I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. It’s hard to believe that one year ago today I walked up those steps and across that stage. The whole time I was saying to myself...”Don’t trip! Relax. Smile...don’t trip!” But that was my moment. Everything I worked and fought for was about that moment, that feeling. My family screamed, friends cheered, and cameras flashed as I stretched out my hand and accepted my high school diploma.
A lot has changed in one year. I am more sociable with people that I don’t know. I am more daring...as I dyed my hair for the first time and got a fauxhawk. I am now confident in who I am and who I am becoming. I worked for someone other than my father. God has given me a passion for a broken people. I have never been more thankful for family and close friends. I will never again be called a ‘freshman’. And for once in my life...I have no plans.
My entire life has been planned. Everything was about “the schedule”. Everything was about “MY schedule.” But my world has been shaken. It’s difficult to explain. It’s like every time I try to do something or make some decision, God steps in and goes “Whoops...wrong!” (Not a condemning wrong, but a gentle “No...THIS way.” kind of wrong)
I’ve tried to be involved in several activities or things that I think God is calling me to. But none of them worked out and I immediately started doubting God’s plan for my life or what I know of it. But God is faithful! He gently showed me that these things will happen, my desires will be fulfilled, but in HIS time...not mine.
Just because a door isn’t open today doesn’t mean that it will be closed tomorrow.
God is so unpredictable. I’m constantly reminded that I need to trust God and be prepared for anything. The point is that my God is an amazing Father. He is limitless. His plan for my life is limitless. My own boundaries cannot stop Him.
And yet...sometimes God feels so far away. I don’t understand it. The times when I need Him the most are often the times when He is simply not found. I can’t feel Him. I can’t hear Him. I cry, but I receive no comfort. I feel utterly alone. I am vulnerable. All I can hear is the sound of my own voice...my own judgment. Is this it?
But God has never left me. Even in the worst situations, I am never alone. Silence doesn’t mean abandonment. Silence doesn’t mean separation. Silence doesn’t mean failure. Silence doesn’t mean that I have pushed God away from me. Silence doesn’t mean that the door is closed. These moments of silence are times of testing.
When a teacher gives a test, do they give you all the answers or are they silent? Do they talk you through the test or do they let you take it on your own? It’s the same with God. When He speaks to me, He is teaching me and showing me things. He helps me practice and practice and practice. But when it comes time for a test, He is silent. He lets me walk in what I have learned. God is faithful. Sometimes I fail a test, and He teaches me again. I have failed tests over and over, but He is still by my side and helping me learn it again. God is faithful!
Joshua 1:5
“No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Hebrews 6:18
“So God has given both His promise and His oath. These two things are unchangeable because it is impossible for God to lie. Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.”
God is teaching me, over and over again, to trust Him. I am not in control. How can I be? I have no idea what I’m going to be when I grow up. I don’t know God’s plans for me. And that’s okay because God is teaching me to slow down and take things as He gives them to me. One step at a time. And even though I don’t know where exactly I’m walking to, I know that God is faithful. All of this will make sense in His time...in HIS time.
Dueteronomy 31:6
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD Your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."
God has not abandoned you. He can’t. He has promised to never leave nor forsake you and He can’t break a promise. Silence will come. And when it does don’t listen to the Satan’s lies of condemnation and separation. You belong to God, son/daughter of the Most High God! God is faithful!
God bless!
