Shatter my box.

God, sometimes I don’t understand why I do some of the things I do, or say some of the things that pop out my mouth. I don’t get the concept of “life”. I can’t comprehend You. My brain hurts trying to think of You. No words that I could ever form are even close to describing You. Sometimes, it’s hard to pray, simply because I feel like nothing I can say is ever “good enough”. Sometimes, in fact many times, I don’t even know my own heart. I can’t tell You wants going on because I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m confused. My feelings screw me over, my emotions cloud my thinking. God, what do You want from me?

I don’t deserve You, yet I seek You. I can’t earn Your love, though You know how hard I try. I can't ever succeed. I feel like a failure. Why do You love me? Nothing makes sense. An indescribable God calls me “worthy”? A Father, so perfect and holy that none can bare to look in His face, calls me “daughter”? I’m speechless.

God, I feel like my words aren’t even doing any good. Why do You give me words to write? What do You expect me to do? I feel so small. I’m insignificant. Your Word says that my righteousness is like filthy rags. I’m flaw-filled. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I don’t understand Your ways. I often miss You when You try to meet with me. I forget to look for You. I’m a captive to human thinking, telling You when and how You’re going to speak. Who am I? What gives me the idea that I’m in control? I’m selfish. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I think I know You, but I don’t. Sometimes, I feel like my entire relationship with You is a facade. I allow life to get in the way, yet I keep playing the part. I use You as a stage or a platform, instead of allowing You to be my voice. I’m an actor. Who am I that You would call me “daughter”?

I’m placing all of this in a box: my flaws, my selfishness, my acting, my distractions, my filthy rags, my confusion, my human thinking. These things are like poison to me, killing me slowly, as if I’m unaware. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.

Teach me. I’m desperate. I can’t stay this way. I need You.

Set me free.

Shatter my box.

d.r.e.a.m.s. (last part, I promise)

All of this talk about dreams reminds me of how big and how supreme God is. In “part 2”, I mentioned 13 of my dreams. I’ve kept a “Book of Dreams” journal for a couple months and I have a lot more listed in there, probably around 260, at least. Now, what if everyone on the planet has at least 260 dreams each right now in this moment? The U.S. has about 310 million people, which is about 4.51% of the world’s population. That’s about 80,600,000,000 dreams just in the United States alone, right here, right now. Whoa....

And God is holding every single one of those dreams in His heart. He doesn’t miss one. To Him, the smallest ones are just as important as the biggest. He knows your dreams. He gave them to you! God is funny...I mean, it’s so difficult to understand Him. I mean, a God sooo big would care about my smallest dream. It’s crazy!

d.r.e.a.m.s. (part 2)

I want to do so much in life. I have so many dreams and desires. Some are deep and serious dreams, others are dreams that would bring me laughter and joy. Here’s a few of my dreams...

(dreams are not in any particular order)

1. Start a coffee shop.
2. Work alongside Lou Engle towards the ending of abortion.
3. Get a pair of Sudoku converse.
4. Marry a man who is madly in love with me :)
5. Graduate with my Masters in business.
6. Learn how to beat box.
7. Publish a devotional.
8. Co-author a book about my life story.
9. Learn Swahili.
10. Go to Africa and lead worship.
11. Learn how to tag.
12. Record the music that I’ve written.
13. Reach out to the broken in any way possible.

These are some of my dreams. They aren’t so simple, and I know that it’ll take time and patience for them to come to pass. Right now, all I can really do is wait on God and for His leading. Someday, these dreams will be my reality.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the idea of “someday”. “Someday” is a cop-out, an excuse to do nothing. But the truth is that I wasn’t called for “someday”, I was called for now! Some dreams may take time to develop, but that doesn’t mean that today should be overlooked. My purpose is now. If you think about it, you will never get this moment again; this moment right now, you can’t ever get back. How are you spending it?

So many times we get caught up in our own dreams that we forget about the little things. We get so focused about driving that we forget to look at the passing scenery. We are constantly dodging little opportunities because we deem them as a waste of time and inconvenient. But what if that one stop, that one detour, would touch, and potentially change, someone’s life? And I’m not talking about anything big. I’m talking about the small things. Maybe that cashier just needs a reason to smile. Maybe that student is struggling and needs a word of encouragement. Or maybe your co-worker needs to know that he’s appreciated. Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that have the biggest impact.

What can you be doing today? Keep dreaming, but don’t dream so big that you forget about the little things.

Who needs you today?

d.r.e.a.m.s. (part uno)

Today is your day to dream.

Step 1. Get a notebook, preferably with a cute design. The design makes all of the difference. If it’s a cute notebook, it’s more likely that you will write in it and enjoy this activity more. (Remember this hint when shopping for school supplies: notebooks, folders, pens, notecards, etc...)

Step 2. Choose an awesome title for your notebook. This can be anything. Use your creativity.

Step 3. Jot down your dreams. The size or significance of the dream doesn’t matter. If it’s a dream of yours, it goes in this notebook. Some of your dreams will be BIG, and others will seem really small. But NO dream is insignificant. This step will not be completed in one sitting. New dreams come every day.

Step 4. Update regularly.

Today is your day to dream.

Ready. Set. Go.

LIBS that drive you MAD

The life of a college student is so busy. If we’re not in class, we’re studying. If we’re not studying, we’re sleeping. If we’re not sleeping, we’re socializing. If we’re not socializing, we’re working. If we’re not working, we’re on break. If we’re not on break, we’re helping out at home. If we’re not at home, we’re at OuickTrip. I could continue this limitless listing of things that we could be doing, or I could just give you this simple sentence pattern...

If we’re not _______, we’re ______

...and tell you to fill in the blanks. The possibilities are truly endless. We could be pondering the future, you know, thinking about what life will be like after graduation, after the late nights, the parties, the mountains of useless homework, the thousands of cups of coffee and cans of Red Bull, after you’ve walked the stage and are now on the other side, holding that piece of paper that you’ve spent the last 4 years trying to capture, and now you own it. What now? If this were the case, then a whole new set of blanks would be put into place...

After graduation, I’ll ________

Again, the options are inexhaustible. Just fill in the blanks. These limitless choices have the potential to bring utter chaos. If fact, some may wish that some sort of restriction was put in place...but there’s no word bank. Anything goes. “The sky’s the limit”, as they say.

But there has got to be more to life than this.

This is a generation that is obsessed with self-indulgence and the happiness of the individual. Since when is everything supposed to be about YOU? We’re only concerned with the ‘get’, instead of the ‘give’. People stand in line for their chance to lead, but when one asks the question of servitude, not a single hand is raised. Everyone lives like they are the center of their own little worlds. One person’s selfish dream becomes a nightmare for 100. It’s chaos.

It’s not wrong to have a dream. Au contraire, God has given you the dreams and the desires that you possess, and in time, you will see them come to pass. But these dreams are not just for ‘you’. It’s not about you. It's not about what you can get out of it. There’s a bigger picture here. Consider this...

If I don’t _________, who will?

Don’t waste your life.

To Whom It May Concern...

I’m just not thinking clearly right now. I have so much on my mind that I feel that I’m going to drown if I don’t fight it. So much is going on right now. So many questions are left unanswered. What am I supposed to do? What exactly is expected of me?

Friendship: The greatest and sometimes the most horrible thing on the planet. Greatest in the fact that your companionship is the best thing ever and I would never trade it for anything. But it’s the worst in that, no matter what I do, I can’t ever make your life painless. There’s so much I want to do and so much that I want to say, but my actions and my vocabulary fail me continually. Why can’t I be everything that you need? I see the turmoil in your eyes and I feel the pain in your voice, but I have nothing to offer. I have nothing to offer.

Why can’t I just look you in the eye and tell you that you are not worthless? Why can’t I speak from personal experience and be the comfort to you that I once needed? So here it is. This is me...attempting again.

You are NOT worthless. How can you be? You are a daughter of the Most High God!

What about the times when you helped me? What about that time when I needed an escape from my worry-filled questions about the future and you brought up Matthew 6:25-33 “Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you.”

You are beautiful. God made you the way that He wanted you. Your eyes light up even the darkest day. For realz. Psalm 139:13 says “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Your workmanship is marvelous!”

You are worthy. But not because of anything you’ve done. You can’t ever do or undo God’s love for you! It’s not about what you do; its about who He is what He’s done! Don’t listen to Satan’s deception! Satan wants to keep you locked up in chains of judgment and depression when you’ve been given freedom. The ultimate freedom! You don’t have to live that way! Your salvation is not a product of “how good you are” or your “good works”. Yes, you will have to give account of your actions, but the truth remains that you are bought by the BLOOD OF CHRIST! I don’t believe that you are “once saved, always saved,” but the very idea that you’re questioning where you stand says something about where your heart is. God has not forsaken you. And He isn’t ignoring you either. I know that you can’t feel Him right now and that you feel abandoned and that you are almost out of desperation, but hang on. You don’t know how far you’ve come. It won’t be long until you will feel His arms wrap around you and hold you tighter than ever before. You are not forgotten.

You have a purpose, my friend. This is just one example, but remember that time when I was getting slammed for my beliefs? And you sent me that fabulous facebook message on March 1, 2009, and mentioned Isaiah 55:10-11? Your encouragement was something that kept me going. You are always good with encouraging me when I need it the most. You know me, and most people can’t figure me out. And that’s why you are my best friend :)

I love you :]

READ THIS!

I think a lot. No, really. I think very analytically and mathematically. I analyze like no other. I analyze people, shapes, colors, numbers, shadows, goals, and very essence of “meaning”. Coupled with the discernment that God has given me, my analytical thought helps me to “read” people, and I must say, I’m very good.

For some reason, people can’t read me. I’ve been told this for a long time. But...I’m not quite sure as to the reason. I get the question all the time “What does that face mean? Why do you just give me a look instead of a response?” I guess I can’t really understand how it’s so easy for me to read people, but then it’s super difficult for everyone else to read me. I just don’t get it. Like, am I making it difficult on purpose or is this something that I can’t control? If I can control it, why do I? What prompted me to do so? The possibilities could be endless. Maybe I’ve learned this art as a mode of survival. Maybe it was just a way to deal with my parent’s disappointment towards me. Maybe I’ve been told things that no one else is supposed to know and to keep myself from saying the wrong thing, I just don’t say anything. Maybe I grew up being told that my opinion didn’t matter. Maybe my thought process is so whacked-out-weird that the world would be better off not knowing what’s going on in my head. Maybe it just takes me longer to open up to people. Or maybe I’ve been emotionally exploited in the past. Maybe I just don’t want to be read. Maybe it’s all of the above...or maybe none of the above. What if I said it was a test? A test to see who cared enough to ask “What are you thinking?”. A test to determine the probability of being written off.

I don’t know the truth. I can’t pinpoint one of these maybes and say that it’s the one reason. I think it’s all of them. I think that the real reason is because I don’t know who I am, and I can’t stand the idea of someone else figuring me out before I can.

Or maybe I really do want to be read and I can’t figure out how.

Lost in the Laughter

I like to consider myself a fairly sociable person. I mean, I love people and I’m always around people. My room is consistently filled with various types of people and personalities. I am notorious for movie nights...you know, with chips, chocolate, soda, popcorn, kool-aid, or really any type of movie-watching-snack. And I love it! I love that people like to be around me. I love that I can make people feel wanted or like they finally belong somewhere.

Laughter is a key part of my life. I love to be happy and to make others happy. Honestly, I think I’m hilarious. You know that annoying person who always laughs at their own jokes? Yeah...that’s me. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m the funniest when I don’t try to be, but I try to be funny a lot. It’s true.

But...it’s so easy to get lost in the laughter.

I want to fit in, like not compromise who I am or morph into something that I’m not, but I want to be liked by people. I mean, it’s a natural desire, right? But there are times when laughter becomes a mask. I’ll be going along, smiling, and cracking jokes, but deep down, I’m hurting, wrestling against brokenness, and losing. You know? Like, I try to make myself laugh as an attempt to forget how much I want to cry. Sometimes it just feels easier to become another laugh in the crowd, than to be the one shimmering tear that everyone has to point out.

And then I feel alone. And that’s the worst feeling in the world...being surrounded by people and still feeling unprotected and abandoned. No one else could possibly feel what I feel. Sometimes, I wish that they could understand or possibly get some insight to what I’m thinking, but that would require me talking about it and facing that one tear head on. That would require becoming vulnerable and possibly being rejected by the ones that mean the most to me. I want more than this. I long for more than this silent brokenness. I’m just existing.

But if you think about it...isn’t everyone just lost in the laughter?

Silent Cries

It's just a phone.

I recently bought a new cell phone cover for my Samsung Impression :) I've always wanted a cool cover and I finally found that one that I would call my own. It was a pink cover that had soft rubber on the back of it. It's so nice! I love it! It hides all of the nasty scratches that are on my phone and only reveals what I want it to: a new, perfect, shiny exterior.

A phone with a cover is still a phone. It's the same electrical device that one would use to call or text people. It's purpose hasn't changed. It's function hasn't changed. It's scratches haven't changed...they're just covered up.

Sound like life? I thought so.

Life is about hiding. Everyone hides. Life is like a constant hide and seek game, except you don't ever get found. Life is about being undercover...only the best disguises survive. Do you even know who you really are?

Why can't we be real with people? Why must we cover everything that may seem imperfect?

We're just a scratched phone with a shiny cover. Everyone is scratched. Everybody has been hurt or is hurting. Does anyone care anymore?

I'm done.

These are my scratches.

My Opinion of Onions

Onions. I really hate them. Okay, I don’t hate them, but they definitely bring some discomfort. Onions are just hazardous. If you don’t cut yourself trying to chop them, your eyes will most assuredly start to itch and you’ll instinctively reach up with your hand, that’s been marinated in onion juice, and rub your eye. See? Simply hazardous.

But purpose is very similar to the onion. It’s hazardous. You get hurt, sometimes emotions take their toll, it’s uncomfortable, and if onion juice is in your eyes, there’s confusion and mayhem. However, there are 2 differences between purpose and onions. 1. As layers are peeled back, the sting of onions doesn’t go away, but the sting of life/purpose does. When the layers are being peeled back, it brings clarity and peace. Peel by peel, more of life makes sense and direction becomes clearer. Sure, there’s still some question and some confusion, but there’s a peace in the unknown. 2. I’m not holding the onion of purpose, God is.

Life is funny sometimes. I don’t understand my life or my purpose. For that matter, I don’t fully understand the purpose of life. I feel like I’m walking through life blindly...which isn’t funny at all when you think about it. I feel that the more I try to see and understand, the more confused I get. But sometimes, I’m not supposed to see or understand, sometimes I’m just supposed to trust and wait. I mean, why should I fear the future when God, the Almighty, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Alpha and Omega, is holding me in the palm of HIS hands??

Sometimes, I don’t know my next step because God hasn’t introduced me to it yet. I just need to trust in the supremacy and goodness of God. And when the time is right, He will guide me, step by step, peel by peel.

Psalm 27:13

“I will remain confident in this I will see the goodness of the Lord.”

Proverbs 19:20-21

“Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”

Step by step.

Peel by peel.

The most dreaded: Writers' Block

How does one even describe it? It’s a complete twist of emotion and knowledge, a connection severed. It’s like that feeling you get when a word is on the tip of your tongue and it’s such a great word that will perfectly describe the current situation, but you just can’t remember it, no matter how hard you try. Or like you’re falling with no net below you, nothing to catch you, you have no support, no foundation. It’s total abandonment. Your head has abandoned you. Your heart has abandoned you. Your voice has abandoned you. It’s been 7 1/2 months and still nothing to show. And with each passing day, the flame of passion, originality, and spunk is slowly suffocating, one spark at a time. It’s frightening. Your voice can’t find your heart and your heart has lost its voice. What do you do? You wait for the reunion, while desperately trying to hold onto the one thing that made you want to write in the first place…your conviction.

Sorry...we're closed!

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. It’s hard to believe that one year ago today I walked up those steps and across that stage. The whole time I was saying to myself...”Don’t trip! Relax. Smile...don’t trip!” But that was my moment. Everything I worked and fought for was about that moment, that feeling. My family screamed, friends cheered, and cameras flashed as I stretched out my hand and accepted my high school diploma.

A lot has changed in one year. I am more sociable with people that I don’t know. I am more daring...as I dyed my hair for the first time and got a fauxhawk. I am now confident in who I am and who I am becoming. I worked for someone other than my father. God has given me a passion for a broken people. I have never been more thankful for family and close friends. I will never again be called a ‘freshman’. And for once in my life...I have no plans.

My entire life has been planned. Everything was about “the schedule”. Everything was about “MY schedule.” But my world has been shaken. It’s difficult to explain. It’s like every time I try to do something or make some decision, God steps in and goes “Whoops...wrong!” (Not a condemning wrong, but a gentle “No...THIS way.” kind of wrong)

I’ve tried to be involved in several activities or things that I think God is calling me to. But none of them worked out and I immediately started doubting God’s plan for my life or what I know of it. But God is faithful! He gently showed me that these things will happen, my desires will be fulfilled, but in HIS time...not mine.

Just because a door isn’t open today doesn’t mean that it will be closed tomorrow.

God is so unpredictable. I’m constantly reminded that I need to trust God and be prepared for anything. The point is that my God is an amazing Father. He is limitless. His plan for my life is limitless. My own boundaries cannot stop Him.

And yet...sometimes God feels so far away. I don’t understand it. The times when I need Him the most are often the times when He is simply not found. I can’t feel Him. I can’t hear Him. I cry, but I receive no comfort. I feel utterly alone. I am vulnerable. All I can hear is the sound of my own voice...my own judgment. Is this it?

But God has never left me. Even in the worst situations, I am never alone. Silence doesn’t mean abandonment. Silence doesn’t mean separation. Silence doesn’t mean failure. Silence doesn’t mean that I have pushed God away from me. Silence doesn’t mean that the door is closed. These moments of silence are times of testing.

When a teacher gives a test, do they give you all the answers or are they silent? Do they talk you through the test or do they let you take it on your own? It’s the same with God. When He speaks to me, He is teaching me and showing me things. He helps me practice and practice and practice. But when it comes time for a test, He is silent. He lets me walk in what I have learned. God is faithful. Sometimes I fail a test, and He teaches me again. I have failed tests over and over, but He is still by my side and helping me learn it again. God is faithful!

Joshua 1:5

“No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Hebrews 6:18

“So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.”

God is teaching me, over and over again, to trust Him. I am not in control. How can I be? I have no idea what I’m going to be when I grow up. I don’t know God’s plans for me. And that’s okay because God is teaching me to slow down and take things as He gives them to me. One step at a time. And even though I don’t know where exactly I’m walking to, I know that God is faithful. All of this will make sense in His time...in HIS time.

Dueteronomy 31:6

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD Your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."

God has not abandoned you. He can’t. He has promised to never leave nor forsake you and He can’t break a promise. Silence will come. And when it does don’t listen to the Satan’s lies of condemnation and separation. You belong to God, son/daughter of the Most High God! God is faithful!

God bless!