorm. I was sitting in my dad’s car in lower lot, crying, talking about all that was going on in my life and I randomly told my dad about the picture. As soon as I finished telling him, it clicked. 

God is faithful. I love that sometimes He recalls to my mind something that He’s done or said earlier in my life. 

God was telling me that I needed to wait until He introduced me to what He wants me to do, and it’s still true for today. He knows my heart and the dreams that He’s given me, but more importantly, He knows His plans for my life; they all will come together in His time. Is He telling me to sit still and do nothing? Of course not. God is bring it to me, but I still have to go to the party. I’m on the look out, watching for what God is going to do, listening for the invitation, searching for the opportunity that holds the introduction.  

This isn’t over. 

So, God, here I am again, without direction, without plans. Even though I don’t see what’s up ahead and I don’t know where You’re leading me, I choose to trust You. My life is in Your hands. Give me patience and peace in the midst of uncertainty. Prepare me for the introduction. 

don't stop believin'.

“I am an accounting major.” I still feel strange when these words flow from my mouth. Who would have thought? I sure didn’t. I can tell you one thing for certain, being an accountant definitely wasn’t on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. 

For this very reason, I still find myself questioning if this is the right direction for my life. I really struggle with this sometimes. Why wasn’t theology the right degree for me? Or writing/english? Or architecture? Or music and worship? These questions roll around in my head almost daily. “Have a made the right choice?” “God, is this really what you want me to do with my life?” 

These questions used to make me feel like I was faithless, a prisoner to uncertainty. But as I’m growing in my relationship with God and learning more of Who He is, I realize that He welcomes these questions with open arms. God would much rather have me ask Him daily if I was following His will for my life than if I just started walking aimlessly. Here’s some things that God has been helping me understand.

#1: Know your current location. How can you possibly know where you’re going if you don’t even know where you’re starting? Your current location should be founded in the will of God. Hide in God’s will! I’ve noticed that in my own life, I look for God’s will as it pertains to my own plans. This is so dangerous, because my search is bias to my desires, not God’s. Instead, I need to LOSE myself in His will, allowing God full and total control. God is limitless, so why do we constantly try to put Him in a box? God’s plans for your life are much higher than your own, so why try to put a limit on what God is able to do with/in/through your life?

#2: Follow the GPS. We don’t always know which direction God is drawing us, in fact, I’d go so far to say that this is true of most journeys. We don’t know the final destination, but the good news is, God does. This is where trusting Him comes in, which is much easier said than done. Every morning when I wake up, I have to start off the day with this reminder: “God, today I trust You.” Trust is taken a day at a time. You can’t rush trust; it takes time to develop. And who wants to develop that level of trust in you more than God Himself? Talk to Him about it. Tell Him you struggle, He already knows it anyway. But you know? God is faithful. God will give you direction in your journey. 

I close with this: you are not alone. We’re all out there, trying to make sense of the passions that God has given us. It’s okay to ask questions. It’s okay to seek council. It’s okay to miss a couple o’ turns and make some legal U-turns because God’s grace is unrestrained, His love, uninhibited. God created your journey, so let Him be your guide.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

~Be comforted: God’s plans for your life are much higher than your own~

let love be my message.

Today, I watched “The Adjustment Bureau” with some amazing girls on my floor and I absolutely loved it! What an interesting twist on love and God’s plan for our lives. 

However, this blog isn’t about the movie, but about something that I mentioned during the movie, though my outburst occurred because of a scene in the movie. After Matt Damon and Emily Blunt’s first kiss in the men’s bathroom, Damon and his friend were discussing it and Damon says that he didn’t kiss her, she definitely kissed him. And that’s when I yelled out at the screen “You definitely kissed her...you went the 90%!” and then later I said something about the 90-10 always working. And for those of you who aren’t picking up on the reference, it’s from “Hitch”.

Which is my point exactly! Everything that we know about love comes from media. Everything that we expect love to be is fashioned through screenplays and stereos. And I am no different. I talk with several girls about love, boys, and relationships, and in most cases, I can think of a movie scene, plot, or line that almost perfectly aligns with their situation. Having been single my entire life, expect for that one week in VBS when I was 5, I rely on information that others pass onto me...but what if my information is incorrect? 

Love isn’t just a movie script or song lyric. Love is not a pattern that you can just follow for every situation; love isn’t an equation that you just plug in the numbers and get the right outcome. Love is complex and, in most cases, irrational. Love isn’t sex. Sure, it’s called ‘making love’, but sex is not, in itself, LOVE, it’s an ACT of love, and I’m tired of the world telling me that if I’m not sleeping with him, then I don’t love him. BS! BS! BS! And the thought of the young ladies who have been bought with this slogan just shreds my heart into pieces. How will these ladies ever be able to receive Christ’s love if this is what they believe ‘love’ to be?

The truth is that we all just long to be loved. Jesus said that the 2 greatest commandments are to love the Lord with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. Love. (Matthew 22:37-39) We wanna be loved! We desire love so badly, that we’re willing to do just about anything to get it. It’s a hunger that everyone feels, though our appetites are different. Every person recognizes love in a different way. If you ask 10 people what they think love is in one sentence, I guarantee that you’ll get 10 completely different sentences. Ask me and I’ll tell you that I think love is knowing that you will never ever be alone. Even though I’m not in a romantic relationship, I don’t feel alone. I am perfectly content and satisfied in the love of Christ and I always will be. A man won’t define me or my love, only God does. My identity is in Christ and that is the message that I want to share with every girl that I meet. God, You are enough for me. 

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.  ~Mother Teresa

 We are not of this world...so let’s not be caught up in it :)

Love God, Love People. 

so, there's this guy...

We were 5 years old. We were at VBS at a local church. This boy and his posse of 2 hombres were sitting in the row behind me...and out of nowhere started poking me in the butt! Now, my father had previously instructed me that if a boy were to ever touch me in an inappropriate place, that I was to slap them across the face as hard as I could. Before you imagine what could possibly be the most hilarious “little kid romance” story ever...stop...I didn’t slap him. But I was really upset and told them to stop, but they wouldn’t, so I told the teacher, she told their parents, and the poking ceased. At the end of the day, the ringleader, who’s name was Matt, I later discovered, came up to me and said “Hi, I’m sorry for what I did, but I only did it because I liked you. Here’s my picture and $2. Will you be my girlfriend?”

For the rest of that week, Matt and I did everything together...prayed, ran around outside, did arts & crafts, etc. He even ate a bug for me. He was my first boyfriend. And for those of you that are wondering...yes...I STILL have his picture :)

[SKIP TO AFTER SENIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL...BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING WORTH REPORTING...BECAUSE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED...EVER.]

So, I met this guy my freshmen year in college and I was immediately attracted to him, not necessarily because of the way he looked, though he wasn’t too shabby, but because of the way he carried himself and treated others. He is one of those guys that everyone knows and if you asked anyone about him they always applauded his character. I liked him, I really did, but if anyone asked me about it, I would have denied that. He was just really chill and cool and I totally felt comfortable being myself around him. My sophomore year I decided that I didn’t want to like him anymore, and I’m not really sure why either. Key phrase here is “didn’t WANT to like him...” for I knew that I did. I couldn’t help but like him. I started praying that God would help me to stop liking him. I begged God to take away the attraction that I felt towards him. (haha I feel like I’m making myself sound retarded...)

Now, it’s junior year...and I realized something. I don’t really want to lose that attraction for him...because I’m not attracted to HIM, pre-say, but to certain qualities that he possesses. I WANT to be attracted to those qualities. God made me to desire those qualities, and I don’t need to pray for God to diminish them. I need to thank God for those qualities and praise Him for giving me a heart that desires those qualities. What I need to do is allow Him to bury me in His presence. What better place to be then in His presence? And what am I afraid of? If I’ve given my heart to God, then He won’t let me give it away easily. 

Guard my heart, God.

My advice to you? Ha!...I have no advice. I make it up as I go along, taking each new day as it comes, savoring each morsel of wisdom God decides to give me in the moment. I guess my advice would be to #1 be yourself...because you’re beautiful! Don’t ever sacrifice who you are for some dude. If he can’t accept you for who you are, he don’t deserve you, and he will have to deal with God, because you are fearfully and wonderfully made and God inscribed HIMSELF on your life! “Let me assure you...it’s not me, it’s you.” #2 Don’t take yourself too seriously. C’mon, person reading this! Learn to laugh! We ALL do stupid things...EVERYONE has tripped up the stairs at some point in they lives...just throw yo head back and partake in a nice, long, hearty chuckle. Have fun! And #3 “Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteous, and everything else will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33) That’s His promise to us! Be faithful to God for He IS faithful to you. Even when it seems that life is so messed up and your emotions are on a roller coaster and you can’t find which way is up...God has a plan and He knows how to make sense of it all. Keep trusting Him.

So, this is me...almost 21...and I’m still trying to figure out this whole “being a girl” thing. 

you’re not alone :)

from failure to L-O-V-E.

Wow. Tomorrow, I start my junior year of college. When did that happen?? Wasn’t my 16th birthday like...yesterday? Where has all of the time gone?

In moments like these, I start to wonder what I’m doing with my life. And to be honest, most of the time I consider myself a failure. I haven’t done half of the things that I’ve wanted to do by this time: I’m still single, I’ve never been clubbing (‘tis true), I’ve never gone over 100 mph, and I really don’t think I’ve ever led anyone to the Lord. Them words here spell out ‘failure’, in the truest sense of the word. I’ve missed several opportunities; I’ve wasted time; I haven’t cared. My only thought now is...is it too late?

I can’t live by my own expectations. Clearly, I fail at my own plans. All I can do is wake up every morning and decide to trust God. What else is there? I’m so small and He is soooo BIG. And He loves me...little ol’ me. He is constantly reminding me that no matter what I do, He won’t love me any more or any less. He can’t! He just loves me! And you know what baffles me about His love? He doesn’t expect anything in return. Think about it. In I John 4:19, it says “We love because He FIRST loved us...” and Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus chose me before He knew of my love. It’s crazy!

I didn’t intend this post to be about love, but clearly it has changed courses from ‘imma failure’ to ‘Jesus loves me’. Why? Well, frankly, because God doesn’t see my failure, He sees my potential. He sees everything in my life that is sinful and hidden, and says...”I can work with that. Trust Me.” 

God has been showing me lately how much He hates it when I cast judgment on myself, when I rag on myself for what I have/haven’t done. Judgment doesn’t build me up or make me a better person...no, it just cuts me down and makes me wanna give up. And that’s not what He wants for me. He encourages me daily through simple things, maybe through the crisp sunlight or maybe through one of my friends. God wants me to place my insecurities in Him...in Security Itself. If He is my foundation, why do I doubt? Why do I worry?

In closing, I guess what I’m rambling about is to not look at what you consider failure, but instead look to Christ. Ask Him to show you what He’s doing in your life and the ways that He is using you even now. And lastly, let Him love on you...it’s what He does best :) 

the watery, slightly alkaline and saline secretion.

...also known as, tears. When you think about it this way, tears seem more important, or even more profound, than ‘salt water’. I always wonder what would happen if tears were sweet, instead of salty. Or like, you know how people say that there are ‘tears of joy’? Why can’t the joyful tears be sweet and all of the other ones be salty?...I guess that joyful tears would be very sticky...like cotton candy. And I would hate to have cotton candy stuck on my face. Gross. I think I’ll just stick to salt water.

Sweet, salty, sour, tasteless, strawberry, or whatever flavor your’s might be...tears have always been somewhat of a threat to me. It’s something that I don’t really understand about myself because I love relationships, I love being close to people and reaching a ‘deeper level’...but even my closest friends haven’t seen my tears. I won’t let them. I do everything in my power to keep myself from showing that level of vulnerability, and I’m really not sure why I do it. Like most people, if not everyone, I’ve been hurt in the past, but I really don’t think that it has something to do with this. 

But just because I don’t let others see me cry doesn’t mean that I don’t. I do! I cry all the time! Certain movies make me cry...and not because of some super romantic scene, but rather a scene where the person is overcoming impossible obstacles, like being able to forgive the person who hurt them the most or learning how to cope with new challenges. I find the urge to cry during sermons that are speaking directly to me, and especially the sermons that echo my own heart for people, for restoration, for healing. I want to cry when I hear stories of the terrible struggles and pain that people have been through, but can then stand and proclaim God’s goodness and salvation. Those are the things that get me. If people could see how much I cried, they would probably consider me emotional, which I can assure, I am...but I’m not controlled by my emotions. 

Today, it kinda hit me that maybe God made me sensitivity for a reason, in fact, I know He did. God’s given me a lot of compassion for others and a desire to see them find freedom in Christ Jesus. Lately, I’ve been praying/crying for the girls on my campus that are broken and wounded. They have my heart. And I love the heart that God has given me, but I hate the crying part. And you know...it’s okay if others don’t see me cry...as long as I have not taken it so far that I am living in disobedience to God’s direct Word. And I know I have. I can think of many examples when I kept my mouth shut when God wanted me to speak to certain individuals. I can comfort others just fine, as long as it’s on the surface. I don’t like to pry into people’s lives...you won’t find me asking the real questions or addressing the real problem. I don’t cry with people.

...until today. 

For the past few years, God has been taking me on a journey to discover who I am in Him and who He has called me to be. It’s been a long process and through it, I’ve become more real with others about where I am in life, what I’m feeling, my struggles. God keeps reminding me how far I’ve come and encouraging me to keep trusting Him. One thing that I’ve noticed about God is how gently He deals with the matters of my heart, one thing at a time. Recently, He’s been showing me one more thing. A big thing. God basically showed me that my unwillingness to embrace that form of vulnerability (crying with/around other humans) was actually a mask. I have never wanted people to see me when I myself am broken, so I’ve silenced it. I’ve always wanted to be the person that was put together and had such wisdom and insight, but God is slowly shattering my deceptive disguise and revealing His perfect peace, His gentle touch, intimacy on a level that I have never before experienced. Simplicity. And it’s beautiful. 

Today, I started to ask God to take away the whole ‘emotional’ thing, but I had to stop midprayer. God doesn’t desire to make me feel uncomfortable or to become an emotional wreck, but to see freedom take full reign in my life. This is good for me! This is good for others. Maybe girls need to see someone cry for them, someone who believes so strongly for their healing, someone who isn’t afraid of being seen at their most vulnerable point. 

“Cry for Me.”

Instead, I prayed for the boldness to cry whenever and wherever for whatever God would put on my heart to cry for. Something new is happening in my life, and I’m just here, trusting God every step of the way. 

“Allow Me to show others what I see in you.”

~God