Cancer. Divorce. Learning disabilities. Brain Aneurysms. Broken leg. Strokes. Coma. Depression. I feel like the realization of all these things have been thrown my way in the last 2 weeks. My family has taken a hit. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like my life is falling apart. My strong exterior is slowly fading to reveal how broken I really am. I can't handle this. I feel helpless. The distance between the situations and me is satisfying, yet also heartbreaking. I can’t reach out to those that I love.
What words do You want to hear? What can I say that will give me what I want? Can You make this all disappear? It’s so hard to pray because I feel like I’ve fully exhausted every variation, every derivative, every tear. I have nothing left to give. This is all that I can muster. And now I feel numb, like all of this is surreal and at any moment, I’m going to wake up from this nightmare. But it’s not a nightmare; it’s not even a dream.
It’s hard not to blame God. I’m not embracing this as a reason to be angry with God, but to be honest, I’ve had to continually decide not to be. I have to remind myself that My God is a good God. He is faithful. And He loves me. And He is in control. I have to trust Him, mainly because there’s nothing else that I can do, but also because...He’s GOD. He knows what He is doing. :)
Your will be done, Lord.
Your will be done.
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