waterproof.

A few weeks back, I was flying home from a business trip in Boston. Side-note: I love everything about flying. Once seated, my eyes are glued to the window. I swear people think that I’m a first-time flyer. I’m just so fascinated by God's creation! Anyway, during this flight, we came upon the most intense turbulence that I had ever experienced. Was I scared? No. I actually like a little bit of turbulence; it keeps things exciting. However, this was so bad that the flight just wasn’t enjoyable anymore. So I prayed. ‘God, You have the power to control these winds. Tell them to stop.’ “Tell your heart to trust Me.”

My immediate response was to feel offended. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t trust Him; I just wanted to look out the window without banging my face into it. Was I really asking too much? After I had gotten over myself, I started thinking about what God had said. Instead of just saying “Trust Me”, God shared an important truth: trusting God has little to do with the way that I feel and has everything to do with the choice that I make. Too often, I get caught up in the way that I feel about something and I interpret that feeling into a degree of trust. But the reality is that trusting God is always a choice. It’s a choice that must be made daily; a choice that I have to remind myself to make daily. And you know? This realization brought me much freedom. I experience His presence and His peace, but I rarely, “feel” like I trust Him. And that’s okay. I should trust Him regardless of the way that I feel. “Tell your heart to trust Me.”

Every time I struggle with trusting God, I think about Jesus and Peter walking on water. I tend to focus on the middle of the story, the part where Peter takes his eyes off of Jesus and begins to sink. As this imagery has great value, I urge you to look past his sinking and focus on 2 other points. First of all, one of the greatest parts of this story is not that he sank, but that he stepped out of the boat. In fact, he told Jesus to call him out of the boat. That takes tremendous faith. Can you image? There’s a storm raging around you and Jesus tells you to step out into the storm. It’s not like Jesus calmed the waves before He told Peter to come. Storms are part of life. Some pass quickly and others linger and cause great devastation. As a Christian, you aren’t promised a stormless life, but you are promised an umbrella. We don’t have to be fearful in the storm because we have been given peace, peace that passes all understanding. I believe this means that 1) the peace we’re given is so great that it cannot be explained by human rationale and 2) the peace we’re given is so powerful that it covers all that is un-explainable.

And the second point is this: even in the midst of the storm, in the midst of doubt, in the midst of despair, Peter was not alone. Jesus never calls you into a storm by yourself. In fact, He was already in the storm waiting to walk Peter through it. He knows you can’t handle it alone. He is ALWAYS with you. And in the moments when you feel like you’re drowning, He is there to pull you out. He won’t let you sink.

I can’t pretend to know what you are facing today. But God does. And no matter how hopeless the situation might feel, God has not lost control. You may have lost control, but it probably wasn’t yours to hold anyway. The reality is that your feelings don’t dictate the truth of Who God is. Remind yourself of Who God is and what He has done for you. He will not fail you or make a mistake. He is “I AM”, the Beginning and the End, the Breath of Life, the Author and Finisher of your faith. He is good. He is faithful. He is ever present. When the wind blows and the earth quakes, tell your heart to trust Him. He has the power to calm the water, but even if He doesn’t and the storm rages on, you are safe. YOU. ARE. SAFE.

Regardless of where you find yourself today, God is still God and His love remains. “Many waters cannot quench love. Rivers cannot sweep it away.” (Song of Solomon 8:7) Storms can’t diminish the love that He has for you. Instead, they provide opportunities to encounter new depths of His love. It's not about the storm; it's about Jesus and the immeasurable love that He has for YOU.

“Tell your heart to trust Me.”

thus far.

Today is my 23rd birthday. I don't really feel older and I most certainly don't feel any wiser. However, a friend asked me some time ago to consider what advice I would offer someone if given the chance. I don't pretend to have life figured out. Heck, I learn something new everyday. But here are the "life lessons"/pieces of advice that I would give thus far:    

Learn to write. Of course I’m saying something about writing because it’s what I love to do (obviously). There are three main reasons why I believe that everyone should learn to write well. The first and most practical reason is that almost any job that you will have, you will need to be a good communicator, especially in written form. Whether emails to clients, reports, or interoffice memos, being a good writer is imperative to a successful career. No1 is goin 2 keep sum1 who cant right a props senence. Secondly, and probably most importantly in my mind, writing gives you an outlet to help you find a voice. Writing helps me to sort out my thoughts and process whatever is going on in my life. I love writing because I can go back years later and see how I handled a certain conflict or how God was faithful to carry me through a specific situation. Writing is good for the soul. And lastly, consider sharing what you’ve written. Sometimes, the things that you have written are the things that someone else needs to read. Have you ever had that moment when you read something and the words just connected with you like they were written for you? Well, why can’t your words have the same effect? Don’t get me wrong, I write for me; I don’t write for anyone else. But sometimes I wonder if maybe someone else is facing the same thing as me and maybe someone else is looking for a connection, for hope, or maybe just the evidence that they are not alone. I write for me, but I blog for someone else, even if it’s just one person.

Get to know yourself. As a senior in high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Now, a college graduate and business professional, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life. And that’s ok. Part of the journey is getting to know yourself. I have learned more about myself in the past 4 years than I ever thought I could. And yet, I’m still learning new things about me. It’s an ongoing process and a great one, at that. But here are some things that will help you out. 1) Use tools and tests to learn about yourself. You are not easy to dissect, so it’s best to use multiple tools to help you. You can actually study yourself, like taking notes of why you react a specific way, why you don’t get along with certain people, etc. However, if you’re not as self-reflective as I am, there are other tools to use, such as the Myers-Briggs personality test. In my experience, the MB test has been right on and so insightful. Take the 5 Love Languages test to reveal how you receive/show love. Take the StrengthsFinder test to reveal which strengths are your strongest and how to incorporate them more effectively. There are many other tests that you can take, and I say take in all the information you can get. All of these tools can shed light on why you are the way you are. 2) Ask close friends what things they’ve noticed about you. You’d be surprised what insights they might have. 3) Who knows you better than the One Who created you? The best way to learn about yourself is to snuggle close to the Father. Get to know Him and you get to know who He has created you to be. One thing you should remember is that you should be neither afraid of your strengths nor ashamed of your weaknesses. Embrace both. You are fearfully and wonderfully made!  

Keep yourself surrounded. One of the big things that I talk about is the power of influence, both seen and unseen. Be careful who you allow to influence your life. Surround yourself with people who challenge you and encourage you. I Timothy 4:12 says “Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.” Whether it’s a group or just one person, find someone who inspires you to be an example and who is faithful to hold you accountable to the things God has called you.

Make forgiveness your friend. Isn’t it wonderful how God has reconciled us back to Himself and forgiven us of everything that we will ever do in this life? Reflect on this sacrifice daily. God chose to bring us back into relationship with Himself, and because we have received His forgiveness, we are asked to forgive others (Colossians 3:13). Making the choice to forgive someone is so hard because by extending an “allowance” for them to be human, we must accept that we are human and we need others to give us the same “allowance”. Not only is forgiveness humbling, but it also means that we let go of the hurt we feel, which may be difficult at first, but indescribable freedom is sure to follow. This life is too short to hold a grudge. Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and chokes all the life out of you and the person you can’t forgive. Let go of the chains. You must learn to forgive, even when you don’t feel like it. Talk to God about it and He will help you. He knows that forgiveness is difficult for us, but He doesn’t expect us to make it on our own. He will show you how to forgive. All you have to do is ask.

Walk fearlessly. “There is no fear in love” (I John 4:18). The opposite of love is fear. One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 3:12: “Because of Christ and our faith in Him, we can now fearlessly approach the presence of God.” Fear has been swallowed up in the presence of God. His love overcomes all fear, all inadequacies, all expectations, and all failures. There is nothing that can separate us from His love. You don’t have to be afraid of the plans that God has for you. Don’t be afraid of not measuring up to someone else’s expectations. You live for Christ; you live for Love. So don’t be fearful of what the future holds, but realize that Love is holding you. And when you walk with Love, you walk in love. So walk fearlessly.

You have a testimony. Too often, Christians think that because they weren’t delivered from a major addiction or had something dreadful happen to them as a child, they don’t have a testimony. That’s crap. And I used to believe that about myself. It wasn’t until my freshman year in college that someone asked me about my story and after I shared, said “wow, what a powerful testimony.” I was taken aback because I didn’t see my story as “testimony material”. Looking back on it now, to undermine my own journey is to say that God’s work in my life isn’t as good as His work in someone else’s, which in essence, undermines the faithfulness of God. God’s glory isn’t measured by the depth of the pit that you were pulled out of; God is glorified in His faithfulness to pull you out. Every time. If you have ever experienced the faithfulness and grace of God, then you have a testimony. You have a story to share…and someone is waiting to hear it.

God does not need your help. Think about that for a second. It actually sounds like a contradiction to the foundational beliefs of Christianity, such as the Great Commission (Matthew 28:19-20) and the whole idea of advancing the Kingdom of God. But saying that God needs our help suggests that God is dependent upon us, which makes Him out to be a weak, helpless God. The Creator has never been and will never be dependent on His creation. Instead, God, in His graciousness and desire for relationship with us, has invited us to become part of His story. I love the way that A.W. Tozer talks about this. In The Knowledge of the Holy, Tozer says, “For the blessed news is that the God who needs no one has in sovereign condescension set Himself to work by and in and through His obedient children. He needs no one, but when faith is present He works through anyone.” When I realized this for the first time, it was like a weight that was lifted off of my shoulders. So I say it to you. God is not dependent on you. Shed that mentality. Instead, be humbled by the invitation, open your heart, and live each day in response to His grace.

Embrace the desert. I think every Christian knows the story of Jesus being tempted by Satan in the desert. Matthew 4 tells the whole story. And because of this story, this idea of the desert, or wilderness, is scary to us because it means discomfort and vulnerability. But Luke 5:16 says that Jesus often withdrew to the desert to pray. I love this verse. Why? Because I’m an introvert and I often withdraw from others to spend time with Jesus or organize my thoughts. To be able to get alone with the Father, Jesus had to get away. Was the desert uncomfortable? Probably, since no one really followed him there. But the desert is where He found the Father. I think that sometimes we’re afraid to get alone with God. I think we’re afraid of leaving our comfort zone. I think we’re afraid that we’ll be disappointed. But growth never happens in our comfort zones. And if we really embraced the desert, embraced those moments with God, we would find that though there may be some discomfort, our thirst is quenched in the desert. Isn’t that crazy? That a desert could quench thirst? Jesus is so cool. Are you thirsty? Go to the desert. Get alone with God and experience His presence. I can promise you this, you won’t be disappointed.

Encourage regardless. I don’t have much to say on this one. When you feel like you are in need of encouragement, make it your goal to be an encouragement to someone else. Chances are, they need it just as badly as you do.

A grateful heart is a happy heart. Take on an attitude of gratefulness. Humble yourself and realize that you are where you are because of the grace of God. You are blessed! Don’t take advantage of others or prop yourself above the rest, but take note of your dependence on God and how He has blessed you. In everything, give thanks.

Plans are made to be changed. “We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps” (Proverbs 16:9). I am such a planner; it’s both a blessing and a curse. But the real key to being a successful planner is to be flexible. If plans change, that’s ok. You don’t have to have everything figured out. Life is an adventure. So be open to what God has for you and realize that His timing is perfect. Maybe a dream that He has given you is on the shelf right now, but it’s not forgotten. One thing you have to remember is that what you think you see is only part of the picture. Plus, God’s in control, so you should stop trying to be. Life will be much more pleasant if you realize that fact and just enjoy the journey.

Wherever you are…be there. How many times have you been at lunch with someone and they are constantly checking their phone and are distracted by everything going on around them? Yeah, don’t be that person. It says, “You really aren’t that interesting and I have better places to be than here with you.” Wherever you you…be there. Whether it’s a business meeting, leadership event, classroom, or just 2 friends grabbing coffee…be there. Be attentive. Ask questions. Look the person in the eyes because that says “I see you. You are valuable to me.” No matter where you are or what you do, whether it’s a mandatory meeting or free time, be there and make the person that you are with feel valued. God values that person…shouldn’t you?

Listen more than you speak. Our society never stops talking. We talk, text, tweet...it never ends. Anyone can speak, but if you want to have influence, you have to learn the art of listening. Don’t be quick to give advice. Just listen. “…you must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19). This is not a new concept, just one that seems to have been overlooked. But listening serves several purposes. 1) The person who is speaking feels valued and heard. And if they feel heard, they are more likely to trust you and open up to you about more things. 2) Listening gives you time to evaluate whether a response is even necessary, and if one is, you have time to think about what you’re going to say. “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (Proverbs 17:28). Don’t give advice on a whim, but use wisdom in what you choose to say. 3) The less you speak, the more valuable your words become and the more likely that someone will be willing to listen to you.

In God we Trust. Trusting God is always something in which I will continue growing. Just when I reach the point where I can say that I trust Him, He calls me out further. And as much as I hate it, I love it. I want to reach that point where I trust Him with complete abandon and the only way I’m going to reach that place is if my ol’ trust muscle is exercised. What I really want to say about this is that it’s ok to struggle with trusting God. Everyone does, though few will admit it. It’s an ongoing process. And it’s not that you just have to trust Him with the moving forward, but you also have to trust Him in the times of waiting. Though situations change, God doesn’t. He’s the same yesterday, today, and forever. Whether you’re moving forward or waiting, you must learn how to abide and be satisfied in His presence. God is enough. In all things, God is enough.

Why so serious? Have you ever noticed how some people are just grumpy all the time? They have this look on their face that says, “I dare you to ask me about my chronic constipation.” In my mind, there is nothing worse than a constipated Christian trying to share the Good News. Their words say one thing, but they display something utterly unpleasant. Nobody wants that. But we do have Good News! Jesus is the greatest news that anyone could ever receive. Christians should be the happiest people on the planet. Do we still face the same struggles that the world faces? Of course, but Jesus is our strength and Source of our joy and He has already overcome the world! The world doesn’t need more super serious “Constipated for Christ” activists…they need people that they can relate to. Tap into the joy of the Lord! Be real with people. The best form of evangelism, in my mind, is not evangelism at all…its everyday life. Build relationships. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Learn to laugh at yourself. Get messy. And smile. :)

Willing to do anything, but obedient to do everything. This little phrase has become the foundation for how I live my life. It has shifted my thinking. It’s one thing to be passionate about the things of God and to be surrendered to His will, but it’s another thing entirely to be obedient. Don't do things simply because you’re passionate about them, but be obedient to the voice of God. Obedience trumps passion ALL DAY. Passion is rooted in emotion; obedience is rooted in intimacy. Obedience starts with surrender, saying, "God, I'm Yours. Regardless of the way I feel or the desires I have, I look to You." Surrender opens up new opportunities to choose obedience. And obedience leads to freedom. 

If you have any questions or feedback, please feel free to leave a comment. God bless! :)

stop fighting and stand.

This morning, I was reading the passage of Scripture about the armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). Every time I think of the armor of God I remember my plastic armor set that wouldn’t withstand a little wind and a water gun let alone a real battle. My brother and I would suit up and charge outside where we would stage epic battles against some invisible enemy, the trees, our German Shepherd “Gretchen” (bless her heart), and even each other. Ah, those were the good ol’ days.  

Just to refresh your memory, the suit of armor listed in Ephesians contains the Belt of truth, the Breastplate of righteousness, Shoes of peace, Shield of faith, Helmet of salvation, and the Sword of the Spirit. I’m not really going to go into in modern day applications of these pieces at this time. ha. 

What stood out to me today is that with all of the armor listed, there is only one weapon, everything else is defensive. The Sword of the Spirit is our weapon; our only offense is the Word of God (vs.17). We fight with the Word of God; in better words, the Word of God fights for us, on our behalf. “We” don’t really fight at all. Our job is to stand.  

All the other times that I’ve read “...put on the whole armor of God...”, I start wondering if I’m fully outfitted and, if I’m not, how to finish getting dressed. And before I know it, everything’s become self-focused. Something is wrong when our gaze shifts to these garments instead of being locked on the One who IS the truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation.  

When you feel like you’re facing something that’s bigger than you...when you feel like you don’t have anymore strength...you can’t hear your future because your past is screaming in your ears...you’ve lost your hope...you lack direction...and everything around you seems to be crashing in on top of you...stand. 

You don’t have to fight for yourself because this battle, this situation, or whatever it is that you are up against, belongs to the Lord and He fights for you and He always wins. Keep your eyes locked on His and stand. Stand on the promises of His Word. Stand on the peace that comes from knowing the unquenchable love of God that encompasses every struggle and fills you with strength. Stand with the confidence that your salvation is guarding your mind and your thoughts and holding your gaze on your Beloved. Stand in the sweet freedom that your heart is blameless before the Lord and you are no longer bound by what once held you, but by the truth of Who God is and who you are in Christ. Stand with the knowledge that by trusting God to fight on your behalf, He stands between you and the enemy. 

“Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on the Rock.” ~Matthew 7:25

“If God is for us, who can ever be against us?” ~Romans 8:31

Stop fighting and stand in His presence. Tell me, what do you think can happen when we trust God with just one fight?  

only a moment.

Have you ever thought about how different your life would be without certain people in it? Without the impact that they had on your life? Would you still be who you are today? 

In March of 1999, my cousin, Erica, died in a horrible car accident. She was only 16. I still consider her funeral to be one of the most influential moments in my life. Her friends from high school got up and shared about the way that she lived her life. They said that they had never known anyone who was so real and genuine. They cried through stories of how her strength and encouragement changed their lives. Her faith was tangible and she impacted more people than she would ever know. Even at 8 years old, their words moved me and set the stage for how I would go about living my life, or at least, it’s how I try to live. 

These are just some thoughts that I’ve had recently on the importance of your influence. We are only on this earth for a moment. Influence is continuous, cyclical even: others influence you as you influence others. Think about those who have influenced you in some way. Some may have had a little impact, while others changed your life. Regardless of the size of their contribution, have you taken the time to thank them for the impact they’ve had on your life? If not, you really should consider it, because chances are, they are completely unaware. 

And have you thought about the impact that you might have had or are having on someone else? Influence happens in a moment, and sometimes we’re oblivious to it. What kind of influence are you having? Positive or negative? Are you speaking life or death? If actions speak louder than words, stop talking. Evaluate what you’re doing, because if your actions and words contradict each other, you’ve already lost your voice.  

I Timothy 4:12 

Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.

Your life is full of moments, full of choices that are guiding where you will walk. Your choices leave a mark, a path, if you will. The question is...

Are your footprints worth following?

seek the Kingdom.

I was sitting, cross-legged, on the floor by a dirty brick wall. (It’s funny...my favorite place to spend time with God is sitting on the floor. I just think it’s incredible that God would care enough to personalize a picture for me so well with something that means so much to me.) I was sitting there with my arms resting on my knees and my hands came together, resting gently, one on top of the other, almost like they were cupped. As I was praying, something (aqueous, I assume) began to pour into my cupped hands. Right when it was about to overflow, it stopped. I sat there holding what was given to me as if it was the most precious, fragile thing I had ever held. I was excited to see what God was going to next, hoping that He would start pouring into me again and it would begin to overflow, spilling over the edge of my cupped hands. But, instead, God spoke. 

“Pour it out here.” 

Suddenly, I heard the sound of people weeping. I couldn’t see any of them, but I heard them. A whole chorus of broken voices. 

And I pleaded with God, “But this is for me! This is mine! You gave this to ME! Why should I get rid of it?” 

And God spoke again, “Pour it out.” 

My hands started trembling and tears rolled down my face. Though I didn’t utter the words, the question that was really plaguing me was clear: “But what happens if I become empty? What then?”. God was silent. I sat there, immobile, lost in the cries that surrounded me, trying to decide if obedience was really worth losing what I had received. With trembling hands, I began to pour it out, not all of it, but some. 

“Pour it out over here now.” 

Again, I decided to obey and poured out just a bit more. This happened several times until I had only a small amount left in my hands. God gave the command again, and again, I pleaded.

“Pour it out.” 

“But then I’ll be completely empty.” 

“Pour it out.” 

“But I won’t have anything left!” 

“Pour it out.”

“But are you going to fill me up again?” 

Silence. Somehow I knew that had to trust Him and poured out what was left. The crying stopped. Though I was presently empty, I was flooded with peace. 

After a few minutes of silence, something began to pour into my hands and I smiled as a single tear rolled down my cheek. 

This picture didn't make sense until I read Matthew 6:33 and now I can’t read that verse without remembering this picture.  Too often I get sucked into making this life about me and my personal relationship with God. And that's great! God so delights in the simpliest attempts at meeting with Him. But seeking the Kingdom is beyond me and my comfort zone. 

Sometimes, seeking the Kingdom means pouring out what God has given me, even without the promise of being refilled. 

the meeting place.

     She lived a normal life. She was as standard as eleven year olds come. There was nothing significantly special about her. She lived in a fairly small village just west of Chicago. Her family was rather wealthy; in fact, she grew up without want. She lived in the biggest house in the entire county, which was strategically placed on a hill for all to see. 

One afternoon, she peered outside her window. From that spot on the hill, she could see, for what seemed like to her eleven year old eyes, miles. She scanned the scene before her. It was such a beautiful view. She loved to gaze across the town and take in everything: the small bakery on the corner, the jolly mailman who walked up and down the street with a smile on his face, and old “Freckle”, the firehouse Dalmatian who rarely did much of anything. This time, however, something caught her eye that she had never seen before. She pushed her face to the window and squinted her eyes, but she could not make out what was before her. 

Knowing that she needed a better look, she grabbed her jacket and sprinted out the front door. She ran down the hill in the direction of the mystery spot, stopping only once to avoid being hit by a car traveling perpendicular to her course. As she got closer, she slowed and finally stopped. Breathing heavily, her eyes focused on the spot. 

It was a garden, but not just any garden. It was, in fact, the most beautiful garden she had ever seen. She had never seen such an array of colors. Pinks, purples, and yellows blended together on the left side of the garden. On the right, there were deep blue orchids scattered throughout patch after patch of brilliant orange roses. Towards the back, there were countless types of flowers with colors that she had never imagined. The grass screamed the most vivid shade of green that there ever was and each blade was trimmed to the perfect height. Up through the center of the garden was a quaint little brick path which widened into a small patio. There, a lone bench sat peacefully under of the shade of the only oak tree in the whole garden. A pristine white fence framed the garden, providing an elegant contrast from the glorious blooms. The entrance to the garden was a lovely little gate on which hung a brass colored plaque with writing on it, but she could not make out what it said. Curiously, the gate was slightly ajar. 

“This garden,” she thought as she sighed, “is truly a perfect garden.” 

She continued to search the garden with her eyes, taking in every angle and every bloom. Since the gate was partially open, she thought about stepping inside for a closer look. Suddenly, something startled her. A budding bush began to shake and she quickly realized that she was not the only person there; in fact, the gardener had been in the garden the entire time. She wondered why she had not noticed him before. 

The gardener was a curious man. He wore bluish grey pants, a short sleeved shirt of the same color, and a brown belt, which provided the only form of differentiation between the two articles of clothing. His arms were splotched with green dye from pruning the flowers and his knees were covered with dirt. On his head, he wore an old, tattered, red baseball cap which had been bleached by excessive exposure to the sun. His face was not seen, as he was on his hands and knees, busily working away with his bush. 

She watched him for a while, intrigued by his movements. She had never seen a gardener who worked so diligently and carefully, almost as if this garden was of the utmost importance. She thought back to her own gardener, a scary old man who was rather ignorant of anything going on around him. She immediately assumed that this gardener would be the same and decided that he was not worth her time. She would not speak to him; she would watch him in silence.

Soon, she realized that she had been standing there for almost an hour and decided to head home. As she walked up the hill towards her house, she could not help but look over her shoulder to catch another glimpse of the garden. Even from afar, it was breathtaking. 

Day after day, she came to visit the garden. She would sit in the same spot, which was inches way from the fence. She did not dare go any closer as she was afraid that the gardener would yell at her and accuse her of trespassing, even though the gate was, as it was every day, ajar. She would wait and watch the gardener tend to the flowers. She was fascinated by how gently the gardener moved and how carefully he held each blossom, like each petal held some sort of importance and worth. She often heard him hum as he worked; his sweet, deep voice echoed softly through the garden. 

Today, as she sat and watched, something felt different, though she could not figure out what it was. The gardener was busy working when he suddenly looked up at her. This was the first time he had ever made eye contact with her. She felt afraid that he was going to shoo her away and tell her to never come back. 

As she was contemplating her apparent lecture and dismissal, his voice interrupted her thoughts.

“Peyton.” he said softly as he rose from where he knelt. 

She was startled. Fear swept over her, but in the same instant that it appeared, it vanished. 

“How did he know my name?” she thought. “We have never spoken.”

He walked toward her and, for the first time, she saw his face. He was an older man and his face glowed as the sun highlighted a thin layer of sweat, evidence of his dedication. The black and white stubble around his mouth and cheeks wrinkled as his lips curled into a warming smile. 

“Hello, Peyton,” he greeted as he reached the fence. 

She jumped to her feet. Though the fence stood between her and the gardener, she stepped back, distancing herself from the garden. She was prepared to flee, but for some reason, she could not look away. His warm gaze captivated her. 

“How did you know my name?” she whispered.

The gardener chuckled. He shifted his gaze to the rose bush beside him. As gently as she had ever seen him move, he cupped the most gorgeous Latin Lady rose with his hands. He gently lowered his head to the rose and breathed in its fragrance. 

“Mmmm,” he exhaled, “there is nothing quite like this.”

He stood and his gaze returned to the girl. 

“Would you like to come in?” he asked, gesturing to the world of flowers around him.

She really wanted to go into the garden, but she could not bare the thought of how damaging her presence might be. What if she broke something? What if she messed something up? What if the garden was forever marred by her footprint in the grass? The garden was too beautiful to take any chances. She could not risk it. Furthermore, she did not want to upset the owner of the garden, whoever he or she may be. 

“No, I shouldn’t.” she said and then quickly added, “Maybe tomorrow.” 

The gardener did not ask her again. Instead, he suggested that she sit back down where she was before, while he sat down right where he had been standing. He asked her questions and she told him about her school and her family. They laughed and joked. There was something so welcoming about the way he was interested in her life. She wanted to tell him everything. 

After about an hour, she stood to leave.

“Wait, Peyton,” he pleaded, “I have something for you.”

The gardener stood and cupped the same Latin Lady rose that he had smelled before. As gently as he could, he broke the stem. 

“Why did you do that? Are you crazy?” she demanded.

She could not believe that he would ruin such a perfect rose. Much to her surprise, he extended the rose to her. 

“Here. I want you to have this.” he said.

Without taking her eyes off of the gardener, she accepted the rose. As he pulled his hand away, she noticed the fresh cuts and small scars that covered his hand. She realized the blood and sweat that went into preparing this peaceful paradise. The thought of his dedication to this garden almost made her weep. Why was it so important to him? She did not think that this garden belonged to him, but she was not certain, since she still had not seen what was written on the plaque on the gate. Slowly, she pulled the rose to her face and took a deep breath. It smelled more beautiful than she believed anything could smell.

“Thank you,” she managed to say weakly. “This is beautiful, but won’t you get in trouble for giving me this rose?”

“Well,” he began, “I think it will be okay.”

“Who owns this garden?” she asked.

“Oh, it’s for someone special,” he answered.

She really wanted to know who’s name appeared on the plaque, but since the gardener never pressed her for answers, she decided that she would drop the issue. She clutched the rose in her small hands and turned to go.

“Good-bye, Peyton,” he said with a smile, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Sure enough, they met the next day and the day after that. The days turned into weeks; the weeks bled into months. Each time, they would sit on their side of the fence, her on the outside and him in the garden. Each time, the gardener would invite her to step inside the garden.

“No, I shouldn’t. Maybe tomorrow.” was her response.

At the end of each day, she would leave with a new rose. She would head up the hill for home and glance back to view the garden one more time. Every day, she would wonder what it would be like to step inside of the garden and experience the beauty. However, she never once set foot in the garden. She never smelled the bouquet of fragrances that wafted into the air from the flowers or basked in the shade of the great oak tree. She never once noticed the name which was written on the plaque on the front gate.

“Peyton.”

fears, failures, and dragon heads

In 4 months from today, I will be walking across a stage in front of thousands of people to receive my B.S. degree in Accounting. I know, right? I can’t believe it either. It just doesn’t feel like I’ve been in college for almost 4 years. They always tell you to enjoy it while you can because it goes by so fast, but I didn’t believe them. But it’s so true. It goes by SO fast, and now that I feel like time is running out, I’ve started thinking about all of the things that I wish I could have done. Have I had any impact at all? I wish I had more time because I don’t feel ready. I don’t feel like I’m ready to leave school, part from my friends, and enter the “real world”. 

The “real world”. Whoa. I have always had a problem with trying something new. I guess you could say that I’m fearful. What if I fail? What if I’m not as good as I thought? What if I don’t measure up? Failure has a tendency to scare me. A lot. And because of this fear, I could miss out on many opportunities to find joy and happiness. 

I remember going to the local carnival when I was 4 or 5 years old. My brother wanted to ride the little dragon roller coaster...you know the one: the front has a giant scary dragon head, the dragon tail is the caboose, and it just goes in around in a small circle. There’s not much to the ride, just some minor turbulence that may require a quick visit with a chiropractor. I didn’t want to go near the thing, much less on it, but my parents wanted me to ride it. I was so scared. I cried, screamed, and embarrassed my parents (yesss) all in a matter of seconds. [Now, I need to inform you that I most definitely wasn’t the child that screamed and cried when I didn’t get my way (you know, like the annoying brats at Walmart), however, when it came to something that scared me, I became pretty vocal.] Nevertheless, my parents made me ride the thing AND I LOVED IT! They couldn’t keep me off of it! I had to ride again and again and again! From then on, I couldn’t wait for the carnival to come to town so that I could ride my favorite ride...the little dragon roller coaster. 

From riding horses to singing my first solo, a small “push” was required for me to attempt such things. I’m thankful that my parents made me do some things that I was too afraid to try because I thought I would fail. I don’t like the unknown. And if I’m looking at something for the first time, chances are that I’m going to observe and analyze every angle or outcome before I just jump into something, which can be a good thing...sometimes. Sometimes, it’s a hindrance. 

But honestly, the real problem lies not in failure itself, but in my interpretation of the definition of success. Success is not the absence of failure. If success is solely based on one’s performance or achievement, then they can only be “successful” to the extent of their own abilities. However, I have come to realize that success should not be based in ability, but in identity. As sons and daughters of the Most High, who are loved and cherished by Him, we are designed with purpose. And because we are loved by God and we love Him in return, we are successful. Simple as that.

Can you imagine how you would respond in a new experience if you entered it already knowing that you were successful? Would that change anything for you? It sure has for me. Failure is no longer something that I regret or avoid, but rather, it’s become something that I embrace. I learn more through failure than I do success. Failure does not have the power to craft my identity. No matter how many times I fail, I am successful because my Father loves me. Failure and success are co-existent; what matters is the effect that you allow them to have on the way you live your life. 

The thing that you must come to realize is that God is not discouraged by your failure. He already knows how often and how badly you are going to fail throughout your lifetime. But He’s not going anywhere. There is nothing that you can do to make Him stop loving you. (Romans 8:38-39) But you must trust Him. Trust what He’s doing and trust when and where He calls you. One thing I know for sure: GOD WILL NEVER FAIL YOU. He can’t. And His plans for your life are better than you could ever dream. (Ephesians 3:20) 

Life is too short to live aimlessly. Confront your fears and embrace your purpose. 

Be obnoxious. 

Breathe passion. 

Live fearlessly.

"it's not time."

I’m a senior. In college. what?

In exactly 6 short months from tomorrow (ha), I’ll be walking across the platform in front of my classmates, closest friends, and family. What a crazy thought. Can you imagine? Me: a college graduate. wow. 

It’s funny (but not really) how different my life is at this point from what I had always imagined. I never thought I would live in Gabrielle my senior year. I never dreamed of getting a degree in accounting, or anything related to business. I thought I would have gone on a missions trip by now. I thought I would be engaged by now, or dating someone seriously, at the very least. ha...that hasn’t happened. I’ve been single for...well, let’s see....uh...yeah, goin’ on 22 years now. Yep.

Through some of the books that I’ve been reading for my senior paper class, I’ve been forced to ask myself what I want out of life. Of course, I’ve always had dreams, but this is the time when those distant fantasies could possibly be within reach. Though some of my passions or dreams have changed over the years, there are three that have continued to grow with intensity: getting married, worship, and missions or some type of ministry. 

Side note: All three of these passions are interconnected. My desire is to do worship and missions with my husband. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a husband and wife that lead worship together.  

For years now, actually since I was 10 and told my parents that I wanted to be a missionary, when anyone mentions anything about missions, I get really excited and my spirit begins to churn. I have always wanted to be apart of missions and take the Gospel where it’s never been. In chapel a few weeks back, there was a lot of talk about missions and I got really really excited. I had been praying about going on a mission trip with my school this summer. I remember just sitting there thinking that maybe this was the year that I would be released to go. And that’s when I heard God speak to me.

“It’s not time.” 

Dang. I feel like these words are the 3 worst words to ever hear. Sometimes, a “no” from God is much easier to swallow than a “not yet”. It’s like a 3 year old little kid and Christmas. You know those awful aunts who send the Christmas present weeks or months in advance and the tag says “Don’t open until Christmas.” A 3 year old doesn’t have a concept of time. 2 weeks feels like 14 years and 2 weeks. In my mind, it would almost be better to not have a gift at all. 

I’m that 3 year old. And it’s so hard. Especially since I’m almost out of school and I want so badly to know what God has for me. I feel like I have 1/7th of a map and I’m expected to figure out where I’m going. I feel lost. But just the other day, right when I was struggling with making decisions, God spoke to me something so simple. “I have found you.” My immediate reaction was well duh, but it sunk much deeper. Now matter how lost I feel, God has never lost me. He has never misplaced a single thing in my life. He hasn’t lost my purpose. And it went even further...maybe it’s not my job to figure out where my life is going. Maybe my job is to trust Him and patiently wait for His timing.

Proverbs 16:9 “We make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”

So, I just wanted to take a moment to encourage you. None of us have life planned out. None of us have the whole map. You’re not alone. You aren’t lost. God has found you! Trust Him with the “not yet”. Keep holding onto Him and seeking Him above everything else and know that He has never let go of you. Trust Him. His timing is perfect...and so are His gifts. Part of the adventure is the excitement and anticipation of what the gift holds inside. 

Keep waiting for Him...because Christmas is right around the corner :)

until everything went white.

"May 25th, 2012

3:07am

When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I would be on my way to the Mexican boarder. Early today, or yesterday rather, after a quick conversation with my brother, I volunteered to accompany him and my father on a trip through the night to Del Rio, Texas. And here we are in...actually I have no idea where we are. We passed Dallas some time ago, but I haven’t really been paying attention to the road signs. My brother has been driving for 5 consecutive hours as my dad sleeps in the back seat and I just sit here in the passenger seat. I’m sooo tired. I’ve been up for 20 hours now. But no matter how tired I get, I won’t fall asleep. I can’t.

FLASHBACK...

I was 12 years old. My mom, siblings, and I were driving in our light blue Windstar to Washington D.C. to visit my aunt’s family. By the time we reached Indianapolis, it was about 3pm and some of us had drifted off to sleep. I was sitting in the passenger seat, coloring in a Justice League coloring book with my new set of gel pens. Out of nowhere, my mom yelled “Dear Jesus!!!” and I looked up at her and then straight ahead, just in time to see the back end of a Jeep Cherokee get increasingly closer...50 feet...25 feet...10 feet...until it was the only thing you could see out the windshield...until everything went white.

I don’t remember the actual crash. I remember every detail leading up to impact: the model and type of the vehicle, which color gel pen I was using, the Adventures in Odyssey episode to which we were listening. And I remember everything after the crash: my mom trying to guide our totaled van to the shoulder of the interstate, the screams that erupted from my 2 year old sister as she had just been rudely awakened (to say the least), the sting of the air bag “powder” on my arms, and the taste of blood in my mouth. But for some reason, I can’t remember the crash itself. 

Later, we discovered the reason for the crash, which was neither the fault of my mother nor the driver that we hit. It didn’t really dawn on me how intense this accident was until a policeman asked who was in the front seat and then asked “Why are you alive?”. Apparently, when a vehicle moving 75mph smashes into one that’s going considerably slower, no one is supposed to survive, much less come out of it unscathed. Everyone involved was completely fine. I didn’t even have burns on my arms from the air bag. Ok, I bit my tongue in all the excitement, but that was it. Crazy, right? No...it was God.

I had nightmares of the crash for a few months following, but I always woke up right before impact. Slowly, the nightmares went away. For awhile, I blamed myself. If only I wasn’t looking down and not paying attention, maybe I would have noticed that we were going a lot faster than the other car, and maybe I could have warned my mom or said something as she was preparing to change lanes and looked over her shoulder to check her blindspot. By doing so, she inadvertently created another. Maybe I could have been the eyes that she needed, that we all needed.” 

NINE YEARS LATER...

...and I’m still affected by what happened that day. I can’t fall asleep in the passenger seat. No matter how hard I try or how tired I get, I can’t do it. I guess I feel like I have to be alert and help keep the driver awake and focused. Friends have noticed that when they roar up behind some car, like at a stoplight or something, I tense up. Actually, I dig my right foot into the floor, as if pushing on the break, like I’m trying to stop what I couldn’t before, but still to no avail. I’m not fearful of cars. I’m not afraid to let someone else drive. I trust other drivers. However, for some reason, I still feel like our safety is partly my responsibility. As the driver is busy controlling the direction and momentum of the car, I could be a lookout for danger, detours, and drunk drivers. And that’s what I do. I’ve seen first hand what can happen, and now I do my best to try to control the outcome. 

And that’s my point...I desire control. Now, I am not a controlling person; I don’t have to be in charge and or have my own way. I just like structure. It works for me.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I get frustrated with God and His plans. When I look at God, I don’t see structure. To consider God structured would in fact confine Him to my simple human knowledge of Who He is, which He, undoubtedly, surpasses. No, when I look at God, I see an unlimited God Who makes the broken WHOLE, the sinner REDEEMED, the dead ALIVE, the impossible POSSIBLE. God is God and He operates beyond what we can comprehend or predict. And that’s scary.

And this is the reason why so many (or maybe it’s just me) struggle with trusting God, because I can’t even begin to know what to expect. I want control, yet God wants the exact opposite...He asks for surrender. 

It’s so hard not knowing where I’m going. I look around at the people that have come before me and the people who are with me now, and they seem to have everything together. They know where they’re going, so why can’t I? It’s also difficult to watch as others receive what they want when they want it. Sometimes I feel as though others received what was intended for me. Why is mine taking so long? God, where are we going (direction) and when will we get there (momentum)? 

Yet even in all of this, God has shown Himself faithful. God has left me with peace (John 14:27). God promises to give us His peace, peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). I’ve always viewed this Scripture to mean that God’s peace is so overwhelming that it is unexplainable. But today, I also feel that it means that God’s peace COVERS all that is UNEXPLAINABLE. 

So, this is where I’m at right now. I know I’ve talked a lot about trusting God; I guess I do that because it’s something that I wrestle with daily. Everyday I have to hand over the keys. Everyday I remind myself that I am surrendered to God, and that it’s not my responsibility to control what happens. God’s got this. God’s got me. I may have to endure several days or years of not knowing what God’s got in store, but I know one thing, God’s got me. And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. 

I think it’s about time that I just let go...and fall asleep in the passenger seat.

only darkness remains.

I grew up in church. Heck, I practically lived at church. My parents were associate/worship pastors up until I was 12...and that’s when they became the senior pastors. I went to my church’s private school for 7 years. When I was 14, I got involved, heading up an 8-12 year olds small group, leading worship every other Sunday, running the projector and sound booth on the days I wasn’t leading, and assisting with the nursery 2 times a month. As a PK (pastor’s kid, for those of you who are not familiar with church abbreviations), I was also the “guinea pig” of anything new that they wanted to implement for the youth. Therefore, I’ve taken 3 1-year long leadership courses, Catechism, and a course for new believers (which I took 11 years late). But even in all of this - the training, the discipleship, the foundation - there was something that was missed. Something that I needed desperately.

I am so thankful for my foundation, for my parents’ teaching and training, for God’s grace and 2nd/3rd/4th+ chances! God is my rock! Matthew 7:25 says that “[t]hough the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse, because it is built on rock.” I love this verse. It gives me hope. 

For a moment, let’s be realistic. A house built on rock withstands massive winds, rains, floods, etc...but I grew up in Missouri...and a sturdy foundation is still subject to the devastating blows of a tornado. 

I never learned about darkness...my darkness. 

I am so in love with God! I have a real, deep, personal relationship with my Creator. Everywhere I turn, I see Him. I stand on His promises. I believe in His goodness. I know that He loves me! God has spoken to me so many times, whether through thoughts, pictures, dreams, and even songs. I know God, yet I’m desperate to know Him more! I’m surrendered to Him and I’m excited to see all of the plans that He has for my life!

But then there are times of darkness. It’s not really darkness, but I don’t know how else to describe it. It doesn’t matter how long I pray, I’m answered with silence. I feel alone, forsaken even. Life feels on the verge of being completely hopeless. I feel distant from God. I start to wonder what I’ve done to cause this separation. I start begging God to speak to me. I can’t pray without crying. And what’s worse is that I can’t talk to anyone about it because then they’ll look down on me, wonder what I could have possibly done for God to push me away, tell me I’m not as strong as they thought, and walk away from me, banishing me to my darkness. Only darkness remains. And all I can do is weep.

I was never warned of this season. I’ve been to many church services, but none of them prepared me for this. I’ve heard the sermons about how “darkness hates the light”, “darkness is the absence of light”, and “there’s a light at the end of this tunnel”, but nothing about how I would get these feelings of hopelessness. No one talked about it, so I thought that I was the only one who experienced this.  

But David did. I love King David. He isn’t necessarily my favorite character in the Bible, but he’s definitely in the top 5. David is pretty cool. David had it all: the sandals of a shepherd and the scandals of a celebrity. David is famous for his starring role in the story of “David and Goliath”. Even people who aren’t Christians know of that great feat. David is also known for his horrible mistake involving adultery and murder. And yet this same David is known for being “the man after God’s own heart”. It’s crazy how God loves to use those who have messed up. I mean, just look at David. We still love David. He’s famous in most Christian circles. His songs and poems are still used to being praise to God and to comfort the weary and the broken. 

Read Psalm 88. I randomly stumbled onto it just the other day. It’s dark and sorrowful, but it brought me hope. I don’t know if David actually wrote this or not, but regardless, this passage talks about the same things I’ve mentioned above. The author even likens himself to being dead. The psalm ends with a poetic depiction of how he feels. “Your fierce anger has overwhelmed me. Your terrors have cut me off. They swirl around me like floodwaters all day long. They have encircled me completely. You have taken away my companions and loved one; only darkness remains.” 

I am currently in this season of darkness. It has happened before and it most assuredly will happen again. I don’t know why it happens; I’m not in control here. But I’m learning to find joy in the silence. I’m learning to trust God with everything that I am. I am only writing this to you now because I feel that this is something that we need to talk about. It happens, so we should embrace it, not cover it up. It’s ok to go through this season.

The next time you feel like you’re in this kind of darkness, here are some things that might be helpful:

1. You are not alone. Whether you were warned about the times when God is silent or not, everyone experiences it. Talk to somebody about it. Tell them what’s going on and ask them to pray with you and keep you accountable. Friends, we’re here to support each other, not hinder. We need to build each other up, not tear ourselves apart! Open up. Get honest with God, with yourself, and with someone you trust who can support you. 
2. You are not a target. God isn’t out to get you or punish you for something you’ve done or didn’t do. You don’t need to feel ashamed or less worthy or whatever lie the devil is trying to feed you. Spit it out! Taste and see that the Lord is good! This could be a test. This could be God giving you a chance to act on what He has already told you. God can instruct and teach you as much as He wants, but it’s YOU who has to choose to be obedient. Are you ready to step out of the boat?
3. This is a season. You’re not stuck here, though it may very well feel like you are. 
4. Keep pressing on. Listen to Relient K’s “Pressing On” if that will help motivate you. Don’t give up! Continue to read your Bible and pray. Do all of the things that you normally do. I’m not saying that you have to, but I’ve found that it can be helpful to fast during this time. 
5. God’s got your back. Always remember that no matter how distant God feels, He has never left you. Just because He isn’t speaking to you doesn’t mean that He’s not there. 
6. God is a good God. Repeat it daily if you need to, write it on your mirror. God is good. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean that God isn’t good. Recall the times in your life when God revealed Himself to you. Think about how God has showered you with His grace and protection. Think of all of the times that God carried you. God is good, my friend. God IS good.

The darkness always comes before the dawn. Take heart. The sun is rising.