only darkness remains.

I grew up in church. Heck, I practically lived at church. My parents were associate/worship pastors up until I was 12...and that’s when they became the senior pastors. I went to my church’s private school for 7 years. When I was 14, I got involved, heading up an 8-12 year olds small group, leading worship every other Sunday, running the projector and sound booth on the days I wasn’t leading, and assisting with the nursery 2 times a month. As a PK (pastor’s kid, for those of you who are not familiar with church abbreviations), I was also the “guinea pig” of anything new that they wanted to implement for the youth. Therefore, I’ve taken 3 1-year long leadership courses, Catechism, and a course for new believers (which I took 11 years late). But even in all of this - the training, the discipleship, the foundation - there was something that was missed. Something that I needed desperately.

I am so thankful for my foundation, for my parents’ teaching and training, for God’s grace and 2nd/3rd/4th+ chances! God is my rock! Matthew 7:25 says that “[t]hough the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse, because it is built on rock.” I love this verse. It gives me hope. 

For a moment, let’s be realistic. A house built on rock withstands massive winds, rains, floods, etc...but I grew up in Missouri...and a sturdy foundation is still subject to the devastating blows of a tornado. 

I never learned about darkness...my darkness. 

I am so in love with God! I have a real, deep, personal relationship with my Creator. Everywhere I turn, I see Him. I stand on His promises. I believe in His goodness. I know that He loves me! God has spoken to me so many times, whether through thoughts, pictures, dreams, and even songs. I know God, yet I’m desperate to know Him more! I’m surrendered to Him and I’m excited to see all of the plans that He has for my life!

But then there are times of darkness. It’s not really darkness, but I don’t know how else to describe it. It doesn’t matter how long I pray, I’m answered with silence. I feel alone, forsaken even. Life feels on the verge of being completely hopeless. I feel distant from God. I start to wonder what I’ve done to cause this separation. I start begging God to speak to me. I can’t pray without crying. And what’s worse is that I can’t talk to anyone about it because then they’ll look down on me, wonder what I could have possibly done for God to push me away, tell me I’m not as strong as they thought, and walk away from me, banishing me to my darkness. Only darkness remains. And all I can do is weep.

I was never warned of this season. I’ve been to many church services, but none of them prepared me for this. I’ve heard the sermons about how “darkness hates the light”, “darkness is the absence of light”, and “there’s a light at the end of this tunnel”, but nothing about how I would get these feelings of hopelessness. No one talked about it, so I thought that I was the only one who experienced this.  

But David did. I love King David. He isn’t necessarily my favorite character in the Bible, but he’s definitely in the top 5. David is pretty cool. David had it all: the sandals of a shepherd and the scandals of a celebrity. David is famous for his starring role in the story of “David and Goliath”. Even people who aren’t Christians know of that great feat. David is also known for his horrible mistake involving adultery and murder. And yet this same David is known for being “the man after God’s own heart”. It’s crazy how God loves to use those who have messed up. I mean, just look at David. We still love David. He’s famous in most Christian circles. His songs and poems are still used to being praise to God and to comfort the weary and the broken. 

Read Psalm 88. I randomly stumbled onto it just the other day. It’s dark and sorrowful, but it brought me hope. I don’t know if David actually wrote this or not, but regardless, this passage talks about the same things I’ve mentioned above. The author even likens himself to being dead. The psalm ends with a poetic depiction of how he feels. “Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have cut me off. They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have encircled me completely. You have taken away my companions and loved one; only darkness remains.” 

I am currently in this season of darkness. It has happened before and it most assuredly will happen again. I don’t know why it happens; I’m not in control here. But I’m learning to find joy in the silence. I’m learning to trust God with everything that I am. I am only writing this to you now because I feel that this is something that we need to talk about. It happens, so we should embrace it, not cover it up. It’s ok to go through this season.

The next time you feel like you’re in this kind of darkness, here are some things that might be helpful:

1. You are not alone. Whether you were warned about the times when God is silent or not, everyone experiences it. Talk to somebody about it. Tell them what’s going on and ask them to pray with you and keep you accountable. Friends, we’re here to support each other, not hinder. We need to build each other up, not tear ourselves apart! Open up. Get honest with God, with yourself, and with someone you trust who can support you. 
2. You are not a target. God isn’t out to get you or punish you for something you’ve done or didn’t do. You don’t need to feel ashamed or less worthy or whatever lie the devil is trying to feed you. Spit it out! Taste and see that the Lord is good! This could be a test. This could be God giving you a chance to act on what He has already told you. God can instruct and teach you as much as He wants, but it’s YOU who has to choose to be obedient. Are you ready to step out of the boat?
3. This is a season. You’re not stuck here, though it may very well feel like you are. 
4. Keep pressing on. Listen to Relient K’s “Pressing On” if that will help motivate you. Don’t give up! Continue to read your Bible and pray. Do all of the things that you normally do. I’m not saying that you have to, but I’ve found that it can be helpful to fast during this time. 
5. God’s got your back. Always remember that no matter how distant God feels, He has never left you. Just because He isn’t speaking to you doesn’t mean that He’s not there. 
6. God is a good God. Repeat it daily if you need to, write it on your mirror. God is good. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that God isn’t good. Recall the times in your life when God revealed Himself to you. Think about how God has showered you with His grace and protection. Think of all of the times that God carried you. God is good, my friend. God IS good.

The darkness always comes before the dawn. Take heart. The sun is rising.