As I sit here, trying to contemplate what I’m gonna do with my life, I stare at a blank page. Words just don’t come when I think about my future. I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign, if this is all my future will ever be: a blank page. Maybe I actually die early or Jesus comes back before my life really begins. But surely there has to be something written on the page. Right?
I get rather irritated when people ask me what I’m going to do after graduation. I know that they only ask because they are interested in my life and truly care about me, but sometimes that’s not how I view it. It’s like it becomes one more thing that reminds me of my cluelessness and my lack of direction. If I respond with “I don’t know”, they pry. “Are you going to start working right away? Grad school? Are you ever going to get married?” Yes, thank you for pointing out the obvious. Do they really think that I haven’t thought about all of this? That I don’t wrestle with these unanswered questions every day? If I knew the answer, I would have told you the first time.
I’ve spent countless nights, crying, begging God to show me something, just one step. I keep telling myself that He isn’t telling me because it’s not time, which I truly believe. God knows me so well, and He knows that if He reveals something to me, I’ll charge forward, full steam, even if it’s out of season.
I know that I’ve said before that I don’t have to know the plans, that I’m fine with letting God bear that burden and I’m trusting Him...which is much easier blogged about then applied. I have trusted, I am trusting, but I can’t shake this desire for answers that’s gnawing on my very being. Am I just supposed to ignore it? I started thinking that maybe my continual asking was a sign that I wasn’t really trusting, but I don’t think that’s true. I think God wants me to ask, to plead with Him about revealing His plans for my life because it’s an act of surrender, a statement showing that I desire His very best for me and nothing else, nothing less.
I woke up this morning thinking about Jeremiah 29:11 “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” My immediate thought was, Oh goody. Good for you, God. How exactly does this help me? I still haven’t a clue. And you know? I still kinda feel this way even now, but something else hit me. This isn’t the complete promise. Verse 11 is just the beginning, while verses 12-14 are the best part. “In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find Me. I will be found by you.”
And now I have peace again. Yes, the page is still blank, but that’s when I have to remind myself that I’m not the Author and I’m not holding the pen.
God, my search is after You alone. I am not seeking the plans, but I’m seeking after You, the One Who formed the plans and holds them, along with me, next to Your heart. I want to find You. Give me strength, God. Let me not be overwhelmed and plagued by the unknown. I’m not afraid of the plans that You have for my life.
