Sunset Secrets

One of my favorite things is the sunset. At home, I always go outside and just watch. It’s my get-away, my safe place, my moment with God. This last time was no different. I stepped outside and onto the back porch...only to find my 13 year old sister sitting on the wooden railing with one leg dangling down and the other clutched so close that she could easily rest her chin on her knee. I’d never seen her watch the sunset before, partially because she would never sit still long enough. But nevertheless, I decided to observe her. She was so peaceful; her eyes were filled with wonder as she watched the rainbow of fire dancing before her. I guess I made a sound because she suddenly turned back and saw me staring at her. She acted startled and embarrassed, almost like she was found where she wasn’t supposed to be.

“What are you doing out here?” I inquired with a slight smile.

She looked down at the ground and answered hesitantly, “Sometimes, I just need a break and a chance to get away from everything. I like the quiet.” After a pause, she sighed and turned her gaze toward the sunset as she continued. “God meets me out here, Steph. I can feel His presence. He’s speaking to me and He’s so beautiful. And then I think of all the other people, seeing the same thing that I’m seeing, and I just don’t get how they can look at this and still say ‘There is no God’.”

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I wasn’t expecting such a wise statement from my little sister. It hit me a few days ago that my sister is daily experiencing what the entire world is in search of....the presence of God and the “secret place”. I’m not talking about a “spiritual high”, though there are those times after you’ve been in God’s presence and you just can’t operate or think clearly...but I like to call them a “Holy hangover”.

But that’s not why we desperately thirst after His presence. That’s not the reason that we seek Him. We seek Him because we desire communion and relationship with Him. We long to be in His presence. We want to hear His voice. Psalm 91:1 says “He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.” It’s about the secret place. It’s about completely abandoning yourself to God and allowing Him to move freely. Smith Wigglesworth said that ”there is a place where you take hold of God, but there is a better place where God takes hold of you.” Only God can take you there. The “secret place” is God’s gift to us, a place of total freedom and intimacy. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

I’ve been there. And my heart’s greatest desire is that others would experience His presence in this way. I know that it sounds trippy, but it’s not. Many experience the presence of God, but few experience the “secret place”. It says in 2 Corinthians 3:17 that “where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Some things only God can show you. There is a freedom that is yet to be known and yet to be experienced. God, I want that freedom! I want to see the world walk in intimacy with You.

“Take me to that place, Lord, to that secret place where I can be with You and You can make me like You. Wrap me in Your arms. Wrap me in Your arms. Wrap me in Your arms.”

"Delight in Me."

The story of Mary and Martha has always stood out to me. I guess you could say that it’s one of my favorite passages in the Bible. In the past, I have used the story to illustrate how the church has become more like Martha, too busy with the details to experience the presence of God. I still feel that way, but today, God hit me with a new thought. He introduced the aspect of my own humility, or lack thereof, which produced a whole new line of thinking.

I am more like Martha than I would like to admit. Martha and I are the same in our desire for perfection. I am actively pursuing perfection. I have this mentality that everything must be perfect in my life before God will move...meaning, that, spiritually, I need to reach that spot or depth in God that I had at one time possessed. And I know that this is something that everyone has struggled with, but I guess I’ve just now realized that it’s something that I struggle with.

But it’s not about seeking after perfection; it’s about seeking His presence. On my own, I can’t do anything. I can’t make myself better. I can’t save myself. God’s presence is what heals me. I will admit that I’ve become legalistic, setting out to follow a set of rules, instead of letting God meet me where I am and having a real relationship with Him. It’s hard for me to ask to for help. It’s difficult to admit when something is too great for me to handle. But if I could just learn to humble myself in the presence of God, He can fix me. God is the only Being who doesn’t expect me to do things on my own. I need to learn to let go, to throw my hands up and say “I can’t do this. I messed up. Will You pick me up?”

In Luke 10:42, Jesus said that “there is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

God, teach me how to delight in You.

Shatter my box.

God, sometimes I don’t understand why I do some of the things I do, or say some of the things that pop out my mouth. I don’t get the concept of “life”. I can’t comprehend You. My brain hurts trying to think of You. No words that I could ever form are even close to describing You. Sometimes, it’s hard to pray, simply because I feel like nothing I can say is ever “good enough”. Sometimes, in fact many times, I don’t even know my own heart. I can’t tell You wants going on because I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m confused. My feelings screw me over, my emotions cloud my thinking. God, what do You want from me?

I don’t deserve You, yet I seek You. I can’t earn Your love, though You know how hard I try. I can't ever succeed. I feel like a failure. Why do You love me? Nothing makes sense. An indescribable God calls me “worthy”? A Father, so perfect and holy that none can bare to look in His face, calls me “daughter”? I’m speechless.

God, I feel like my words aren’t even doing any good. Why do You give me words to write? What do You expect me to do? I feel so small. I’m insignificant. Your Word says that my righteousness is like filthy rags. I’m flaw-filled. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I don’t understand Your ways. I often miss You when You try to meet with me. I forget to look for You. I’m a captive to human thinking, telling You when and how You’re going to speak. Who am I? What gives me the idea that I’m in control? I’m selfish. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I think I know You, but I don’t. Sometimes, I feel like my entire relationship with You is a facade. I allow life to get in the way, yet I keep playing the part. I use You as a stage or a platform, instead of allowing You to be my voice. I’m an actor. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I’m placing all of this in a box: my flaws, my selfishness, my acting, my distractions, my filthy rags, my confusion, my human thinking. These things are like poison to me, killing me slowly, as if I’m unaware. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.

Teach me. I’m desperate. I can’t stay this way. I need You.

Set me free.

Shatter my box.

d.r.e.a.m.s. (last part, I promise)

All of this talk about dreams reminds me of how big and how supreme God is. In “part 2”, I mentioned 13 of my dreams. I’ve kept a “Book of Dreams” journal for a couple months and I have a lot more listed in there, probably around 260, at least. Now, what if everyone on the planet has at least 260 dreams each right now in this moment? The U.S. has about 310 million people, which is about 4.51% of the world’s population. That’s about 80,600,000,000 dreams just in the United States alone, right here, right now. Whoa....

And God is holding every single one of those dreams in His heart. He doesn’t miss one. To Him, the smallest ones are just as important as the biggest. He knows your dreams. He gave them to you! God is funny...I mean, it’s so difficult to understand Him. I mean, a God sooo big would care about my smallest dream. It’s crazy!

d.r.e.a.m.s. (part 2)

I want to do so much in life. I have so many dreams and desires. Some are deep and serious dreams, others are dreams that would bring me laughter and joy. Here’s a few of my dreams...

(dreams are not in any particular order)

1. Start a coffee shop.
2. Work alongside Lou Engle towards the ending of abortion.
3. Get a pair of Sudoku converse.
4. Marry a man who is madly in love with me :)
5. Graduate with my Masters in business.
6. Learn how to beat box.
7. Publish a devotional.
8. Co-author a book about my life story.
9. Learn Swahili.
10. Go to Africa and lead worship.
11. Learn how to tag.
12. Record the music that I’ve written.
13. Reach out to the broken in any way possible.

These are some of my dreams. They aren’t so simple, and I know that it’ll take time and patience for them to come to pass. Right now, all I can really do is wait on God and for His leading. Someday, these dreams will be my reality.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea of “someday”. “Someday” is a cop-out, an excuse to do nothing. But the truth is that I wasn’t called for “someday”, I was called for now! Some dreams may take time to develop, but that doesn’t mean that today should be overlooked. My purpose is now. If you think about it, you will never get this moment again; this moment right now, you can’t ever get back. How are you spending it?

So many times we get caught up in our own dreams that we forget about the little things. We get so focused about driving that we forget to look at the passing scenery. We are constantly dodging little opportunities because we deem them as a waste of time and inconvenient. But what if that one stop, that one detour, would touch, and potentially change, someone’s life? And I’m not talking about anything big. I’m talking about the small things. Maybe that cashier just needs a reason to smile. Maybe that student is struggling and needs a word of encouragement. Or maybe your co-worker needs to know that he’s appreciated. Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that have the biggest impact.

What can you be doing today? Keep dreaming, but don’t dream so big that you forget about the little things.

Who needs you today?

d.r.e.a.m.s. (part uno)

Today is your day to dream.

Step 1. Get a notebook, preferably with a cute design. The design makes all of the difference. If it’s a cute notebook, it’s more likely that you will write in it and enjoy this activity more. (Remember this hint when shopping for school supplies: notebooks, folders, pens, notecards, etc...)

Step 2. Choose an awesome title for your notebook. This can be anything. Use your creativity.

Step 3. Jot down your dreams. The size or significance of the dream doesn’t matter. If it’s a dream of yours, it goes in this notebook. Some of your dreams will be BIG, and others will seem really small. But NO dream is insignificant. This step will not be completed in one sitting. New dreams come every day.

Step 4. Update regularly.

Today is your day to dream.

Ready. Set. Go.

LIBS that drive you MAD

The life of a college student is so busy. If we’re not in class, we’re studying. If we’re not studying, we’re sleeping. If we’re not sleeping, we’re socializing. If we’re not socializing, we’re working. If we’re not working, we’re on break. If we’re not on break, we’re helping out at home. If we’re not at home, we’re at OuickTrip. I could continue this limitless listing of things that we could be doing, or I could just give you this simple sentence pattern...

If we’re not _______, we’re ______

...and tell you to fill in the blanks. The possibilities are truly endless. We could be pondering the future, you know, thinking about what life will be like after graduation, after the late nights, the parties, the mountains of useless homework, the thousands of cups of coffee and cans of Red Bull, after you’ve walked the stage and are now on the other side, holding that piece of paper that you’ve spent the last 4 years trying to capture, and now you own it. What now? If this were the case, then a whole new set of blanks would be put into place...

After graduation, I’ll ________

Again, the options are inexhaustible. Just fill in the blanks. These limitless choices have the potential to bring utter chaos. If fact, some may wish that some sort of restriction was put in place...but there’s no word bank. Anything goes. “The sky’s the limit”, as they say.

But there has got to be more to life than this.

This is a generation that is obsessed with self-indulgence and the happiness of the individual. Since when is everything supposed to be about YOU? We’re only concerned with the ‘get’, instead of the ‘give’. People stand in line for their chance to lead, but when one asks the question of servitude, not a single hand is raised. Everyone lives like they are the center of their own little worlds. One person’s selfish dream becomes a nightmare for 100. It’s chaos.

It’s not wrong to have a dream. Au contraire, God has given you the dreams and the desires that you possess, and in time, you will see them come to pass. But these dreams are not just for ‘you’. It’s not about you. It's not about what you can get out of it. There’s a bigger picture here. Consider this...

If I don’t _________, who will?

Don’t waste your life.

To Whom It May Concern...

I’m just not thinking clearly right now. I have so much on my mind that I feel that I’m going to drown if I don’t fight it. So much is going on right now. So many questions are left unanswered. What am I supposed to do? What exactly is expected of me?

Friendship: The greatest and sometimes the most horrible thing on the planet. Greatest in the fact that your companionship is the best thing ever and I would never trade it for anything. But it’s the worst in that, no matter what I do, I can’t ever make your life painless. There’s so much I want to do and so much that I want to say, but my actions and my vocabulary fail me continually. Why can’t I be everything that you need? I see the turmoil in your eyes and I feel the pain in your voice, but I have nothing to offer. I have nothing to offer.

Why can’t I just look you in the eye and tell you that you are not worthless? Why can’t I speak from personal experience and be the comfort to you that I once needed? So here it is. This is me...attempting again.

You are NOT worthless. How can you be? You are a daughter of the Most High God!

What about the times when you helped me? What about that time when I needed an escape from my worry-filled questions about the future and you brought up Matthew 6:25-33 “Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.”

You are beautiful. God made you the way that He wanted you. Your eyes light up even the darkest day. For realz. Psalm 139:13 says “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Your workmanship is marvelous!”

You are worthy. But not because of anything you’ve done. You can’t ever do or undo God’s love for you! It’s not about what you do; its about who He is what He’s done! Don’t listen to Satan’s deception! Satan wants to keep you locked up in chains of judgment and depression when you’ve been given freedom. The ultimate freedom! You don’t have to live that way! Your salvation is not a product of “how good you are” or your “good works”. Yes, you will have to give account of your actions, but the truth remains that you are bought by the BLOOD OF CHRIST! I don’t believe that you are “once saved, always saved,” but the very idea that you’re questioning where you stand says something about where your heart is. God has not forsaken you. And He isn’t ignoring you either. I know that you can’t feel Him right now and that you feel abandoned and that you are almost out of desperation, but hang on. You don’t know how far you’ve come. It won’t be long until you will feel His arms wrap around you and hold you tighter than ever before. You are not forgotten.

You have a purpose, my friend. This is just one example, but remember that time when I was getting slammed for my beliefs? And you sent me that fabulous facebook message on March 1, 2009, and mentioned Isaiah 55:10-11? Your encouragement was something that kept me going. You are always good with encouraging me when I need it the most. You know me, and most people can’t figure me out. And that’s why you are my best friend :)

I love you :]

READ THIS!

I think a lot. No, really. I think very analytically and mathematically. I analyze like no other. I analyze people, shapes, colors, numbers, shadows, goals, and very essence of “meaning”. Coupled with the discernment that God has given me, my analytical thought helps me to “read” people, and I must say, I’m very good.

For some reason, people can’t read me. I’ve been told this for a long time. But...I’m not quite sure as to the reason. I get the question all the time “What does that face mean? Why do you just give me a look instead of a response?” I guess I can’t really understand how it’s so easy for me to read people, but then it’s super difficult for everyone else to read me. I just don’t get it. Like, am I making it difficult on purpose or is this something that I can’t control? If I can control it, why do I? What prompted me to do so? The possibilities could be endless. Maybe I’ve learned this art as a mode of survival. Maybe it was just a way to deal with my parent’s disappointment towards me. Maybe I’ve been told things that no one else is supposed to know and to keep myself from saying the wrong thing, I just don’t say anything. Maybe I grew up being told that my opinion didn’t matter. Maybe my thought process is so whacked-out-weird that the world would be better off not knowing what’s going on in my head. Maybe it just takes me longer to open up to people. Or maybe I’ve been emotionally exploited in the past. Maybe I just don’t want to be read. Maybe it’s all of the above...or maybe none of the above. What if I said it was a test? A test to see who cared enough to ask “What are you thinking?”. A test to determine the probability of being written off.

I don’t know the truth. I can’t pinpoint one of these maybes and say that it’s the one reason. I think it’s all of them. I think that the real reason is because I don’t know who I am, and I can’t stand the idea of someone else figuring me out before I can.

Or maybe I really do want to be read and I can’t figure out how.

Lost in the Laughter

I like to consider myself a fairly sociable person. I mean, I love people and I’m always around people. My room is consistently filled with various types of people and personalities. I am notorious for movie nights...you know, with chips, chocolate, soda, popcorn, kool-aid, or really any type of movie-watching-snack. And I love it! I love that people like to be around me. I love that I can make people feel wanted or like they finally belong somewhere.

Laughter is a key part of my life. I love to be happy and to make others happy. Honestly, I think I’m hilarious. You know that annoying person who always laughs at their own jokes? Yeah...that’s me. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m the funniest when I don’t try to be, but I try to be funny a lot. It’s true.

But...it’s so easy to get lost in the laughter.

I want to fit in, like not compromise who I am or morph into something that I’m not, but I want to be liked by people. I mean, it’s a natural desire, right? But there are times when laughter becomes a mask. I’ll be going along, smiling, and cracking jokes, but deep down, I’m hurting, wrestling against brokenness, and losing. You know? Like, I try to make myself laugh as an attempt to forget how much I want to cry. Sometimes it just feels easier to become another laugh in the crowd, than to be the one shimmering tear that everyone has to point out.

And then I feel alone. And that’s the worst feeling in the world...being surrounded by people and still feeling unprotected and abandoned. No one else could possibly feel what I feel. Sometimes, I wish that they could understand or possibly get some insight to what I’m thinking, but that would require me talking about it and facing that one tear head on. That would require becoming vulnerable and possibly being rejected by the ones that mean the most to me. I want more than this. I long for more than this silent brokenness. I’m just existing.

But if you think about it...isn’t everyone just lost in the laughter?

Silent Cries