Shatter my box.

God, sometimes I don’t understand why I do some of the things I do, or say some of the things that pop out my mouth. I don’t get the concept of “life”. I can’t comprehend You. My brain hurts trying to think of You. No words that I could ever form are even close to describing You. Sometimes, it’s hard to pray, simply because I feel like nothing I can say is ever “good enough”. Sometimes, in fact many times, I don’t even know my own heart. I can’t tell You wants going on because I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m confused. My feelings screw me over, my emotions cloud my thinking. God, what do You want from me?

I don’t deserve You, yet I seek You. I can’t earn Your love, though You know how hard I try. I can't ever succeed. I feel like a failure. Why do You love me? Nothing makes sense. An indescribable God calls me “worthy”? A Father, so perfect and holy that none can bare to look in His face, calls me “daughter”? I’m speechless.

God, I feel like my words aren’t even doing any good. Why do You give me words to write? What do You expect me to do? I feel so small. I’m insignificant. Your Word says that my righteousness is like filthy rags. I’m flaw-filled. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I don’t understand Your ways. I often miss You when You try to meet with me. I forget to look for You. I’m a captive to human thinking, telling You when and how You’re going to speak. Who am I? What gives me the idea that I’m in control? I’m selfish. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I think I know You, but I don’t. Sometimes, I feel like my entire relationship with You is a facade. I allow life to get in the way, yet I keep playing the part. I use You as a stage or a platform, instead of allowing You to be my voice. I’m an actor. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I’m placing all of this in a box: my flaws, my selfishness, my acting, my distractions, my filthy rags, my confusion, my human thinking. These things are like poison to me, killing me slowly, as if I’m unaware. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.

Teach me. I’m desperate. I can’t stay this way. I need You.

Set me free.

Shatter my box.

d.r.e.a.m.s. (last part, I promise)

All of this talk about dreams reminds me of how big and how supreme God is. In “part 2”, I mentioned 13 of my dreams. I’ve kept a “Book of Dreams” journal for a couple months and I have a lot more listed in there, probably around 260, at least. Now, what if everyone on the planet has at least 260 dreams each right now in this moment? The U.S. has about 310 million people, which is about 4.51% of the world’s population. That’s about 80,600,000,000 dreams just in the United States alone, right here, right now. Whoa....

And God is holding every single one of those dreams in His heart. He doesn’t miss one. To Him, the smallest ones are just as important as the biggest. He knows your dreams. He gave them to you! God is funny...I mean, it’s so difficult to understand Him. I mean, a God sooo big would care about my smallest dream. It’s crazy!

d.r.e.a.m.s. (part 2)

I want to do so much in life. I have so many dreams and desires. Some are deep and serious dreams, others are dreams that would bring me laughter and joy. Here’s a few of my dreams...

(dreams are not in any particular order)

1. Start a coffee shop.
2. Work alongside Lou Engle towards the ending of abortion.
3. Get a pair of Sudoku converse.
4. Marry a man who is madly in love with me :)
5. Graduate with my Masters in business.
6. Learn how to beat box.
7. Publish a devotional.
8. Co-author a book about my life story.
9. Learn Swahili.
10. Go to Africa and lead worship.
11. Learn how to tag.
12. Record the music that I’ve written.
13. Reach out to the broken in any way possible.

These are some of my dreams. They aren’t so simple, and I know that it’ll take time and patience for them to come to pass. Right now, all I can really do is wait on God and for His leading. Someday, these dreams will be my reality.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea of “someday”. “Someday” is a cop-out, an excuse to do nothing. But the truth is that I wasn’t called for “someday”, I was called for now! Some dreams may take time to develop, but that doesn’t mean that today should be overlooked. My purpose is now. If you think about it, you will never get this moment again; this moment right now, you can’t ever get back. How are you spending it?

So many times we get caught up in our own dreams that we forget about the little things. We get so focused about driving that we forget to look at the passing scenery. We are constantly dodging little opportunities because we deem them as a waste of time and inconvenient. But what if that one stop, that one detour, would touch, and potentially change, someone’s life? And I’m not talking about anything big. I’m talking about the small things. Maybe that cashier just needs a reason to smile. Maybe that student is struggling and needs a word of encouragement. Or maybe your co-worker needs to know that he’s appreciated. Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that have the biggest impact.

What can you be doing today? Keep dreaming, but don’t dream so big that you forget about the little things.

Who needs you today?

d.r.e.a.m.s. (part uno)

Today is your day to dream.

Step 1. Get a notebook, preferably with a cute design. The design makes all of the difference. If it’s a cute notebook, it’s more likely that you will write in it and enjoy this activity more. (Remember this hint when shopping for school supplies: notebooks, folders, pens, notecards, etc...)

Step 2. Choose an awesome title for your notebook. This can be anything. Use your creativity.

Step 3. Jot down your dreams. The size or significance of the dream doesn’t matter. If it’s a dream of yours, it goes in this notebook. Some of your dreams will be BIG, and others will seem really small. But NO dream is insignificant. This step will not be completed in one sitting. New dreams come every day.

Step 4. Update regularly.

Today is your day to dream.

Ready. Set. Go.

LIBS that drive you MAD

The life of a college student is so busy. If we’re not in class, we’re studying. If we’re not studying, we’re sleeping. If we’re not sleeping, we’re socializing. If we’re not socializing, we’re working. If we’re not working, we’re on break. If we’re not on break, we’re helping out at home. If we’re not at home, we’re at OuickTrip. I could continue this limitless listing of things that we could be doing, or I could just give you this simple sentence pattern...

If we’re not _______, we’re ______

...and tell you to fill in the blanks. The possibilities are truly endless. We could be pondering the future, you know, thinking about what life will be like after graduation, after the late nights, the parties, the mountains of useless homework, the thousands of cups of coffee and cans of Red Bull, after you’ve walked the stage and are now on the other side, holding that piece of paper that you’ve spent the last 4 years trying to capture, and now you own it. What now? If this were the case, then a whole new set of blanks would be put into place...

After graduation, I’ll ________

Again, the options are inexhaustible. Just fill in the blanks. These limitless choices have the potential to bring utter chaos. If fact, some may wish that some sort of restriction was put in place...but there’s no word bank. Anything goes. “The sky’s the limit”, as they say.

But there has got to be more to life than this.

This is a generation that is obsessed with self-indulgence and the happiness of the individual. Since when is everything supposed to be about YOU? We’re only concerned with the ‘get’, instead of the ‘give’. People stand in line for their chance to lead, but when one asks the question of servitude, not a single hand is raised. Everyone lives like they are the center of their own little worlds. One person’s selfish dream becomes a nightmare for 100. It’s chaos.

It’s not wrong to have a dream. Au contraire, God has given you the dreams and the desires that you possess, and in time, you will see them come to pass. But these dreams are not just for ‘you’. It’s not about you. It's not about what you can get out of it. There’s a bigger picture here. Consider this...

If I don’t _________, who will?

Don’t waste your life.

To Whom It May Concern...

I’m just not thinking clearly right now. I have so much on my mind that I feel that I’m going to drown if I don’t fight it. So much is going on right now. So many questions are left unanswered. What am I supposed to do? What exactly is expected of me?

Friendship: The greatest and sometimes the most horrible thing on the planet. Greatest in the fact that your companionship is the best thing ever and I would never trade it for anything. But it’s the worst in that, no matter what I do, I can’t ever make your life painless. There’s so much I want to do and so much that I want to say, but my actions and my vocabulary fail me continually. Why can’t I be everything that you need? I see the turmoil in your eyes and I feel the pain in your voice, but I have nothing to offer. I have nothing to offer.

Why can’t I just look you in the eye and tell you that you are not worthless? Why can’t I speak from personal experience and be the comfort to you that I once needed? So here it is. This is me...attempting again.

You are NOT worthless. How can you be? You are a daughter of the Most High God!

What about the times when you helped me? What about that time when I needed an escape from my worry-filled questions about the future and you brought up Matthew 6:25-33 “Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.”

You are beautiful. God made you the way that He wanted you. Your eyes light up even the darkest day. For realz. Psalm 139:13 says “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Your workmanship is marvelous!”

You are worthy. But not because of anything you’ve done. You can’t ever do or undo God’s love for you! It’s not about what you do; its about who He is what He’s done! Don’t listen to Satan’s deception! Satan wants to keep you locked up in chains of judgment and depression when you’ve been given freedom. The ultimate freedom! You don’t have to live that way! Your salvation is not a product of “how good you are” or your “good works”. Yes, you will have to give account of your actions, but the truth remains that you are bought by the BLOOD OF CHRIST! I don’t believe that you are “once saved, always saved,” but the very idea that you’re questioning where you stand says something about where your heart is. God has not forsaken you. And He isn’t ignoring you either. I know that you can’t feel Him right now and that you feel abandoned and that you are almost out of desperation, but hang on. You don’t know how far you’ve come. It won’t be long until you will feel His arms wrap around you and hold you tighter than ever before. You are not forgotten.

You have a purpose, my friend. This is just one example, but remember that time when I was getting slammed for my beliefs? And you sent me that fabulous facebook message on March 1, 2009, and mentioned Isaiah 55:10-11? Your encouragement was something that kept me going. You are always good with encouraging me when I need it the most. You know me, and most people can’t figure me out. And that’s why you are my best friend :)

I love you :]