until everything went white.

"May 25th, 2012

3:07am

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I would be on my way to the Mexican boarder. Early today, or yesterday rather, after a quick conversation with my brother, I volunteered to accompany him and my father on a trip through the night to Del Rio, Texas. And here we are in...actually I have no idea where we are. We passed Dallas some time ago, but I haven’t really been paying attention to the road signs. My brother has been driving for 5 consecutive hours as my dad sleeps in the back seat and I just sit here in the passenger seat. I’m sooo tired. I’ve been up for 20 hours now. But no matter how tired I get, I won’t fall asleep. I can’t.

FLASHBACK...

I was 12 years old. My mom, siblings, and I were driving in our light blue Windstar to Washington D.C. to visit my aunt’s family. By the time we reached Indianapolis, it was about 3pm and some of us had drifted off to sleep. I was sitting in the passenger seat, coloring in a Justice League coloring book with my new set of gel pens. Out of nowhere, my mom yelled “Dear Jesus!!!” and I looked up at her and then straight ahead, just in time to see the back end of a Jeep Cherokee get increasingly closer...50 feet...25 feet...10 feet...until it was the only thing you could see out the windshield...until everything went white.

I don’t remember the actual crash. I remember every detail leading up to impact: the model and type of the vehicle, which color gel pen I was using, the Adventures in Odyssey episode to which we were listening. And I remember everything after the crash: my mom trying to guide our totaled van to the shoulder of the interstate, the screams that erupted from my 2 year old sister as she had just been rudely awakened (to say the least), the sting of the air bag “powder” on my arms, and the taste of blood in my mouth. But for some reason, I can’t remember the crash itself. 

Later, we discovered the reason for the crash, which was neither the fault of my mother nor the driver that we hit. It didn’t really dawn on me how intense this accident was until a policeman asked who was in the front seat and then asked “Why are you alive?”. Apparently, when a vehicle moving 75mph smashes into one that’s going considerably slower, no one is supposed to survive, much less come out of it unscathed. Everyone involved was completely fine. I didn’t even have burns on my arms from the air bag. Ok, I bit my tongue in all the excitement, but that was it. Crazy, right? No...it was God.

I had nightmares of the crash for a few months following, but I always woke up right before impact. Slowly, the nightmares went away. For awhile, I blamed myself. If only I wasn’t looking down and not paying attention, maybe I would have noticed that we were going a lot faster than the other car, and maybe I could have warned my mom or said something as she was preparing to change lanes and looked over her shoulder to check her blindspot. By doing so, she inadvertently created another. Maybe I could have been the eyes that she needed, that we all needed.” 

NINE YEARS LATER...

...and I’m still affected by what happened that day. I can’t fall asleep in the passenger seat. No matter how hard I try or how tired I get, I can’t do it. I guess I feel like I have to be alert and help keep the driver awake and focused. Friends have noticed that when they roar up behind some car, like at a stoplight or something, I tense up. Actually, I dig my right foot into the floor, as if pushing on the break, like I’m trying to stop what I couldn’t before, but still to no avail. I’m not fearful of cars. I’m not afraid to let someone else drive. I trust other drivers. However, for some reason, I still feel like our safety is partly my responsibility. As the driver is busy controlling the direction and momentum of the car, I could be a lookout for danger, detours, and drunk drivers. And that’s what I do. I’ve seen first hand what can happen, and now I do my best to try to control the outcome. 

And that’s my point...I desire control. Now, I am not a controlling person; I don’t have to be in charge and or have my own way. I just like structure. It works for me.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I get frustrated with God and His plans. When I look at God, I don’t see structure. To consider God structured would in fact confine Him to my simple human knowledge of Who He is, which He, undoubtedly, surpasses. No, when I look at God, I see an unlimited God Who makes the broken WHOLE, the sinner REDEEMED, the dead ALIVE, the impossible POSSIBLE. God is God and He operates beyond what we can comprehend or predict. And that’s scary.

And this is the reason why so many (or maybe it’s just me) struggle with trusting God, because I can’t even begin to know what to expect. I want control, yet God wants the exact opposite...He asks for surrender. 

It’s so hard not knowing where I’m going. I look around at the people that have come before me and the people who are with me now, and they seem to have everything together. They know where they’re going, so why can’t I? It’s also difficult to watch as others receive what they want when they want it. Sometimes I feel as though others received what was intended for me. Why is mine taking so long? God, where are we going (direction) and when will we get there (momentum)? 

Yet even in all of this, God has shown Himself faithful. God has left me with peace (John 14:27). God promises to give us His peace, peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I’ve always viewed this Scripture to mean that God’s peace is so overwhelming that it is unexplainable. But today, I also feel that it means that God’s peace COVERS all that is UNEXPLAINABLE. 

So, this is where I’m at right now. I know I’ve talked a lot about trusting God; I guess I do that because it’s something that I wrestle with daily. Everyday I have to hand over the keys. Everyday I remind myself that I am surrendered to God, and that it’s not my responsibility to control what happens. God’s got this. God’s got me. I may have to endure several days or years of not knowing what God’s got in store, but I know one thing, God’s got me. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. 

I think it’s about time that I just let go...and fall asleep in the passenger seat.

only darkness remains.

I grew up in church. Heck, I practically lived at church. My parents were associate/worship pastors up until I was 12...and that’s when they became the senior pastors. I went to my church’s private school for 7 years. When I was 14, I got involved, heading up an 8-12 year olds small group, leading worship every other Sunday, running the projector and sound booth on the days I wasn’t leading, and assisting with the nursery 2 times a month. As a PK (pastor’s kid, for those of you who are not familiar with church abbreviations), I was also the “guinea pig” of anything new that they wanted to implement for the youth. Therefore, I’ve taken 3 1-year long leadership courses, Catechism, and a course for new believers (which I took 11 years late). But even in all of this - the training, the discipleship, the foundation - there was something that was missed. Something that I needed desperately.

I am so thankful for my foundation, for my parents’ teaching and training, for God’s grace and 2nd/3rd/4th+ chances! God is my rock! Matthew 7:25 says that “[t]hough the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse, because it is built on rock.” I love this verse. It gives me hope. 

For a moment, let’s be realistic. A house built on rock withstands massive winds, rains, floods, etc...but I grew up in Missouri...and a sturdy foundation is still subject to the devastating blows of a tornado. 

I never learned about darkness...my darkness. 

I am so in love with God! I have a real, deep, personal relationship with my Creator. Everywhere I turn, I see Him. I stand on His promises. I believe in His goodness. I know that He loves me! God has spoken to me so many times, whether through thoughts, pictures, dreams, and even songs. I know God, yet I’m desperate to know Him more! I’m surrendered to Him and I’m excited to see all of the plans that He has for my life!

But then there are times of darkness. It’s not really darkness, but I don’t know how else to describe it. It doesn’t matter how long I pray, I’m answered with silence. I feel alone, forsaken even. Life feels on the verge of being completely hopeless. I feel distant from God. I start to wonder what I’ve done to cause this separation. I start begging God to speak to me. I can’t pray without crying. And what’s worse is that I can’t talk to anyone about it because then they’ll look down on me, wonder what I could have possibly done for God to push me away, tell me I’m not as strong as they thought, and walk away from me, banishing me to my darkness. Only darkness remains. And all I can do is weep.

I was never warned of this season. I’ve been to many church services, but none of them prepared me for this. I’ve heard the sermons about how “darkness hates the light”, “darkness is the absence of light”, and “there’s a light at the end of this tunnel”, but nothing about how I would get these feelings of hopelessness. No one talked about it, so I thought that I was the only one who experienced this.  

But David did. I love King David. He isn’t necessarily my favorite character in the Bible, but he’s definitely in the top 5. David is pretty cool. David had it all: the sandals of a shepherd and the scandals of a celebrity. David is famous for his starring role in the story of “David and Goliath”. Even people who aren’t Christians know of that great feat. David is also known for his horrible mistake involving adultery and murder. And yet this same David is known for being “the man after God’s own heart”. It’s crazy how God loves to use those who have messed up. I mean, just look at David. We still love David. He’s famous in most Christian circles. His songs and poems are still used to being praise to God and to comfort the weary and the broken. 

Read Psalm 88. I randomly stumbled onto it just the other day. It’s dark and sorrowful, but it brought me hope. I don’t know if David actually wrote this or not, but regardless, this passage talks about the same things I’ve mentioned above. The author even likens himself to being dead. The psalm ends with a poetic depiction of how he feels. “Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have cut me off. They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have encircled me completely. You have taken away my companions and loved one; only darkness remains.” 

I am currently in this season of darkness. It has happened before and it most assuredly will happen again. I don’t know why it happens; I’m not in control here. But I’m learning to find joy in the silence. I’m learning to trust God with everything that I am. I am only writing this to you now because I feel that this is something that we need to talk about. It happens, so we should embrace it, not cover it up. It’s ok to go through this season.

The next time you feel like you’re in this kind of darkness, here are some things that might be helpful:

1. You are not alone. Whether you were warned about the times when God is silent or not, everyone experiences it. Talk to somebody about it. Tell them what’s going on and ask them to pray with you and keep you accountable. Friends, we’re here to support each other, not hinder. We need to build each other up, not tear ourselves apart! Open up. Get honest with God, with yourself, and with someone you trust who can support you. 
2. You are not a target. God isn’t out to get you or punish you for something you’ve done or didn’t do. You don’t need to feel ashamed or less worthy or whatever lie the devil is trying to feed you. Spit it out! Taste and see that the Lord is good! This could be a test. This could be God giving you a chance to act on what He has already told you. God can instruct and teach you as much as He wants, but it’s YOU who has to choose to be obedient. Are you ready to step out of the boat?
3. This is a season. You’re not stuck here, though it may very well feel like you are. 
4. Keep pressing on. Listen to Relient K’s “Pressing On” if that will help motivate you. Don’t give up! Continue to read your Bible and pray. Do all of the things that you normally do. I’m not saying that you have to, but I’ve found that it can be helpful to fast during this time. 
5. God’s got your back. Always remember that no matter how distant God feels, He has never left you. Just because He isn’t speaking to you doesn’t mean that He’s not there. 
6. God is a good God. Repeat it daily if you need to, write it on your mirror. God is good. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that God isn’t good. Recall the times in your life when God revealed Himself to you. Think about how God has showered you with His grace and protection. Think of all of the times that God carried you. God is good, my friend. God IS good.

The darkness always comes before the dawn. Take heart. The sun is rising.