from failure to L-O-V-E.

Wow. Tomorrow, I start my junior year of college. When did that happen?? Wasn’t my 16th birthday like...yesterday? Where has all of the time gone?

In moments like these, I start to wonder what I’m doing with my life. And to be honest, most of the time I consider myself a failure. I haven’t done half of the things that I’ve wanted to do by this time: I’m still single, I’ve never been clubbing (‘tis true), I’ve never gone over 100 mph, and I really don’t think I’ve ever led anyone to the Lord. Them words here spell out ‘failure’, in the truest sense of the word. I’ve missed several opportunities; I’ve wasted time; I haven’t cared. My only thought now is...is it too late?

I can’t live by my own expectations. Clearly, I fail at my own plans. All I can do is wake up every morning and decide to trust God. What else is there? I’m so small and He is soooo BIG. And He loves me...little ol’ me. He is constantly reminding me that no matter what I do, He won’t love me any more or any less. He can’t! He just loves me! And you know what baffles me about His love? He doesn’t expect anything in return. Think about it. In I John 4:19, it says “We love because He FIRST loved us...” and Romans 5:8 says “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus chose me before He knew of my love. It’s crazy!

I didn’t intend this post to be about love, but clearly it has changed courses from ‘imma failure’ to ‘Jesus loves me’. Why? Well, frankly, because God doesn’t see my failure, He sees my potential. He sees everything in my life that is sinful and hidden, and says...”I can work with that. Trust Me.” 

God has been showing me lately how much He hates it when I cast judgment on myself, when I rag on myself for what I have/haven’t done. Judgment doesn’t build me up or make me a better person...no, it just cuts me down and makes me wanna give up. And that’s not what He wants for me. He encourages me daily through simple things, maybe through the crisp sunlight or maybe through one of my friends. God wants me to place my insecurities in Him...in Security Itself. If He is my foundation, why do I doubt? Why do I worry?

In closing, I guess what I’m rambling about is to not look at what you consider failure, but instead look to Christ. Ask Him to show you what He’s doing in your life and the ways that He is using you even now. And lastly, let Him love on you...it’s what He does best :) 

the watery, slightly alkaline and saline secretion.

...also known as, tears. When you think about it this way, tears seem more important, or even more profound, than ‘salt water’. I always wonder what would happen if tears were sweet, instead of salty. Or like, you know how people say that there are ‘tears of joy’? Why can’t the joyful tears be sweet and all of the other ones be salty?...I guess that joyful tears would be very sticky...like cotton candy. And I would hate to have cotton candy stuck on my face. Gross. I think I’ll just stick to salt water.

Sweet, salty, sour, tasteless, strawberry, or whatever flavor your’s might be...tears have always been somewhat of a threat to me. It’s something that I don’t really understand about myself because I love relationships, I love being close to people and reaching a ‘deeper level’...but even my closest friends haven’t seen my tears. I won’t let them. I do everything in my power to keep myself from showing that level of vulnerability, and I’m really not sure why I do it. Like most people, if not everyone, I’ve been hurt in the past, but I really don’t think that it has something to do with this. 

But just because I don’t let others see me cry doesn’t mean that I don’t. I do! I cry all the time! Certain movies make me cry...and not because of some super romantic scene, but rather a scene where the person is overcoming impossible obstacles, like being able to forgive the person who hurt them the most or learning how to cope with new challenges. I find the urge to cry during sermons that are speaking directly to me, and especially the sermons that echo my own heart for people, for restoration, for healing. I want to cry when I hear stories of the terrible struggles and pain that people have been through, but can then stand and proclaim God’s goodness and salvation. Those are the things that get me. If people could see how much I cried, they would probably consider me emotional, which I can assure, I am...but I’m not controlled by my emotions. 

Today, it kinda hit me that maybe God made me sensitivity for a reason, in fact, I know He did. God’s given me a lot of compassion for others and a desire to see them find freedom in Christ Jesus. Lately, I’ve been praying/crying for the girls on my campus that are broken and wounded. They have my heart. And I love the heart that God has given me, but I hate the crying part. And you know...it’s okay if others don’t see me cry...as long as I have not taken it so far that I am living in disobedience to God’s direct Word. And I know I have. I can think of many examples when I kept my mouth shut when God wanted me to speak to certain individuals. I can comfort others just fine, as long as it’s on the surface. I don’t like to pry into people’s lives...you won’t find me asking the real questions or addressing the real problem. I don’t cry with people.

...until today. 

For the past few years, God has been taking me on a journey to discover who I am in Him and who He has called me to be. It’s been a long process and through it, I’ve become more real with others about where I am in life, what I’m feeling, my struggles. God keeps reminding me how far I’ve come and encouraging me to keep trusting Him. One thing that I’ve noticed about God is how gently He deals with the matters of my heart, one thing at a time. Recently, He’s been showing me one more thing. A big thing. God basically showed me that my unwillingness to embrace that form of vulnerability (crying with/around other humans) was actually a mask. I have never wanted people to see me when I myself am broken, so I’ve silenced it. I’ve always wanted to be the person that was put together and had such wisdom and insight, but God is slowly shattering my deceptive disguise and revealing His perfect peace, His gentle touch, intimacy on a level that I have never before experienced. Simplicity. And it’s beautiful. 

Today, I started to ask God to take away the whole ‘emotional’ thing, but I had to stop midprayer. God doesn’t desire to make me feel uncomfortable or to become an emotional wreck, but to see freedom take full reign in my life. This is good for me! This is good for others. Maybe girls need to see someone cry for them, someone who believes so strongly for their healing, someone who isn’t afraid of being seen at their most vulnerable point. 

“Cry for Me.”

Instead, I prayed for the boldness to cry whenever and wherever for whatever God would put on my heart to cry for. Something new is happening in my life, and I’m just here, trusting God every step of the way. 

“Allow Me to show others what I see in you.”

~God