trust issues and directionally challenged-ness

“There are so many times when I feel absolutely...useless. Tonight is one of those nights. You know when you sit around wondering what life might be like if you [insert something awesome here]? Like, what would I be doing if I wasn’t in school right now? Well, I would still be in my hometown, probably working with the youth there. In fact, I would be a “youth pastor” of sorts, leading worship and having some sort of ministry to help young ladies find their identity in Christ. I would have gone to Germany or Switzerland for 6 months with YWAM (Youth With A Mission). I would have witnessed to someone and discipled them. These are the opportunities that I gave up to pursue an eduction. Why am I here? 

I really hate the “What if..?” question. Frankly, I hate the unknown. I like to be in the know. I search until I find answers. But sometimes, the answers aren’t supposed to be found, at least, not right when I want them. And that really frustrates me. I like to have things figured out. I enjoying planning how things are supposed to work. 

Why am I here? I know that I only have bits and pieces of God’s plan for my life, but this has got to be quite the puzzle! 150,000 pieces at least! I feel like nothing makes sense. I have puzzle pieces with a redish tint on them and then I have some with blues and purples and others that are just plain white. What’s going on, God? Where does it all fit? Why do I have such a passion for the brokenhearted? Where does my heart for young women fit in with accounting? When will I have time to write my books and my music? When do I get to move to Africa?

Nothing makes sense, God.” 

I wrote this rant based on a war that was raging inside of me just this past week. At church this morning, the pastor didn’t really have a sermon; in fact, he spoke about his life story and how he got to be where he is today. He talked about how sometimes we can’t see the road ahead of us, we have pieces of information, but not the whole picture. He talked about how he got a business degree from the very school that I attend, and then God gave him a passion to bring healing to broken people and led him to a degree in counseling and other theological studies. He shared about how he questioned God and His direction and wondered why God let him get a business degree when he would be pastoring and counseling. But God has used everything that man has been through, every experience, every passion and gift.

Then, the pastor looked out over the crowd and said “God has you where He wants you. You are where you are so that you can grow and develop the character that He wants you to have. Everything will come together. God will use what you have experienced and will place right where He wants you. Continue to trust God.”

I’ve never been more grateful to hear a message than I was today. I knew that this message was for me. As a current business major, his story brought so much comfort to me. My heart rejoiced and it’s like, for the first time I realized that God knows what He is doing with me. I’ve heard this many many times and I thought I believed it, but today, it hit home. I was reminded that this “plan” that I’m following isn’t even mine to begin with, it’s God’s. Every passion that I have is based out of the passionate heart of the Father, MY Father. Why should I worry that these passions, HIS passions, aren’t gonna line up? It IS possible for everything to fall into place! God is...well, GOD! I almost started crying right there in the middle of the service because of the peace and the joy that overwhelmed me. I do trust God with my life and my future. I gave Him my heart 17 years ago (as of 3 days ago) and He’s held it securely. God is faithful and that is the promise upon which I will continue to stand. 

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” ~Psalm 27:13,14

There was something else that God brought to my attention today, something that I haven’t thought about in years. I was at a conference several years ago and the speaker said something very simple, yet profound. He was talking about serving God wholeheartedly. He said, “Be willing to do anything, but obedient to do everything.” As of January 22nd, 2012, this became my life motto. I don’t ever want to miss God or miss out on something that He has for me. I don’t ever want to step out His will for my life. I want to be so in tune with God that I don’t miss a single whisper of His heart. 

“He Who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” ~Philippians 1:6

I know that I talk about life plans and goals and trusting God a lot, but that’s one of the major things with which I struggle and I need a constant reminder. And I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in this. I haven’t found many people who are willing to open up about the unknown in there lives. There’s a war still raging inside of me. So, I will continue to talk about my trust issues and my directionally challenged-ness. Feel free to comment or subscribe or even unsubscribe, I don’t care what you do. But I can promise you one thing...this is gonna be a bumpy ride. You up for it? :)

prepare for the mission

Being that I am a 21 year old female, raised in a Charismatic Christian home and currently attending a Christian university, the fact that I have never gone on a mission trip might be a surprising discovery. It’s not that I am against foreign missions or have never been interested...missions are at the heart of who I am. I am just awaiting the appropriate time for me to go. I’ve heard it said many times that young people just need to go on a mission trip and become aware of other surroundings and circumstances, living conditions, religions, and brokenness. But in my opinion, don’t go if your heart’s not in it or if your heart’s not where it should be. I’m not gonna go on missions just so I can say I’ve been. I will go, but God hasn’t given me to “go-ahead” yet. I am still in the preparing stage. 

I’ve talked with several people who have been involved with mission trips and heard the extraordinary tales of how God worked and moved. It’s so incredible to hear of the ways that God showed up. In some cases, the team saw lots of spiritual manifestations and many miraculous signs and wonders. Most of them made a difference in the community in which they ministered. Lives were changed. The people received a glimpse of the hope they have so desired. 

Weeks of preparation go into getting ready for a mission trip, and seeing as I have never gone, I am unaware of the actual amount of preparation needed. I know for a fact that hours and hours of prayer are spent each day, faces to the ground, crying out for the deliverance and salvation of the country at hand. Every spare moment is spent basking in God’s presence and seeking revelation. 

But I can’t help but question...why is this kind of preparation only important for mission trips? If we truly are “in the world, not of it” (John 15:19), shouldn’t we be spending every waking moment at the feet of Jesus, ready for service? Why don’t we see the remarkable acts of God in our nation? Why is it surprising to hear that someone saw an angel in Puerto Rico? Or that someone was raised from the dead in Djioubti? Why is that unusual? 

It shouldn’t be unusual, but it is. We don’t see signs and wonders in the same way that we don’t see any of the Gifts operating in todays churches. What’s happened to prophecy? It’s not dead, but we’ve certainly wrapped it in burial clothes. What about healing? Miraculous power? Tongues and it’s interpretation?  

I want to see these things happen here, NOW, at my home, in my church, on my campus, IN MY LIFE. I want to see God move! And better yet, God WANTS to move! He’s longing to do the impossible in YOUR life. He’s waiting for the moment when He can reveal Himself in ways that we’ve never seen. PRAY! Call on the name of the Lord! Spend hours in His presence. Seek His face on behalf of YOUR nation!

Please understand that I am not dissing, or belittling, missions trips. I am continually realizing the rising desperation for prayer for the salvation of other countries. I know that there is a need. I stated earlier that I am longing to go. I’m just asking ”what if...?” I’m asking that you consider the spiritual state of your own country, of the broken people around you. I’m urging you to pray.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and I will heal their land.” II Chronicles 7:14

God, you know my heart. You know that I am willing to go wherever you send me, to the ends of the earth or around the corner. Let your will be done in my life. I am Yours, no matter what. Don’t give up on my nation. Bring her back to You.